The Harsher Side of ebay

I seem to be obsessed with eBay at the moment. Not surprising really – I use it to uncover rare trifles, I find it an endless source of mild entertainment, it supports my view that people are stupid and fairly horrible and I spend most of the week sat next to a chap for whom eBay is quite literally his life. Or at least will be soon. One integral part of eBay is feedback – the buyer rates the seller and the seller rates the buyer. Thus we know who are the good guys and who are the bad guys. Positive feedback is perhaps the second dullest thing in existence (writing about positive feedback being the dullest) but negative feedback is a fish of an all together different kettle.

I was alerted to a particular seller who has a habit – some might say obsession – with replying to negative feedback. He has, it has to be said, a feedback score of 7884 and a 98.1% positive rating. But he also has a dark and slightly disturbing side. As usual I won’t name names as I illustrate the sort of bullying behaviour which threatens to turn eBay feedback into a polite nonsense. Soon eBayers will be no more likely to voice their grievances than an English person in a shoddy restaurant.

Indeed, one suspects the guy who left this positive feedback did so with all the enthusiasm and sincerity of a couple asked by Basil Fawlty if they are enjoying their meal.

postage was only $0.80 not £7.99 from the usa item is ok though not 1 in pic

Actually, the Basil Fawlty motif is strangely accurate for this seller – hereinafter referred to as "Our Seller" – fawns over those who leave him positive feedback and lashes out at anyone who leaves the slightest trace of complaint.

There are two feedback arenas in which he plies his trade – replying to those who have left him feedback and giving feedback to his buyers. These will be distinguished by the prefixes "left by" and "reply by" where appropriate.

And, my final remark before leaving the floor to Our Seller, notice how he aims all his remarks not at the person he’s really talking to but he addresses them to the audience. As if he’s our champion taking these unreasonable weasels to task on our behalf.

Right, let the fun begin.

Left by buyer: A total WANKER.Forgot to add P+P got 5 mails of abuse.Saving for Ebay admin.

Reply by Our Seller: Deadbeat who does not pay and rude. Need we say more?

* * *

Left by Our Seller: Does not pay according to terms. Invents his own terms. Rude and can't read.

Keep in mind that bit about abusive emails – we’ll return to that theme later.

This was left by a seller who called herself reggaechick0 and it illustrates our seller’s habit of not only leaving revenge feedback but doing so in the most childish way he can.

Left by buyer: RUDE, IGNORANT, TOTALLY UNHELPFUL SELLER -DON'T BUY FROM

Reply by Our Seller: reggaechick? Need I say more? What a royal nuissance!

* * *

Left by Our Seller: RUDE, IGNORANT, TOTALLY A LOSER. WHAT AN IDIOT! 1ST COMPUTER!

Reply by buyer: Retaliation to negative feedback left for this abusive and vile seller - beware!

Left by buyer: Slow Delivery, 7 Days and it;s still not here... No Initial contact for 7 days

Reply by Our Seller: 7 days? What a loser! Naturally Mr. premature got his own nego :-)

* * *

Left by Our Seller: This nut likes negatives. Loser, idiot. Yes loser size does matter!

[buyer’s only negative]

Left by buyer: This guy was absolute RUBBISH _ DO NOT BUY FROM HIM - TIME WASTER!

Reply by Our Seller: This from a guy with ZERO votes? Newbi without a clue.

* * *

Left by Our Seller: Bit of a un reliable buyer. Probably a kidster just learning. Blocked!

[buyer’s only negative]

Left by buyer: If you request the item to be sent asap, they cancel the deal. VERY BAD EBAYER.

Reply by Our Seller: ANY & ALL THREAT ORDERS ARE CANCELLED AT ONCE! NO THREATS PLEASE!

* * *

Left by Our Seller: Bit of a un reliable buyer. Probably a kidster just learning. Blocked!

Left by Our Seller: Buyer seems to have a lot of run ins with sellers. We blocked him. Trouble.

Reply by buyer: I left negative feedback for this seller -charged £6 postage and made £4 profit.

Reply by Our Seller: This idiot thinks Bin Laden should be hailed a HERO! Got e-mail to prove it!

Reply by buyer: Why would I say that ????

Left by buyer: only worked after contacting them for driver details. should have been supplied

Reply by Our Seller: Buyers please don't invent your own contents. If is says car don't expect a bus!

Reply by buyer: Products should be supplied with drivers. You expect a car to come with wheels!!

* * *

Left by Our Seller: Idiot who can't read. Clueless about computers and loves negatives!!

Reply by buyer: If a product requires drivers, they should be supplied. I work in IT actually

[buyer’s only negative]

The next buyer makes no sense but gives us an early example of our seller making bizarre accusations about people.

Left by buyer: They before offer reductions in price, then deny them. Bleah, bad seller!!!

Reply by Our Seller: WAY too much wine for this chap! Nut on sailors leave?

Left by buyer: PATHETIC SELLER! faulty product, so told 'take your loser PC knowledge elsewhere

Reply by Our Seller: BUYERS, seriously, the products are ONLY for those who have a lot of PC knowhow!

* * *

Left by Our Seller: This artsie bugger does not even know how to turn the PC ON! High Risk!

Reply by buyer: YOU TWAT! sent faulty good, claimed it was my fault it didnt work COMPLAINT MADE

[buyer’s only negative]

Left by buyer: Paid immediately. Item never delivered. Emails unanswered. No explanation.

Reply by Our Seller: We sent TWO out. I think this may be a sneaky person.

* * *

Left by Our Seller: Liar. Blamer. Complainer. Inventor. Likes negatives. BLOCKED!! No more 100%

Left by buyer: Item took too long to arrive after i had paid for it.

Reply by Our Seller: Wanted item in 24 hours!!! That is simply not possible! Must be a full moon.

Left by buyer: crap ebayer will not use again FRAUD beware DO NOT BUY FROM PLEASE LOOK AT HIS FEEDBACK SAYS IT ALL

* * *

Left by Our Seller: Absolute Fraud! This guy is a cheat and a liar. Stay away. Beware!!

Reply by buyer: 8 BAD FEEDBACKS IN 1 MONTH WHOS THE LIAR AND CHEAT COUSE IT AINT ME BEWARE FRAUD

Reply by Our Seller: FRAUD FRAUD BEWARE DO NOT USE PLEASE LOOK AT HIS FEEDBACK SAYS IT ALL

…which sounds rather familiar. It’s like copy and paste but with added capitalisation.

Left by Our Seller: Two bit loser. Seems to liking the negatives lately so we oblige.

Left by buyer: cam came, i sent a message asking if a setup cd came & was told yes but didn’t

Reply by Our Seller: Surfer Dood can't read. Must say we are not surprised.

Left by buyer: wont connect to any of my devices, no reply to emails

Reply by Our Seller: This chap is a CAVEMAN who NEVER contacted us. Look at his comment!!!

Left by Our Seller: Clueless lying piece of garbage! Can't read!

Left by Our Seller: There goes 100% feedback. What an idiot! Blocked! This chap is a nutcase!

Left by buyer: I paid immediately. one month later, item has not arrived. no refund offered. replying to email would be more productive than giving gratuitous negatives...

Reply by Our Seller: Obviously a nutcase or perhaps hitting the bottle a little too hard.

Left by buyer: the item didnt work.got them back but said bye bye to my money.i'm still waitin

Reply by Our Seller: We think this is a scam artist from Italy. Not 1st one.

Left by Our Seller: Absolute nutcase. Bordering on staulker! Pays late and harasses like a nutcase.

[buyer’s only negative]

Left by buyer: non ha VOLUTO capire il problema

Reply by Our Seller: Does not understand a word of English.

Left by Our Seller: Had 100% now does not.. Idiot if you ask us!

Left by Our Seller: Happy to be your 1st negative. The bugger is an idiot who can't speak English!

Left by buyer: item faulty and will cost to much to send back for a replacment at my cost

Reply by Our Seller: If you give negative you get negative. That is the rule!

Left by buyer: confusing downloading and getting the driver off the internet but p&p was quick.

Reply by Our Seller: I suppose tying his shoes is equally confusing?

Left by Our Seller: Happy to be your 1st negative. Has the brain of a Monkey! Blocked!

Left by Our Seller: Complete ignorant fool. Pays late! This one should surely be avoided. Blocked!

Left by Our Seller: There goes 100% feedback. What an idiot! Blocked! This chap is a nutcase!

Left by Our Seller: Buyer is a scammer who filed claim 5 days after purchase. Reported to police!

Left by Our Seller: We have reported him to the POLICE. Scam beware! Is a complete scam!

Left by Our Seller: Complete deadbeat. Stay clear of this nut. We had to call the police on him!

Left by Our Seller: We refunded his payment and this Kraut complains!!! NOT a word of ENGLISH!

Left by Our Seller: LYING FOOL!

Left by Our Seller: Stay far far far away from this nutcase.

* * *

(then, 24 hours later after the seller agreed to withdraw the negative rating, added)

* * *

Reply by Our Seller: This ebayer is very nice. Very fair and reasonable!

Left by Our Seller: SELLERS BEWARE. Buyer likes to play games!

Left by Our Seller: SELLER BEWARE. Buyer doesn't have emails in order.

Left by Our Seller: Not truthful. Sellers be cautious this ebay lies and whines.

Left by buyer: never contacted me

Reply by Our Seller: WE ARE NOT A CHAT ROOM. GET MSN MESSENGER & FIND FRIENDS

Left by Our Seller: This guy is your typical ninny nanny eeediot!

Left by Our Seller: Simple: Buyer is a loser. Beware!

Left by buyer: Waited 2 Weeks, Then It's Faulty. Cost more to send back than item's worth.

Reply by Our Seller: A vacuum cleaner is faulty if you don't know how to turn it on!! Neg 4 U 2

Left by Our Seller: Clueless. Do not sell technical items to this buyer. 100% FB lost?

Reply by buyer: I'm An Electronics Engineer, I know if something does not work. DIP-SHIT !!!

Left by buyer: USLESS PRODUCT! USLESS GARAUNTEE!! USLESS EBAYER!! :o(

Reply by Our Seller: Very personal eh? Having marital issues & taking them out on ebay? Weird

Left by Our Seller: WATCH OUT!! THIS IS A BIG TIME CON ARTIST. DO NOT TRUST.

[buyer’s only negative in 117 feedbacks]

Left by buyer: sarcastic email when asking for correct xp driver, still no joy.poor cus service

Reply by Our Seller: This bugger is CLUELESS. Did not even know what he bought. Must be bored!

Left by buyer: not impressed

Reply by Our Seller: Simple, NEGATIVE GETS YOU NEGATIVE. Go positive its better.

Left by Our Seller: We all know these "tight" buggers at the pub. They always want a free beer!

Left by Our Seller: A scammer is born every minute. One more!

Left by Our Seller: English is required to get it to work.

And the most recent one is perhaps the weirdest. It was either a slip of the finger or a sublime piece of minimalism.

Left by buyer: rien reçu !!!!!

Reply by Our Seller: In

Another of Our Seller’s mantras is that you should never let a good joke go to waste. Here he is giving no fewer than four renditions of the classic "Guided missiles" gag.

Left by buyer: took a long time to arrive and didnt work!!!

Reply by Our Seller: Never heard a peep from this chap. China has trouble with guided missiles too!

Left by buyer: Goods arrived faulty ! seller notified but no response – Beware

Reply by Our Seller: Never heard a peep from this chap. China has trouble with guided missiles too!

Left by buyer: Item never received and seller does not reply to e-mails

Reply by Our Seller: Never heard a peep from this chap. China has trouble with guided missiles too!

Left by buyer: I have waited for 6 weeks, without resiving my product!! I will not recomend him

Reply by Our Seller: Never heard a peep from this chap. China has trouble with guided missiles too!

At some point in early 2005 he discovered that personal abuse is best left in his own feedback section (and in private email) and that more harm could be done to his unhappy customers with a simple "SELLERS BEWARE BUYER DOES NOT COMPLY WITH TERMS!". Not complying with terms covers such issues as not receiving goods, paying £7 for 80p of postage, slow delivery and receiving abusive emails. That must be some pretty damn comprehensive small print he’s got there.

I teased, some say tantalised, you with the threat of an example of Our Seller’s charming way with email abuse. One particularly disgruntled buyer posted a full exchange on his eBay member’s page. I’ve tidied it up and removed the addresses but it is otherwise entirely as written. WARNING – it contains adult themes and some sexual swear words.