E-Petitions in Action
There has been a lot of press over the
last few days about an e-petition with around a billion signatures
opposing the government’s plan to electronically tag everyone in Britain
and charge them for moving. Or something. It’s damn near as controversial
a proposal as that put forward in the Big Brother house that an Indian
housemate should "go back home" rather than stay in the goldfish bowl and
be wanked over by tabloid editors relieved to have something to write
about. But the Downing Street website doesn’t just give those with
something intelligent to say the forum in which to say it. Oh no – this is
true democracy. One person, one vote, one opportunity to make yourself
look stupid.
In addition to the hundreds of millions
of active petitions on the site there are a number which were rejected for
one reason or another. Is this an example of the sinister governmental
machine censoring the thoughts and wishes of the people? Or is it a
sensible cleansing of the opinion gene-pool to dredge out the very
bloodiest of dragged knuckles? Or have they employed some buggy software
and some bored moderators and given them a drop down menu to click at
random whenever they feel like it? Judge, quite literally, for yourselves.
We start with a few where the extremely
complicated petition interface confused a few would be shit-stirrers.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Keith Hammond.
Submitted by Keith Hammond
This petition has been rejected
because:
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Rebecca Olugbode-Reid.
Submitted by Rebecca Olugbode-Reid
This petition has been rejected
because:
It contained wording that is
impossible to understand
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Eric Konadu & Co
Submitted by Eric Konadu
This petition has been rejected
because:
It contained wording that is
impossible to understand
The next one makes the same mistake but
goes on to make what may be a valid point. But long after the damage has
already been done. Which is an irony considering the point he is making.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Kalvin Newton.
Submitted by Kalvin Newton
More details from petition creator
See personally to the production of
water engines! Mr Blair seems to feel very strongly about green issues,
in particular co2 emissions from cars. I feel this is all a ruse to
create more new and ever creative ways to steal money from cars owners.
If he truely believed in the enviromental impact of these emissions he
would see it in the public interest to use revenue to create water
engines. In a suburb of Toronto, Canada, a small company called has in
fact discovered not one but two viable methods for breaking down
ordinary water into hydrogen and oxygen. Neither method involves the
need to spend a billion dollars. They are simple answers. The existing
engines in our automobiles could work with these systems with very
little alteration and no need for an external support. I feel that it is
about time that the Prime Minister of Great Britain behaved in a manner
that consistant with being a public SERVANT and not a puppet for big
business, USA or any other fuel producing country.
This petition has been rejected
because:
Then there is this one which reminds me
of a Fry and Laurie monologue satirising the passionate pleas of a man who
doesn’t know he doesn’t make sense.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to the Jackson Family of Rudgwick West Sussex.
Submitted by Vince Jackson
More details from petition creator
Abolish all ideas about taxing to save
the planet, what benefit is there to taking money off people to reduce
pollution only lower paid will. There is one thing the government could
do to reduce greenhouse emissions, ABOLISH SUNDAY TRADING, the reduction
in traffic pollution and the energy reduction on closing business
premises one day a week would reduce pollution considerably and
re-introduce a better family environment
This petition has been rejected
because:
It doesn't actually request any action
Then you have the wacky petitions. The
ones that people think are richly comic and will set them amongst the
comedy gods. They probably boast about their deeds in the office or the
pub and raise a coarse smile from the sort of people that think drawing
penises on lavatory walls is basically the same as producing "The Office".
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Put Alfred Harrison's face on the £20 note.
Submitted by Paul Evans
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was outside the remit or powers
of the Prime Minister and Government
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to sex a badger.
Submitted by Edwin Van Cleef
This petition has been
rejected because:
It contained language which is offensive,
intemperate, or provocative
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Award himself the honour of the 'Bell'!!.
Submitted by Ian Fondel
This petition has been rejected
because:
It contained language which is offensive,
intemperate, or provocative
It was intended to be humorous, or have no point
about government policy
I don’t know what the "honour of the
Bell" is supposed to mean but I assume it is genital. Not that all
attempts at humour fall as flat as the three above. Some people raise the
odd smile with their work (and the stock seriousness given in the
rejection reason).
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Agree to allowing trolls to live under every bridge in
London.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was outside the remit or powers of the Prime
Minister and Government
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to ensure that his E-Petitions rejection team is equipped with
a dictionary and/or spell checker.
More details from petition creator
To have a petition concerned with
illiteracy caused by falling standards of education rejected is bad
enough. To see that the reason for rejection - "Intended to be humourous"
- itself includes a misspelling is simply rubbing salt in the wounds.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was an issue for which an
e-petition is not the appropriate channel
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to settle general elections in the wrestling ring, 'royal
rumble' style.
More details from petition creator
Each party is allowed 10
ministers/wrestlers to enter. They must be genuine ministers and not
professional WWF wrestlers. The event starts with the current prime
minister in the ring awaiting other mp challengers. Every 2 minutes
another minisster is sent into the ring. If a minister is forced out of
the ring, they are out and are not allowed back into the ring. Under no
circumstances are they allowed to help their fellow ministers who are
still in the ring. This includes attacking other ministers with chairs,
bells or anything else. After about 2 hours, when all the ministers have
been released into the ring, the last man standing in the ring is
crowned 'Prime Minister' and their party then goes on to rule the
country for 4 years.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was intended to be humorous, or have no point
about government policy
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Change 'Holloway Road' of North London to 'Chuck Norris
Road'.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was intended to be humorous, or have no point
about government policy
But humour is nothing if not subjective.
This one was rejected for its rib-tickling content and obviously jocular
tone.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to ban the widespread use of the dangerous chemical dihydrogen
monoxide (DHMO)
More details from petition creator
Dihydrogen
Monoxide (DHMO) is a colourless and odourless chemical compound, also
known as hydronium hydroxide or hydric acid.
DHMO is known to
be the cause of thousands of deaths each year due to accidental
inhalation. Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue
damage, while in its gaseous form it can cause severe burns. It corrodes
and oxidises many metals. It is widely used in industry as a solvent and
coolant.
DHMO contributes
to soil erosion, is a significant greenhouse gas a major component of
acid rain. DHMO is also found in many known carcinogens, and in the
tumours of cancer patients.
DHMO has been
found to contaminate many foods, and is even used as a food additive. It
also contaminates lakes and rivers, yet industry dumps thousands of tons
of it into the environment every year unchecked.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was intended to be humorous, or
have no point about government policy
Some are rejected because they make no
sense. Which seems like a valid enough reason to me.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Portuguese interpreter.
Submitted by joanne of interpreter
This petition has been rejected
because:
It contained wording that is
impossible to understand
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to All students at academic institutions in the UK.
Submitted by Jonathan of student
This petition has been rejected
because:
It doesn't actually request any
action
It contained links to other websites
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to www.battleforbritain.org.uk
This petition has been rejected
because:
It contained language which is offensive,
intemperate, or provocative
It contained wording that is impossible to
understand
While that was pretty spammy, it wasn’t
really offensive, intemperate, provocative or hard to understand. Equally,
this next one doesn’t quite match its rejection criteria.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to 'We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to give.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It contained potentially libellous, false, or
defamatory statements
Obviously, inviting public opinion is a
dangerous game to play in this age of Daily Mail readers being allowed to
use computers. Even more so now that Sun readers can tell the difference
between a computer and an Etch-a-Sketch and aren’t put off by the former
being known as a "PC".
Firstly, we have a petition from someone
who knows his own mind but not how to spell "petition".
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to A Partition to Leave the European Union, for the good of
national identity and to stop the flow of money on dead end projects.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was identical to an existing
petition
Then we have a bunch of well argued
generalisations.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Stop the blatant abuse of the benefits system by lazy
work-shy scroungers.
More details from petition creator
We are ALL paying the benefits these
bone idle scroungers steal, from such an easily de-frauded system to
stay at home watching their large screen TVs'etc. If they will not
willingly join the Working Human race , their cushy payments should be
with-drawn.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It contained language which is
offensive, intemperate, or provocative
And one written in crayon.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to stop imigrantes coming in to brittain and taking brittish
jobs and creating brittish unemployment.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was identical to an existing
petition
Dear god I hope they don’t literally
mean "identical".
And finally, a noisy request from an
aggrieved party.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to GIVE US BACK OUR COUNTRY AND OUR FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND
THOUGHT.
YOU HAVE GIVEN OUR PROUD NATION TO
EUROPE,YOU CONSTANTLY UNDERMINE YOUR OWN FAITH BY SUCKING UP TO
ISLAM,YOU HAVE TAKEN AWAY OUR RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH ,AND ALSO YOUR
POLICIES ON MULTICULTURISM HAVE ALIENATED VAST AMOUNTS OF NORMAL PEOPLE
This petition has been rejected
because:
It contained language which is offensive,
intemperate, or provocative
A little tip – you will always win
friends in the multicultural debate if you use phrases like "normal
people". You look in any reputable dictionary and you’ll see it as a
synonym for "White Anglo Saxon".
Not that everyone enjoys looking through
dictionaries (reputable or otherwise) as our next petitioner shows.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to stop school for people who dnt want o go.
Submitted by steven shepherd of
student
More details from petition creator
it is a liberty a right liberty to be
forced to go to school help stop it now
This petition has been rejected
because:
It contained wording that is
impossible to understand
One person who does like going to school
brought their grievance to the public’s attention.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Reinstate Mr Cash as head of English.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was an issue for which an
e-petition is not the appropriate channel
And a couple which I assume are school
related but make no sense at all.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Ban all non-standard reporting instances of SITS student
reporting system.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was intended to be humorous, or
have no point about government policy
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to enforce q2ctf practice for all chldren aged 7-14.
Submitted by spawny mc respawned
More details from petition creator
to force all children in the above age
bracket to practice q2ctf1-5 for at least one 20 min round a day per
map. Also rtctf1a and the lfctf maps that I liked.
Spogctf1 plappage will result in
imprisonment, whatever the age of the child.
also lets ban dark bounty chocolate
bars, I mean sweet jesus they're awful
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was intended to be humorous, or
have no point about government policy
I agree about the dark Bounty bars.
Actually, all Bounty bars are horrible and should be shot. Speaking of
eliminating things with the initials BB…
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Ban any body with the name BOB BAT...
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was intended to be humorous, or
have no point about government policy
One of the cop outs
rejection reasons is that the wording is impossible to understand. Take
this next one – it is practially in code. For all we know it is signalling
to enemy agents that they should immediately detonate their relatives and
fly to Dover. That’s the second Fry and Laurie reference in this article.
I should get out more.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to To review the rules governing state pensions for British
subjects living in Canada.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It contained wording that is
impossible to understand
Although some really are impossible to
understand. I mean, bless her heart, she means well and I probably agree
with her but….
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to stop animal cruelty.
Submitted by lilprincess of
Angelzatheartband
More details from petition creator
animals r my life including music im
in a band called AnGeLzAtHeArT we love animalz deeply and will fight
there corner!People that believe humans come from apes then y r u
treating these animalz so bad if we have a right (which we do)they have
a right (which they should but at the moment they dont)we want to change
that peopel r evil how can anybody say have that dog killed and i will
wear it as a coat its just plain evil i have a dog n so do alot of
people,IF U HAVE AN ANIMAL U SHOULD NO THEY R THE SWEETEST THINGS EVER
SO HELP THEM AND JOIN ANGELZATHEART PLZ SIGN THIS PETION THANK U!!! this
petion is for all animalz give them the freedom they deserve!
This petition has been rejected
because:
It contained wording that is impossible to
understand
It contained false name or address information
She wouldn’t even get a GCSE with an
essay like that.
An equally passionate plea comes from
this next petitioner.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Allow Sheffield United FC to be exempt from relegation from
the Premier League.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was outside the remit or powers of the Prime
Minister and Government
Things can also get a bit incestuous if
you hang around the e-petitions site too long. Eventually you get
petitions about petitions.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to allow for more information to be written in petitions.
More details from petition creator
The 1000 characters including spaces
is not space enough to explain new complex ideas and therefore will not
generate informed public opinion thereby limiting the use of the
petition service to some kind of excuse the government can point to as
an example of their interest in public opinion perhaps. Thomas Jefferson
said information is the currency of democracy. Surely then we should
allow for as much information to be openly posted as possible. The
servants at number 10 should then love this influx of their bread and
butter. Fortunately this is a simple problem and so is the problem of
greed that blinds the systems of governance. However the consequences of
such problems are too complex for 1000 characters to encompass. There is
no freedom, no democracy.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was outside the remit or powers of the Prime
Minister and Government
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to modify this site to allow opposition to petitions.
More details from petition creator
Petitions are signed only by those who
agree with them. This is undemocratic, and this site should be modified
to allow people to register their opposition to petitions, which would
give a more balanced view.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was outside the remit or powers of the Prime
Minister and Government
It could be argued that the petitions on
the Prime Minister’s website might in some small way fall within the remit
and/or powers of the Prime Minister but there probably isn’t a drop-down
category for "get a life".
But not everyone is long winded or
pedantic – some get straight to the point.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to just go now.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It contained party political material
While others just blather on like anyone
gives a crap.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Allow without pblm.ThisAmerican/English Woman to Live in
Eng.her family's ancesteral Home.
More details from petition creator
Im American born
on America's East Coast. I grew up knowing my fathers family of English
heritage. I want to become an English citizen. I need with all respect
to the Prime Minister to allow me without redtape & without hinderance,
to enter England and live out my life. There are others with my rare
last name that do live in the UK and whom are related in some way to my
fathers side.Im American and quite proud of my English past. Please help
me PrimeMinister. England please sign my emotional petition. Good day.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was outside the remit or powers of the Prime
Minister and Government
And finally, three more from the
successful humour camp.
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to update the Anti-Terror laws to include War Against Tornados
and to promptly acknowledge the threat posed by home grown Tornados to
the British Public.
More details from petition creator
Tornado's are a direct threat to the
safety and well being of the British Public. MI5 and 6 and the other
intelligence agencies of the UK should set-up a new department to combat
this threat, identify if other tornado's are affiliated to the one that
caused devastation to the home in London on 7/12, so close to
Christmas/New Year. In addition, CCTV Cameras should now be adjusted to
recognize this new type of threat of home grown tornado's. Are these
Tornado's affiliated with any foreign tornado's, what steps should be
taken to talk to the Tornado's to ensure that they do not threaten our
way of life that they claim to hate. The public should be on the lookout
for rogue elements of Tornado's and report them promptly, ID Cards
should be issued to innocent tornado's who have fitted-in with the
British way of life. Parliament should be informed of this new threat to
our way of life.
This petition has been
rejected because:
It was outside the remit or powers of the Prime
Minister and Government
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to slaughter every single badger within Great Britain and
Northern Ireland, British Overseas Territories, and any Marine Badgers
at large within UK territorial waters. Also, to not rule out strategic
military strikes against rogue badger elements harboured by other
states.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was intended to be humorous, or have no point
about government policy
We the undersigned petition the Prime
Minister to Remove the vote from the over sixties.
More details from petition creator
Old people! Don't you just love 'em?
Answer me this: if old folk are so wise and so knowledgeable, then why
is the world in such a mess? And why is the political and social fabric
of the nation in such disarray? And why are our institutions so crippled
by anachronism? And why are we still sending young boys to war? Oh would
that they cared for the generations of the future so passionately as
they care about the state of their front lawns!
Grey vote? Blue rinse vote more like
it! Let's do ourselves a favour by taking them out of the political
process altogether. Then that'll leave them more time to concentrate on
the Bingo.
This petition has been rejected
because:
It was intended to be humorous, or have no point
about government policy
On the contrary – they have a point to
make about government policy and that is to stop wasting time and money on
stupid websites that just go to prove that the majority who don’t take
politics seriously are slightly less depressing than the minority who do.
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