I nothing like I better to do

"...as you do."

Ok, this will need a bit of explanation.

I mentioned in my blog some time ago that Digital Spy had reported the Richard Bucket/Keeping Up Appearances slash fiction which saw Hyacinth’s hen pecked husband take advantage of her absence by shagging pretty much every man who came (huh huh huh) near the Bucket Residence. The site housing this literary masterpiece turned out to be home to all sorts of fan-written porn. Anyone with a fantasy could jot it down, send it in and have it online for everyone to read. Well who could resist such a treasure trove of badly written wank-fic? Be fair, most of them were typed one handed.

So it was that I happened across the curious genre which involves…

No, first I want to tell you a story from Ricky Gervais’s latest DVD. A man was admitted into casualty with a sauce bottle up his arse. Rather than admit the truth he told the doctor that he’d just arrived home with his shopping and realised he was locked out. So he put his shopping down and climbed up a drain pipe. Unfortunately, his belt became snagged on something and snapped clean away, taking his trousers and pants with it. He was so startled that he fell off the drainpipe and landed on his shopping. In a piece of unbelievably bad luck he landed arse first on this sauce bottle and found he couldn’t get it out again. As you do.

"Right" said the doctor as he examined the man. "But that doesn’t explain why the bottle has got a condom on it."

The moral of this store is that men are weird. Possibly all men are weird, possibly just the ones that wear belts.

Our story begins innocently enough with a guy doing a favour for his friend.

Dave, my neighbour, had asked me to sit his dog for 3 days as he had to go out of town unexpectedly. He said I could stay at his place if I wanted. He had a big screen TV and told me to help myself to whatever I wanted for food and drink.

Hold hard – I know what you’re thinking. He finds something in the refrigerator which gets him going. Fridge porn – that’ll be it. Well, you’d be wrong.

Opening the refrigerator I found a well stocked supply of imported beer, opened one and went into the living room.

See – I told you. Nothing more disturbing than beer. Maybe I misread the story. Maybe it’s no more gruesome than the average episode of Men Behaving Badly.

There wasn’t anything good scheduled for viewing that night and I decided to go get one of the movies I had picked up at Blockbusters when I spotted the Video tapes.

You sick freaks – you’re thinking 'hey – he’s gonna shag a video tape'. Admittedly it is a dying genre in this age of DVD but no. That’s not where this is going.

Sidebar – "I always thought Virgin records were the ones that didn’t have a hole in them" – Clement Freud before he was Sir Clement.

Pulling out a couple of them I damn near shit. They were porno tapes.

I don’t know about you but finding porn tapes in the home of a single, twenty something guy isn’t so surprising as to cause a near-defecation incident. Most people in this day and age have pornography, don’t you? I don’t because I’m sweet and nice but you lot are randy buggers or this dirty column would have an audience no bigger than people typing "Fridge porn" into Google and possibly Katy Hill.

I knew I was going to have a real good time tonight. Pushing in a tape called `Triple Threat' I sat back and relaxed with my beer.

Porn about watching porn. This is rather post modern. Any minute now we might pull back from the scene and realise we’re reading porn about someone watching porn in which someone watches porn. At some point though it would all dissolve into black and white and become pretentious. No doubt just before the good bits.

As the movie began I decided to take off my shorts because I knew I would be jacking-off before this was over.

I have no idea what this means. I think the author must be making things up.

I decided to get a few other tapes and pick the next one while I watched the first. I had to get on my forearms and knees, I had to spread my knees to get low enough to reach the tapes in the back of the bottom shelf.

I think you’ve guessed by now that he’s going to injure his back and be ravished by a glamorous paramedic woman, taken to hospital and be ravished by a glamorous nurse, x-rayed and then ravished by a slightly radioactive but still glamorous radiographer… and so on. If this was your guess then I’m afraid you lose all your points.

That was a big mistake! As I reached for the tapes in the back something landed on my back!!

Earthquake! Earthquake!! We’ve stumbled into the rare but disgusting genre of natural disaster porn in which people can only get aroused by acts of god. I don’t know about you but I find nothing erotic in the earth moving or huge rocks spurting out hot lava.

Oh wait, no we haven’t. That’s lucky.

Duke, Dave’s Doberman, had come into the living room as I was getting down to get the tapes and had come up behind me. My elbows and knees position had pushed my ass into his face. He took that to be submission and he jumped on my ass with his paws around my sides. He was trying to fuck me!

Can we go back to earthquake and volcano porn please? This man is scaring me. I bet our hero tossed… I mean threw the dog aside and locked it in the yard for daring to interrupt whatever he was planning to do while watching his pornography. Maybe he knows the martial arts and disabled the hound with a quick blow… elbow to the temple before hurling him judo style to the floor.

My panicked thoughts of trying to get Duke off of me vanished and were replaced with the realization that I was actually being fucked by a dog and lustful sex cravings took over!

Even within the realms of trained sarcasm there is only so much that can be covered with "...as you do"

The story has a happy ending though as we pick it up, after some grunting and sweating, the following morning.

I was able to work the next day but my sore ass made me walk very stiffly. When co-workers asked me what was wrong I told them I had fallen and had some sore muscles.

Except that, like so many classic tales, there was a twist at the end. Our hero, sore muscles and all, was still dog-sitting and had to return home to face his mounter. In the space of one short paragraph the narrator lets himself into the house and ends up with the dog’s penis in his hand. You’d think he’d learned an important lesson the night before but…

Seeing it right there so close to my face, it just seemed natural to put my mouth on it and begin sucking.

Oh boy. I warned you this would get messy. The relations don’t remain merely oral and engage in the love that dare not bark its name. Let’s play another round of "What happened next?"

(a) He realises what he’s doing and goes back to the adult video.

(b) They have a quick one but then the dog stops calling and texting and before too long our hero has to accept it’s over.

(d) The pooch’s owner gets home, sits down on a kitchen chair, fondles his boy-package and watches his best mate getting impaled by his dog.

If you answered (d) then give yourself all the points you’ve lost so far during this essay. The experience brings the two men closer together and they move from being heterosexual friends to homosexual lovers. Dave, the dog owner, shows his romantic side when he serenades our here.

He told me he was going to piss in my face, in my mouth, and in my ass too.

The obvious place to end is with a handful of rhetorical questions to get you to really think about what we’ve just read. There are no prizes. It’s just for fun.

What was on the porn tape that our hero found in act one? Was it man-dog loving or does Dave enjoy some hot lesbian action when not being weird?

In a household consisting of the dog and Dave – two seemingly ardent "tops", who acts as "bottom" in their relationship?

How could anyone write dog sex without including a clever play on the old phrase "give a dog a bone"? That is self control that is.