Safar-e-bay III - the Search for Schlock

My journey today starts with a problem. Since compiling this trawl through the undergrowth the first item has gone. It was rather… um… controversial. It was a Dalek which the seller priced at nearly two thousand pounds (starting price, natch) and claimed was genuine. To prove this he added that it was signed by Jon Pertwee. Now, there are people who know a Dalek from a shit Dalek copy and they asked a few questions. The seller, remembering at all times that the customer is always right, hurled abuse at each and every one of them who dared to suggest that it wasn’t authentic. This is the closest match I could find online. The site hosting this image claims it is from the Ultimate Adventure stage play but David Brunt – an expert in such things – said about the ebay one “That's certainly not an "Ultimate Adventure" Dalek.” The seller also felt the need to mention to those criticising his listing that he had a house and a girlfriend. Classy guy.

Though he seemed to have nothing but scorn for Doctor Who and its fans – begging the question of how he obtained a full size Dalek – he bought this wardrobe. I bet he spent hours climbing into it and wishing it would disappear. As did we after reading his abusive, and frankly insane, tirades. We got our wish as he’s no longer registered with eBay.

The man selling this Tard… wardrobe doesn’t just do furniture. Oh ho ho no. Synergy is the buzzword of Y2KV and what better way to cross sell to your core demographic than by offering BOTH storage for clothes AND stuffed rodents?

The buyer of this delightful squirrel also bought several other items of interest to the taxidermy enthusiast. I bet his house is stuffed full... I can't go on with such a poor quality remark. Instead I'll leave the sawdust based preservation of wild creatures and delve a little deeper into his purchase history. It appears that he not only likes to bring the out doors inside, he is obviously a bit of a wilds dweller himself if these matches are anything to go by. Not for him the comfort of safety matches - these babies sell themselves on their ruggedness. As the seller says, "You can even strike 'em on the back of your pants!" Although he adds the disclaimer "They will 'strike anywhere' there is a slightly rough surface." So it depends on the type of trouser you are wearing. Don't waste your time rubbing them on your silk boxer shorts.

The match seller is a single minded sort of guy. His buying history reveals page after damn page of lighters and torches. Perhaps he has a morbid fear of the dark, maybe he's just a keen amateur arsonist. Who knows. Of the many lighters in his collection, this seems to be the most inappropriate.

It is described as "Space Shuttle Memorial Zippo Lighter" and there can surely be no better way of paying tribute to those astronauts who died in a horrific fireball than a commemorative lighter.

Moving on to more jolly items, the lighter seller offered this delightful item for sale. For a mere $46.51 someone purchased probably the first Safar-e-bay item which I myself would like to own. It's not just a Swiss army knife - it's a Swiss army knife, fork AND spoon.

It's a thing of beauty and no mistake.

It was bought by a knife enthusiast with a softer side if we are to judge from this work of canine art. I’ve read the spec and I still don’t know what it is meant to be. The seller's spiel says "Employing a clever blend of composition and caricature, the sculptures capture the unique personality of each breed." Whatever.

At least I know what this is – from the dog seller – it’s a shoe.

Just the one shoe. Would suit unidexter. Actually, it's part of a range of collectable shoes described as "a miniature collectible made from cold cast porcelain". You will be amazed to learn that they are very popular in America. And, no doubt, certain parts of Leeds.

And finally, having started out with the Dalek – a military machine which perhaps doesn’t look suited to the battlefield – we move to our final item. The lone-shoe seller also sold someone a “MILITARY Macaw Parrot Collector Plate” - their capitalization not mine.

Is a military macaw one which, upon capture by the enemy, will only reveal its name, rank, serial number and the identity of who it considers to be a pretty boy?

On that note I'll log off from eBay and let you live your lives.