The Return of BBFC-Approved Porn and the People Who Buy It

I thought this one had long since run its course. There was only a certain amount of mileage one could get out of the reviews of pornographic DVDs posted by customers at Amazon UK. The well, as they say, was dry. The two original columns (here and here) date from 2004 and I’d pretty much forgotten them. But out of the lo and behold I had a request. Would I do another one? Could I do another one? My question was should I do another one? There is only so much porn one can view at Amazon before their customer profiling decides you are a pervert and starts emailing you whenever a new combination of "lesbian", "school", "girls" and "randy" is ejaculated onto the market.

Well, I relented. Partly because I couldn’t think of anything else to write and partly because everything about this seedy little niche makes me feel better about myself. We start off with a review which opened with a simply superb line.

If you like womans arses.. This film is for you

He spoils it by using the word "cinematographer" a bit further on in the review before coming good (bad choice of phrase) at the end.

I watched most of it with the volume turned down quite low in a locked room, and fast forwarded through the boring bits and rewound the good bits. You know the score.

Imagine if he’d died form exertion. It would be a fresh, modern evolution of the classical "locked door" murder mystery. One can imagine Poirot examining the tissues that litter the floor and becoming apoplectic when one of them sticks to his patent leather shoes.

Another fairly graphic description comes form this gentleman who purchased a boxed set of no fewer than twenty pornographic films.

This is a great one, its got variety and lots and lots of girl-girl T & A and so far no dodgy todgers, GREAT! Whenevr the girlfriend pops down the gym I get this one out for my own workout, no messing around with soppy stories it just gets straight to the nookie, Brilliant! The size of some of these womens puppies has to be seen they're so big, massive, huge, mammoth, absolutely hilarious. I cant wait to show my mates.

I noticed that many of these reviews make a point of stressing that the viewer has a girlfriend. So not a sad, lonely wanker then. Just a sad wanker with a secret place at the back of his wardrobe and swift reflexes whenever he hears a key being slid into the front door.

The reviewers of the above movies actually fit quite well with the next person’s thoughts on a film called "The Dirty Secretary".

started off as an interesting idea but most of the remaining time is spent in a strange room where a number of simultaneous sexual activities are being performed

Yes – until their "girlfriends" get back.

It isn’t just the reviews that provide unintentional comedy. Amazon has sponsored links on many of its pages and fiendishly clever computers work out which third party companies might appeal to whoever is viewing a particular item. A film called "The Duke of Knockers" included an offer to buy the sheet music from the film. I can imagine a certain seedy market for the sheets themselves but surely no one could possibly want to recreate the soundtrack.

This next movie synopsis isn’t anything special but it amused me.

A window cleaner falls off his ladder while looking at some lesbian action through a window he is cleaning. He ends up in emergency where the busty nurses give him lots of attention...

The phrase "looking at some lesbian action through a window" sounds like the most unimaginative copy it is possible to write. Maybe the 14 year old work experience boy was allowed to do the video sleeves that day. Or maybe the people making these DVDs haven’t actually developed since they were 14 year olds.

"We should have a man up a ladder."

"What is he doing?"

"Looking at some lesbian action."

"Genius."

A DVD called "Teresa May – Rock Bitch" proves that bad porn is not limited to Great Britain. Or even the planet Earth.

There are a few more short films but all are of bad quality, one in particular Miss M is lying on a towel on a moon, lovely computer generated image/ blue background stuff, NOT!! A five year old could do better.

Crap as it most probably is, having "Miss M" lying on a CSO moon is at least slightly unusual so credit to the makers for a spark of originality. Obviously, originality has its limits.

"We should have a man up a ladder."

"What is he doing?"

"Trying to get a better look at Teresa May on the moon."

"You’re fired."

"Full Up" gets damned with faint praise by this brief review.

A slightly attractive blonde with two men perform in various rooms in a house

While this reviewer goes a little further after watching "Girls Night In"

i watched the first three minutes then thought to F/Forward in play mode, the film duly finished without the need to press play again...... ejected...cut into two so nobody else need have the pain...and threw into the bin and shredded the cover so nobody will have the misfortune of coming across the four old hags upon it.

That was a classic example of older women being passed off as young. The awkwardly named "4 Mature and Bizarre Films" has two old women with the tips of their tongues touching (you know, in that way that lesbians do whenever they are photographed) and the label "Sixty year old lesbian grannies". A viewer complains,

Don't be mislead by the sensored pictures on the cover. The content on the film does not include those scenes, and shows far less detail. Each of the four films has only about 5 minutes running time. The camera angle is such that you never get to see the genital areas

So he’s COMPLAINING because he couldn’t see the genitals of sixty year old lesbian grannies? I’d pay £14.99 NOT to see that. I’d probably go as high as £19.99 if it meant not having to watch hot sexagenarian action. I’m sure there are many happy and admirable lesbian grannies (who obviously discovered their true sexuality after giving birth to the children who have subsequently bred) but they should keep their genitals away from prying eyes.

Of course, there are a number of age brackets that women in British porn go through as their careers progress. Generally they start as "school girls" when they are in their late 20s and stay there until they become "mature". Later they may become "grannies" but we’ve all suffered that image far too long and should move on. The "school girl" video is thriving with titles such as "Eighteen" earning glowing reviews.

Pointless and pathetic. Two elderly fatties dressed as schoolgirls pretend to be in detention and, unable to come up with any dialogue (this embarrassing sequence goes on for twenty minutes) start to draw willies on the blackboard. It takes a turn for the worse when they strip down to their grannies' underwear and the lard starts to wobble. They appear not to like each other very much but the cameraman audibly encourages them to "lez off" which they reluctantly start to do. They display limited knowledge of female anatomy - or make sure to steer well clear of any real erogenous zones, which you shouldn't expect to see. Save your money for a Razzle and a box of tissues.

"Dirty Young Students" gets four stars from a keen-eyed viewer.

If you are a fan of schoolgirls then you'll like these two dirrrty girls getting up to all kinds of mischief!
It lost a star bacause the uniforms are not authentic enough

I don’t want to know how or where he has kept up to date on the fashions of school uniform. Just as I don’t want to know who came up with the title of the movie earning these words of praise –

This DVD has no hard core porn, but has a good flow, and some nice moments of ecstasy. I liked it and would recommend others to have a go...

The disc was called "O-Level School Girls" and unless it was a reference to the women starring in it being so old they were at school when they were still called "O-Levels" it implies fifteen or sixteen year olds. Classy.

We leave the gymslips and experimental rubbing of school girl porn with this strange description from a viewer of "What School Girls Don’t Tell You."

Take my word, dont waste your money on this. This has no plot and no porn. The guys and gals are running around without any agenda.

Sometimes it isn’t necessarily what they say but the appalling way in which they say it.

If you like films where there are lots of beautifull women in states of undress,and quite often naked.
this is a sensible choice.The films vary a bit in terms of a followable plot. A few of the films over-lap in 1 or 2 places.Girl Camp 3 and Chained Rage have good even inteligent plots.Apart from the heroes,the men in the film , usually act as ultimatly flawed mugs.Or are simply unfortunate.
The womens role's vary from the collectivly passive,to the perverse ,or to the Super-human.

Someone actually typed that, read it over and thought "Yes – I want other people to read that. It will help them make an informed choice". Click. Send.

I’d also quibble as to whether it is possible to "over-lap". Sometimes you just have to go that extra mile (especially in one or two places).

This reviewer gave his particular film three stars out of five but his scale must be different to mine.

Wouldn't recommend this dvd to anyone as the description once again is a lie, There aint no hardcore action , i get turned on more watching News Round.

I wish I could add something about John Craven having that effect on lots of people but News Round is probably presented by someone blonde and perky these days. Damn them and their joke-ruining bimbos.

The point of reviews is to inform, educate and entertain (or is that the BBC?) This next review does all three.

WARNING
Buy lube with this, trust me you will need it, i had to see a doctor after my marathon.

You would think that you couldn’t go wrong with a film called "XXX Lesbian". Well, you can and you can’t. The review on offer almost makes me want to see it.

This is one of the funnist movies I have ever seen. The room is falling apart as is this sofa. The blonde can barely stop laughing as she is mauled about and actually stops to take a phone call mid XXXX. Meanwhile the brunette does her best to be a professional but even she has to stop to have a cup of tea and give her aching wrist a rest from pleasuring her friend.

Occasionally a real lesbian will critique one of these low budget movies.

i know little to nothing about porn as this was bought 4 me as a bday pressent, but i do know that the idea is to be turned on-and this was nothing short of cringably pathetic! if your a lesbian reading this ( as a lesbian myself) do NOT i repeat do NOT buy this, its the worst porn or sex iv ever watched in my life. its nothin short of a male directors portrayal of what in their small minds lesbian sex is or shud be - pure crap. do NOT buy!! worst acting, story line or sex ever. basically 3 very unattractive women stroke each other alot with suntan lotion whilst in doors (!!??) and then stroke sum more - incredibly repetitive with no actual sex wot so ever - VERY poor. i dont even recommend this to men who enjoy watchin 2women (il keep my personal opinion to myself on that one) its so poor - do NOT buy!!!

Thank goodness she kept her personal opinions to herself.

And would it have killed her to write in English?

And what kind of friends does she have? No one has ever bought me porn for my birthday.

The wittily titled "Department Sex" (we need more porn series named after ITC shows) gets a long and rather well written review from a keen and lust-filled viewer. Rather than reproduce it in its entirety I give you some choice phrases –

…the very lovely Michelle getting her porky oatsworth

…it is the girls who feature with Her Saucy Breastfulness that let it down

…once Michelle starts fully giving the lady her sordid oats, she eases up a little

…she does get to watch another bedraggled old harridan getting her horrid receivings

And while we’re on to pastiche titles we must include two "Adult Channel" programmes released on DVD and the range of wit they have on offer. Firstly, "Star Whores" which has episodes including - 'Earth Girls Are Sleazy', 'The Filth Element', 'Deep Fanny Impact', 'Enemy Minge', 'Total Re:Call Girl' and 'Starfish Troopers'

Secondly, "Double O Heaven" which gives us – "'For Your Thighs Only', 'License To Dil', 'Moanfaker', 'The Minge With The Golden Gun', 'On Her Mammeries Secret Cervix', 'Live And Let Dyke', 'Dr Blow', 'View To A Thrill' and 'Cocktopussy'.

I leave you with this plea from a fan of naked women in general,

I beg you to buy it now,or rent it,and then buy it,you would be mad not to get it