Safar-e-bay IV - I've Started so I'll Finish

Welcome, one and all, to another trawl through eBay. An adventure hampered only by the obligatory bumbling sidekick and the rules which mean I have to make a chain from buyers and sellers which just goes to prove that we're all mere steps away from either greatness or madness. Which is a good way to describe our first item. You'll probably say "but this item is... sorry - I was distracted by how gorgeous you are... where was I?... oh yes - but this item is surely just someone's idea of a joke" and you might be right. But it sold for $647.59 plus postage and packing so if it was a joke then it's the sort of joke which might end in prison. I'll let the seller set the scene.

Hello, I am selling what I believe to be a time machine that was built in the year 2239 by Dr. J. S. Strauss. I found the machine under my house when I was doing remodeling to the bathroom.

So far so good. But surely the proof of this particular pudding is in whether you can actually, you know, travel in time. I assumed he must've done to see that he'd make $647.59 selling it on eBay but apparently this is not the case.

I found the time machine in december of 2004 and I have tried to get it to work but I could not, I even called my best friend who has worked on cars, even he could not get it to work.

Wow - it defied a man who has worked on cars. It must be technology from the far future then. The Q&A section of the listing contains this marvellous couplet.

Q: I can't decide whether you are a comedy genius, entrepreneur, conman or just a complete twat. Which is it?

A: im just an average guy who just happend to found a time machine under his house.

The kind of person who buys a time machine of, shall we say, dubious provenance obviously has money to burn. Nevertheless, he or she does at least allow the warmth from the cash furnace to do some good as this charity auction purchase shows. For $3,605.01 they won the following -

That was for charity and the seller isn’t offering anything else so it’s back to time machine buyer for another purchase - "Ron Bensimhon's World Figure skating Championship uniform". Don't laugh - this collection of tights and weapon-calibre-footwear sold for $6,400.00. That's nearly two days on the set of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

But, dammit, the person selling this prize piece of unique figure skating memorabilia sells nothing but hooded sweatshirts. A million hooded sweatshirts (I’ve rounded it up for ease of reference) and one used figure skating uniform. What is up with that? The seller is utterly devoid of interest apart from a small item in his feedback – the only blemish on his record.

“ging niet door, na betaling wil hij meer geld hebben ivm porto” says a disgruntled buyer. Sadly, he withdrew this eloquent rant seventeen hours later by saying “I gave paul a neg. report in error, he is an honourable man. Sorry”

He sells with honour. I trawled through the sweatshirt seller's back catalogue and the best I could find was a black and pink hooded sweatshirt - perfect for the chav-daughter in your family.

The mother, father, probation officer, boyfriend, girlfriend or child of the femme-chav found a buyer for this item – “Juggling Frosty Nutcracker” – which seems to be a nut cracker which is shaped like a snowman who is juggling.

The buyer was, I kid you not, a collector of nut crackers. Should that be nuts cracker? Probably not. They purchased this scary item for their display cabinet.

Egads - it's like a cross between a nightmare and something the Irish Anti-Defamation League would protest about (if they existed, which they probably do in America where everything has an ADL). The seller of the above ceramic horror story must've been drunk one night and ended up buying a job-lot of terror tat which makes Michael Jackson look like Michael Parkinson. He or she also sold this creation - surely enough to put anyone off heterosexuality for life.

The strong stomached buyer of the above also acquired this prime piece of 1960s merchandise. There is a theory that Lost in Space was only ever any good in Black and White. Judge for yourself as I skilfully reproduce the alleged golden age of television via some Photoshop magic.

The robot looks in remarkable condition considering its age. Maybe the seller kept it fresh in another of his inventory - this refrigerator which either looks chic and retro or like something from a morgue. Admit it - you could get a dead body in there without having to remove the ice cube trays.

You know how things are - you see something that you think is cool (fridge, cool, geddit?!?) and you spend a hundred and fifty dollars on it. Then you get it home and slap your forehead with a pained "where am I gonna put it?" Well, two options spring to mind - either get rid of your nice, modern fridge or build an extension on your house. This particular fridge buyer chose a cheaper version of option 2. They bought a greenhouse.

Where is that woman going to put those plants? Shouldn't she have some kind of table in there? Still, it doesn't matter if the buyer is stupid because the greenhouse comes with "sliding door for easy access" because we know how tricky standard doors can be.

At least a greenhouse has a function. The final item on our travels today - sold by Mr Greenhouse Seller himself - seems to have between three and no functions.

It is, and I quote, a TV / Radio / Lantern Combo. So you can watch television and be dazzled at the same time. And then wonder what the heck those arm things are. Maybe they're... nope - can't think of anything. It looks like the sort of thing James Bond would've had in the olden days but without the benefit of Q to explain it all.

And so we end with as apparently useless a gadget as we opened with. Going via figure skating, improvised comedy, ugly dolls and corpse storage facilities. My hapless assistant has put the kettle on so I'll bid you good evening.