Torchwood : "To The Last Man" (first draft)

The camera swoops over Cardiff at night. The streets are as red as blood and the buildings are basically buildings. But they look good. The music from Sky’s Soccer Saturday plays.

Cut to Tosh’s apartment the next morning. She’s putting on lots of makeup, a push-up bra and her shortest skirt. She’s happily humming along to something on the radio. It is generic copyright-free Slade style glam rock.

Gwen arrives at the Hub. Her eyes are wide with amazement as she surveys the place she’s spent most of the last year in. Jack bounces past her in a good mood. Then Ianto passes looking less like Chandler’s miserable brother than usual.

She goes into Jack’s office. The date on the calendar is circled.

Gwen: What’s going on you know, Jack?

Jack: It’s today.

Gwen: I know that, you know, what is today?

Jack: It only happens once a year.

A clock pings. It’s time.

Opening titles

The team gather in the cryogenic chamber. Gwen is wide eyed with astonishment. Tosh is licking her lips, Ianto is fiddling with his tie and Jack is kissing his reflection.

Gwen: Will someone tell me what’s going on, you know?

Owen: We’ve had this guy suspended for decades. Once a year we thaw him out.

Gwen: Is he someone important?

Owen: Oh yes.

Gwen: A soldier?

Owen: Not a soldier.

Gwen: A scientist?

Owen: Not exactly.

The cabinet opens and lots of dry ice pours out. The team are frantically preening what little there is left to preen as Gwen stares at the casket with wide eyed astonishment.

Gwen: Who is it?

Gene: Bloody hell it’s cold in there. One of you bastards get me me coat.

Jack: Gwen Cooper – meet Gene Hunt.

Gwen looks at Gene with wide-eyed astonishment.

Gene: Don’t stand there with yer gob open – a man might get ideas.

Gwen: But you’re…

Gene: Damn right – the sheriff is back in town.

Gwen: …old. I was expecting someone fit.

Tosh: I think he’s… can I get you anything?

Gene: I thought you’d never ask. But I’ll have some of yer kung fu noodles first, love.

Tosh: Yeah, no problem, great.

Tosh scampers excitedly away. Gwen stares at her with wide-eyed astonishment.

Gene: So what’s been goin’ on lately? That grinning ponce?

Jack: Left office last June.

Gene: That girly poofta?

Jack: Player of the year.

Gene: Bastard. France?

Jack: Still French.

Gene: Les bastardes. And what of Man City?

Jack: Bought by a corrupt Thai businessman.

Gene: Jesus.

Tosh returns with a bowl of steaming noodles. Gwen stares at the bowl with wide-eyed astonishment.

Tosh: Your noodles. I hope you like them.

Tosh giggles girlishly.

Gene: Could do with a bit of ketchup but they’ll do.

Jack: Now, Gene, as you know we defrost you once a year because one of these days you’re going to help us save…

Gene: And what goes with grub? A smoke – that’s what.

Gwen stares in wide-eyed astonishment as she considers the legal implications.

Jack: I’m afraid the Hub is now a non-smoking headquarters.

Gene: Since when?

Jack: Since the law changed.

Gene: So Torchwood is beyond the law, beyond the government but still has to obey poxy smoking regulations?

Jack: What can I say – it’s an irony – no fags in Torchwood.

Gene chokes on his noodles.

Gene: Ukgh…

Gwen stares at the choking Gene with wide-eyed astonishment.

Gwen: Someone give him the kiss of life you know.

Owen: The kiss of life won't help chok...

Tosh: Let me do it!

Jack: I’ll do – I’m the leader.

Ianto: No – I should do it – I’m the clean up guy.

Owen: ...on the other hand it can't hurt and I am technically the doctor here.

Gwen stares at their bickering with wide-eyed astonishment.

Gwen: Will someone please…

Jack: Out of my way.

Jack pushes the others aside and clamps his mouth on Gene’s. They kiss for thirty seconds. Gwen and the others look on with wide-eyed astonishment. Ianto’s mouth hangs open as usual.

Gene begins breathing normally again.

Gene: Get off me you lanky, Yankee poofta. What the bloody hell do you think I am? Do that again and I’ll smash yer bloody face off. Right. Whose for a pint?

Everyone: Me… me… me…

Gene: Birds only I’m afraid. Have you still go me Audi?

Jack: Yeah – and I’ve got the keys. Chase me.

Gene: Every bloody time. I bloody hate this decade.

Gene chases Jack around the Hub. Gwen watches them with wide-eyed astonishment.

Cut to next morning. Jack is in bed.

Jack: Morning everyone.

Ianto’s head pops up from under the duvet.

Ianto: Morning chief.

Tosh emerges with hair all over the place.

Tosh: Morning.

Jack tosses a pillow to one side revealing Gwen’s face. She’s sleeping with a look of wide-eyed astonishment. He nudges her.

Gwen: What? Oh, morning you know.

Owen is cooking breakfast.

Owen: Who’s for a fry up?

Gene sits bolt upright.

Gene: Finally some bastard says something sensible. I was starting to think you pooftas only spoke queer.

End credits and more Sky Soccer Saturday music