A little bit of irrational hatred never hurt anyone

I spend a fair amount of time stuck in traffic jams, all things told. I see all manner of annoying drivers, hear all manner of annoying music and curse all manner of annoying things. The one thing that fails to get much of a reaction but which eats silently away at me is a particular kind of car sticker.

We’ve all seen the “amusing” bumper stickers. Usually either boasting about having visited an exotic place or possessing a wacky sense of humour, these shiny rust covers are as much a part of driving as mini cabs which think the highway code is optional. Some of the more cretinous ones have such small writing that you have to get dangerously close to be able to read them. It really isn’t worth risking your life to learn that “Librarians Do It With Dirty Books”.

But there is a more loathsome breed of car sticker. One which reject humour, vulgarity, globe trotting and pro-Europeanism. They are the ones which say “Baby On Board”. I hate these. Think about the mindless stupidity of these stickers. Some of them even add “Please Drive Carefully” to the beginning. There message is that you shouldn’t smash into the car because there is an ickle one inside it. Call me old fashioned but I kinda knew that already. The whole “not causing deliberate road accidents” thing was drummed into me at a fairly early age. Sitting in one car = good thing. Sitting in two cars at once = bad thing. It’s not algebra. It’s not Nietzsche. It’s basic common sense.

Worse still are the ones which actually put a picture of a baby on them. A smiling little imp which would fail to tug the heart strings of only the coldest wretch. That’ll be me then. This presumably is for the road psychopath who cannot actually read. The ones who would be all geared up to plough the car off the road when they notice a little cartoon fellow in a nappy and they have a miraculous conversion. All praise car stickers. A life saved is a life worth saving. Hmmm.

I have, with my own bespectacled eyes, seen the following three cases where I had to do a double take to believe I had actually seen what I thought I’d seen.

1. I have seen a “Baby on Board” sticker which packed so much cuteness and information into the space that the text could only be read if one was right up close to the car. You would almost have to be touching the bugger to see what it said.

2. A huge people carrier with a “Baby on board” sign afixed. It’s pretty much a given that people carriers are the domain of young families who would never consider the whole clan piling into a Datsun Cherry for hours at a time like we did in my day. Bring back National Ser…

3. A “Baby On Board” sticker which they managed to find space for between the Disney sun screens, the Disney mobiles, the Disney bumper stickers, the Disney stuffed toys… All that Disney crap is way more dangerous to the driver of that car than other road users. Imagine doing 90 on the motorway (not that I would ever break the speed limit…) and seeing Pooh Bear out of the corner of your eye. The bile would rise at one of English Lit’s most beautifully written creations being bastardised by the Disney Corps.

The point of these stickers, in my reasoned opinion, is two fold. They cannot be for road safety reasons as the dangerous are always going to be dangerous until they are locked up and the safe are always going to be safe until someone spikes their drink and they imagine they are Steve McQueen in Bullit. No, the point of these stickers can only be –

1. People want to boast about how fertile they are. The sticker should read “We have sex and can breed like good little heterosexuals”. They want other road users to congratulate them for their genital exploits and feel envious because they have used their time to the benefit of humanity.

2. They want the mother and baby spaces in Tesco’s car park. A black market disabled badge having proved too expensive (or the DHSS found out that Uncle Bernard had died six years ago) they use the next best thing. The seconds they save by parking that much closer makes it all worth while.

Having seen cars with Comic Relief noses still attached to the bumped some years after the event, one can only assume that Baby On Board stickers have a similar shelf life. Like the photo of the little you cavorting naked on the hearthrug, these stickers will continue to exist long after you’ve grown up and ceased to need their motoring protection. Maybe they’re actually magical and protect the occupants from harm. Like a Witch’s power circle or the nuclear deterrent they make the owners secure. That’s the only kind reason I can think of for their existence.

4th November 2003