What to do if you think you look like someone famous

Don’t say I never do anything for you. I could do more admittedly but I’ve given you invaluable tips on genuine celebrities who are prepared to come and liven up your dinner parties for a one-off fee. However, you say to me in your thousands, what if even a minor celebrity is beyond either my budget or my sanity threshold? What if you have an event – let’s not limit it to dinner only – and Jonathan Morris, the Hamiltons and TV’s Syd Little are a little too rich for your blood? How about doing the celebrity world’s equivalent of Kazaa – don’t buy the original, get yourself a copy. It just so happens that I stumbled across a site which offers literally a whole awards ceremony’s worth of star clones for hire. Indistinguishable from the real thing. Even their own mothers cannot tell the real from the downloaded version.

And so, with absolutely no digital alterations at all (save for hiding the name so you can play along at home) I give you the glittering world of fake celebrities*. Keep a note of your score and all will be revealed at the end of this poor quality missive.

*I don’t mean the kind who get “famous” by appearing on Big Brother and then whoring themselves for their whole fifteen minutes before returning to whatever Job Centre they came from in the first place.

The first category of look-a-like is the one who simply dresses like their chosen target. To their credit they do it very well as this gallery of stars ably demonstrates. Put someone of the right race, age, height or hair colour (though not all four obviously) into a facsimile outfit and you have an excellent novelty party act. One mark for every one you get correct in the “Tries hard to overcome nature” round.

Round two is worth two points each. Not because the questions are hard but because the theme of the round is “Ooh – that’s a bit scary.” The following faces may offend you and those of a nervous disposition may want to sacrifice the twelve points on offer in this round.

In phase three of this little quiz-ette I’m offering a massive, whopping and quite frankly insane five points for each one you get right. Why am I being so absurdly generous? Mainly because there isn’t a prize on offer but also because they’re so bad that no one will get points anyway. There is a madness to my method – never forget that.

The final zone goes beyond anything previously asked of you. It is hard to identify people who claim (without any obvious justification) to look like the very famous. It is harder still to recognise people who don’t look anything like people who you would never think anyone would try to earn a living out of looking like. Ten points for a correct answer. No, hang it all, make it twenty.

And finally, fifty bonus points to anyone who can identify who this man impersonates for a living.

So how do you feel that went? Are you reaching for your chequebook to sign up some of these facially blessed pseudo-celebs? Or just cursing my name for wasting your time with this accursedly un-dial-up-friendly page? If you care, click here for the answer page. But at no time let yourself forget the golden rule that Mel’n’Sue drummed into us on RI:SE tv –

There are NO PRIZES.