"To be honest with you, I think they should just eliminate the Olympics all together and replace it with the WBMC."

The what?

Duh. Where have you been? The WBMC, nitwit. An event so big that it got world wide press coverage, an event so huge that it has travelled the globe. An event so massive that even Eurosport didn’t cover it. It is the World Beard and Moustache Championship.

And it’s real.

This is no News Womb spoof. It describes itself thus (on the official website)

The World Beard and Moustache Championships took place in Carson City, Nevada, on November 1, 2003. A panel of distinguished judges determined which beards and moustaches in seventeen separate categories merited their owners the championship trophies and the coveted world champion titles. Special prizes were also be awarded to the youngest contestant, the contestant who traveled the farthest to attend, and the people's favorite.

Note that they are distinguished judges – none of your tat. I expect they got a group of former World Beard and Moustache champions and grooming experts. They wouldn’t just pick a group of random people would they?

The distinguished judges included Nevada Supreme Court Chief Justice Deborah Agosti, Carson City Mayor Ray Masayko, former Carson City resident Mark Twain, top American downhill skiers Marco Sullivan and Daron Rahlves, Miss Nevada 2003 Christina O'Neil, Carson High School Senior Class Vice-President Danny Rotter, Sara Skinner of Meeks Bay, California, and Thunderbird Lodge Director of Operations Mary Ellen Houston.

I thought Mark Twain was dead. Maybe he is – I doubt it takes a lot of life to judge who has the biggest ‘tash.

It’s obviously this guy

Winner of the wonderfully named “Freestyle Moustache” title. I won’t get many laughs if I make a joke about the rival Greco Roman Moustache title will I?

The press went mad for the event. The official website links to a great many articles and plucks out choice quotes to truly sell the magnitude of the contest. The first was the one chosen to open this missive. The second (and final) selected quote is "At us in press informed on festival in Nevada much. It was very interesting to all" from a Ukrainian journal. You can’t get higher praise than that.

The contest was held in America so you can imagine that America went beard crazy. ABCnews.com devoted an entire story to several beard related items. Yes – it was that big.

"The Germans have had beard clubs for years, but America has a great tradition for beards," says Phil Olsen, a hirsute lawyer from Lake Tahoe, Nev., who brought the contest to America for the first time.

“Tell me you don't trust bearded men," says Olsen. "What about Santa? What about Jesus? Look in a history book and see all the great men with beards."

You can tell he’s a lawyer – he has cleverly tricked us into thinking “Golly – two trustworthy men with beards and that’s onely one day out of the entire year. There must be at least 730 of them in the world”.

The same article then goes on to talk about a national beard registry which promises “Its database allows you to find the best beards near you.” Nothing says great family day out than to visit a spectacular beard. I don’t know about you but I’d love to become an exhibit for weird tourists.

Hurrah for the unique joys of local journalism. “Alaskan places third in world beard contest” proclaims the Anchorage Daily News. It narrowly beat “Penguin slips on ice” into second place.

Now I know you – My Readers – you are chuckling at this point. You are wondering what kind of person would think it a great use of their time to parade their pampered facial hair around in a room full (well, I doubt it was full unless it was a pretty small room) of strangers. You think it is silly. You think it is the height of absurd…

“Contenders wear costumes to complement their beard style of choice, such as musketeers outfits, military uniforms and other ceremonial dress.”

…and you would be right.

It earns its stripes as a true global event though when you have an ignorant America contender talking crap about places he’s never visited, barely even heard of and probably wouldn’t be able to find on a well labeled map.

"When I got there, I thought holy cow, these guys are really serious. Europeans look at this like it's the Olympics. You win one of these, you're a hero."

Before I get to the Big News at the end of this column, I’d like to draw your attention to this man.

He won a prize at the Championships. A prize? For that? I must’ve had a dozen teachers with similar moustaches. He has a classic Teacher Tash. If that is an award winning effort I shudder to think what would’ve happened if they’d held the WBMC in the 1970s. The opening parade of contestants would’ve lasted for days. Lives would’ve been lost going through the maths teachers from the Luton area alone.

As for this bloke  he’s just borrowed a prop from the movie Alien. That wouldn’t fool a bicycle.

Nice to see David Suchet getting some recognition. The man is an institution.

And so to close this piece with the Big News.

Drum roll please.

In 2007 the WMBC is coming to London. Yes. In just three years time we will be going beard bonkers and moustache mania will be running wild. Book your tickets now – I just hope the new Wembley will be finished by then.

18th February 2004