What’s in a Name?

I was searching Facebook for someone at work (not in a stalkery way – it only counts as stalking if they can see you. Fact) and when I typed her name in I got a lot of results. I won’t embarrass her by using anything close to her real name so let’s call her Jessica Rabbit. So I got pages of Jessica Rabbits or rather I didn’t. I got a few Jessica Rabbits and lots of Jessica Rabbit Somethings. Jessica Rabbit Smith, Jessica Rabbit Jones, Jessica Rabbit Twatt, Jessica Rabbit Blair. Most of these three pronged slices of naming hell were from America but not all of them. It seems their strange ways are coming over to this sceptred isle.

I’ve never liked the idea of women automatically taking men’s names when they marry. I listen to old Paul Temple serials and cringe whenever Steve (Paul’s wife) is asked to give her name and replies "Mrs Paul Temple". One could argue that since Steve is a soubriquet-cum-nickname and she never uses her real name (Louise, trivia fans) that it gets Durbridge out of a hole but that’s just how things were in those bygone days. Eddie Izzard makes a splendid point in his first stand up video that the balance ought to be redressed and that Prince Philip should lead the charge by changing his official name to King Elizabeth. Not that Prince Philip should ever head a movement for social change but it would be a giggle.

The thing I dislike about women adding the man’s name to their own when they get married is the way it is neither one thing nor the other but they believe it is some kind of statement. They think they’re being all "empowered" by doing it. Not for them the absorption into their new husband’s identity. So Jeff Squirrel marries Jessica Rabbit and by insisting all and sundry (especially sundry) refer to her as Jessica Rabbit Squirrel she thinks she’s being a strong and independent woman. When in reality, being a strong and independent woman would involve bucking the trend completely and keeping her maiden name. Cherie Blair – for all people say about her – has quietly and successfully continued to be Cherie Booth professionally and Cherie Blair personally. No ghastly Cherie Booth Blair halfway house compromise nonsense.

Better still of course would be for a couple getting married to pick the best of their two surnames and use that. Or even choose something entirely new. So they become Jeff and Jessica Rabbit, Jeff and Jessica Squirrel or Jeff and Jessica Vole depending on their preference. Having a joint married name is a good thing I think but it doesn’t necessarily have to be the husband’s. This also holds true for gay couples who marry. No one quite knows what to do at the moment which is understandable as people can’t be expected to know what to call themselves after undergoing a ceremony which no one knows what to call.

But the absolute most annoying thing about double barrelled women is when they insist on being addressed as "Ms". Ms Jessica Rabbit Squirrel. I mean, what is that? The whole point of "Ms" is that it is non-marital and lets a woman be judged without reference to whether or not she is married. Sadly, although it is strong and independent and empowering to use Ms, it doesn’t make two important things abundantly clear to everyone. Firstly that they have a husband and are married and therefore not a lonely and defective social freak and secondly, she isn’t a lesbian. All this talk of being strong and independent and empowered is fine as long as no one thinks you’re a lesbotic spinster with nothing better to do. Ditch the "Mrs" but only if they have safety net in case people don’t notice the ring.

I bet plenty of these Ms Jessica Rabbit Squirrels are walking round modern Britain thinking they are such feminists for sticking two Spice Girl fingers up at patriarchy and the old ways of doing things. Which is fair enough as that’s all feminism is these days – pointlessly irrelevant dribbles of semantic awkwardness to distract them from reheating battles won a generation ago. There is precious little for a modern feminist to do except bicker with other feminists and object to otherwise neutral words. Obviously, if they had any guts which they haven’t, they’d take a look at the battles fought over the previous couple of generations and think that maybe those battles need to be fought amongst the 90% of the world which isn’t white, western and now reasonably equal. But that would be too difficult and far more dangerous than inventing gender-neutral nouns and bickering with their rivals.

I don’t know why it riles me so much as it isn’t as if it’s ever going to intrude upon my meals-for-one reality. I think it’s the way it is a growing triumph of shallow, empty gesture mixed with a headstrong pompousness with no basis in reality. They are swanning around saying "It’s no business of yours whether I’m married or not, why I am by the way". Not to mention that most double barrelled names are ugly. Occasionally you’ll get a pairing which works well together but aesthetics are not uppermost in the minds of women who insist on this name-bonding. They are making a point. They just don’t realise (a) what that point is and (b) that it is self-contradictory.

And then they go and pass the name on to their children. What of the next generation of misguided girls? Will they start sporting three surnames? Or four if their other half was similarly afflicted? On the plus side, the infinite number of possible combinations would make it easier to find someone on Facebook but the downside is that everyone would need massive monitors to read their profiles. Tiffany Rabbit Squirrel Vole Mole Rattus Rattus Hopkins will have an case for constructive child abuse from the second the Vicar-bot iBaptises her and emails her the splash of holy water.

In conclusion, stop trying to be something you aren’t. Pick a name and stick with it. It could be his, hers or something totally new. Stop dicking about with a vacuous attempt at neo-crypto-pseudo feminism and, most importantly of all, stop believing that everything Americans do is a great idea.