You can tell a lot about a person from their choice of calendars.

Well maybe not a lot but certainly a bit. At the very least you can probably deduce their sexual preference. Whether it be half naked Kylie Minogue, half naked David Beckham, half naked Cliff Richard (let’s not even go there) or a fully naked Dannii Minogue (the solo career never really worked out did it?)

So what can the psychologist tell you about me from my choices. I have three at the moment. No great meaning in that. Yes three is a powerful number in many of the esoteric arts but in this case it was more to do with having three last year so I had three handy nails in the wall to hang them from.

First we have Paddington Bear. Proper Paddington I want you to bear (ha!) in mind. None of this modern abomination. It makes my blood seethe to see what they have done to Darkest Peru’s finest. They’ve turned him into a cartoon character. Worse than that, they’ve turned him into a brand. A franchise. A trademark. Not for Paddington the quiet retirement and popular memory. Not for him the semi-dignified fate of Bagpuss as a nostalgic treasure from our youth. Released on DVD for the misty eyed HMV customer and featured in trendy magazines by editors and columnists of a certain age. No, Paddington has been raped by commerce and sold into American slavery. Thank goodness for this calendar – this one reminder (well, twelve reminders) of how he used to be. When he was my hero.

Psychologist’s verdict – seriously emotionally stunted. And may not quite understand what is and isn’t real.

Secondly we have Dilbert. I’ve long since had the Dilbert desk calendar (and the Daily Dilbert emails and the books and the videos of the animated series) but this is only my second year of the full colour wall calendar. My resistance was based around a single cartoon remaining amusing for a full month. But this has proven unfounded. As one of the few calendars on the market with actual calendar numbers that I can read with or without glasses this one is actually functional. And who could ever get tired of seeing Catbert say “Ohh! That was so evil I need to purr with my lips!”

Psychologist’s verdict – wants to be anarchic, failing that wants to be a millionaire cartoonist. Will fail on both counts and fall into the sort of traps that Dilbert so expertly satirises.

Finally we have Charmed. A show that I’ve not actually watched since the opening episodes of the most recent series were awful beyond belief. Hellishly moronic, nauseatingly twee and lacking any kind of dramatic interest, they offered only two extremely cute women and Alyssa Milano with her small mouth and big teeth. Not having to offer drama this calendar is asked to do nothing more than provide a series of shots of two extremely cute women and Alyssa Milano with her small mouth and big teeth. It succeeds splendidly.

Psychologist’s verdict – that really was a crap season of Charmed. I agree entirely about that and Alyssa Milano having a small mouth and big teeth.

Doctor Who calendars are a fairly rare thing these days. I still have my 30th Anniversary one (signed by Peter Davison but, as one of the wittier Doctor Who books pointed out, the rare ones are the ones not signed by a Doctor) and the Radio Times one but there hasn’t been one for a while now. I discount the Dalek ones based around the not-very-good films. Is a Dalek that doesn’t look quite like a Dalek likely to oust an evil purring cat, my childhood hero or two extremely cute women plus Alyssa Milano with her small mouth and big teeth? I think not. There might be a lack of demand (though there are some extremely specialised calendars in the shops) or a lack of decent photos or maybe just a lack of interest in the right circles. There is a lot they could do with a Doctor Who calendar (and once the series returns I dare say all this will become redundant in favour – rightly – of Stephen Fry and the lovely Sophie Ellis Bextor). They could do a nostalgia one with Target book covers, an impressive one with big copies of some of the awesome BF cover art work or even a CGI one with modern “reimaginings” of classic moments.

Psychologist’s verdict – it makes no difference, an obvious case of the shopper who only ever buys calendars half price after New Year’s Day.

3rd January 2004