So, I’ve decided what I like about boys and what I like about girls. Why not just describe yourself as bisexual?, I hear you say. Two reasons. Firstly, it feels like a cop-out and doesn’t actually help very much. Part of this whole process was to help me get some definition and clarity going forward, and being bisexual doesn’t really give me any focus. I think somebody once said something to the effect that for a man to say he’s bisexual just means that he’ll sleep with anyone and while that’s an extreme point of view, no man in his right mind admits to being bisexual when there’s the slightest chance of getting off with a girl. And secondly, it ignores the fact that what I feel for girls and boys is in itself different. What I feel for women is in most cases close to adoration- I like my women ethereal, spiritual, almost with no physical existence at all. Last year I went to the National Portrait Gallery and bought myself two postcards, one of Darcey Bussell and one of Gwyneth Paltrow, and I think that in doing it I was drawn by their grace and beauty, not any kind of desire. Or perhaps I’ve wanted to be them rather than shag them. In that sense, I suppose it’s almost an aesthetic appreciation- I’ve always been drawn to women who were classy, exotic or visually striking, but with an almost complete absence of lustful intent. What I feel for other males, however, is deeper and darker. It emerges most often when I’m tired (perhaps when the veneer of respectability is at its weakest) and it’s a desire such as I can’t ever remember feeling for a woman. Perhaps it’s just good old-fashioned lust, but then again gay sex in and of itself really doesn’t appeal.

And where does this leave me? Surprisingly, less confused that I was before I began. I think I’m starting to be able to accept that I have these aspects to my personality, and that I’m after two things which are mutually exclusive- the love of a good woman and the body of a good man. The difficulty comes when I try to put the conclusions I’ve reached into practice. I’m not, for instance, the kind of person who’s prepared to come out on principle and damn the consequences- I have far too much to lose for that. I’ve embraced a belief system which sees most of what I’ve decided about myself as wrong, and I know myself well enough to know that I do need to resolve this at some unspecified point in the future or the tension will just get worse. By striving for a kind of middle-class respectability, I’ve put my emotional fulfilment on a back burner, and it’s been there for so long that I sometimes forget it’s there. There are times when I ask myself what anybody hopes to get from a relationship or marriage, and I really can’t see what anybody gains apart from having your dinner made 50% of the time and having to do half as much housework. What this means practically is that I’m unlikely to embrace my sexuality in all its fullness and inconsistency until there’s somebody worth doing it for. Or until I’m in Australia in three months’ time and nobody knows either way.

The other day I was reading a couple of Si Hunt’s pieces (on the grounds that I can’t expect anybody to read my outpourings if nobody reads mine) and one of the lovely things about it was the sense of domesticity about his arrangements. So perhaps the two aren’t mutually incompatible at all. But when I think seriously about a gay relationship, there are so many obstacles and potential pitfalls. While I suspect that most of my family would be OK with it (not having had anything approaching a relationship in 11 years, they probably suspect something anyway), I’m not sure I wouldn’t feel awkward myself and embarrassed at having pretended to be something I wasn’t for so long. I can’t honestly expect my church friends to treat me in the same way- and before you condemn them for intolerance, these are people who’ve fed me, supported me and picked me up late at night when the last bus didn’t turn up, so I can’t just throw all that back in their faces. And the rest of my friends and acquaintances probably aren’t close enough to be personally offended, but I do mingle in circles of mostly married couples and formal dinners where I’m expected to have a "lady" on my arm.

So that’s about it. Ultimately, sexuality is about how people relate to other people, and by the time it gets dirty, it’s about two individuals and how they feel about each other. I’d like nothing more than somebody, male or female, to be crazy about, because I do have an overwhelming need to give love, but what I have to work through is how much of my present life I’m prepared or able to sacrifice for that. I do feel that I’ve reached more of an understanding of myself than I had before- it’s just a question of how I work that through and apply it from here onwards, and whether I can give up the hollow shell of my current life for something more vital and fulfilling. Any messages of support via the editorial office would be appreciated, but in any case thanks for keeping up with me.