Now That's What I Call Album Covers... From Hell Volume 3

You may have noticed that a lot of these records feature people singing about how happy God makes them. This next chap - Doyle Jones - seems to have an altogether different attitude. His album is called "I've had a touch from the lord" and he appears to expecting a large compensation payout following this legally heinous sexual harassment.

Not every album reatures God or even music. This next long player taps into the always lucrative "aural karate" market. Showing you the "mystical world of karate" in sound only. I expect it is a lot of Jon Pertwee noises mixed with some Japanese bloke talking nonsense to make it sound authentic.

I don't know what the black lettering says. It could be "Work", "Mork", "Worg", "Mobe" or possibly "Murg" but whichever it is, you can get it from Violet Cohn. Although that might be Frank Carson in drag.

Christianity gets a bad press what with Popes who try to live forever but fail at the last hurdle or the continued refusal of Jesus to tour again, but at least there are some Christian Crusaders willing to fight the good fight. Never mind that the last lot of Crusaders were hell bent on travelling to the Middle East and starting wars for fun. That sort of thing has no place in modern Christian fundamentalism. Modern Christianity needs nothing more than for a man to gather together a woman with one leg, a sinister midget and a bryl creamed Teletubby, and for them to bang on for forty-five minutes about how happy they are.

Back in the day, Elvis was well known for lying about how many burgers he'd eaten. His manager would say "Elvis, pet, how many burgers have you eaten?" and Elvis would say, "I have eaten but six burgers" even though his manager would be able to count eight plates. This three quarters principle was at the heart of his deception so it is only natural that when his backing singers released their own album they would pay homage to their master.

That was of course a joke but the next record is genuinely what happened when Joe 90, fed up of saving the world every week, dropped out and became a beatnik.

It is a little known fact that punk started life in 1950s America. But the prudish majority meant that these new-wave musicians, bursting with anger, couldn't quite vent that anger in the way they would've wanted. So this next band were unable to release "Go fuck yourself" and instead had to use a cunning cypher.

You may think you've seen big hair but Mrs Barnett surely takes some kind of cake. It's like someone spray painted fake hair onto a turban. At least we know why hair is sometimes called a "Barnet" - it's because someone measured her hair and Barnet was the same size.

When I think of Playboy I imagine glamorous women in various states of undressed airbrushing. Say the words "Playboy Pair" and I'm happily imagining two glamorous women in various states of undressed airbrushing touching each others breasts and pouting erotically. Obviously that's just me.

It may also just be my imagination but "Bill Nash" is a very homosexual man with one tooth filling his entire mouth.

This next one is so dull that not even the two people featured on the cover would buy it.

All those Christians who sing about God and Jesus how they make their lives happier should take a leaf out of Jim Post's book. He doesn't need religion and invisible deities and a regular Sunday appointment with a priest to make his life wonderful. Give him a shower and he's like a pig in sh...oes.

Alas, Freddie Gage can make no such claims. Here we see him, annoyed that his dry cleaners ruined the pants from his "Hopkirk (Deceased)" outfit, bemoaning his lot. Wracked with the pain of everyone he's ever liked having died, he prepares to try and send off a grave stone.

It may look like mocking but that is only because it is.