Before any of you who, like me, hail from that mythical land known as the nineteen-seventies get yourselves all misty-eyed and nostalgic about "Into The Labyrinth", the ITV children's sci-fi series that ran for three seasons, let me quickly point out that, to misquote the recently-restored Obi-Wan Kenobi, this is not the labyrinth we're looking at.

Granted, before I move on, that rather bizarre series probably does deserve a column of its own (although I feel almost certain that it already has at least one website dedicated to it, so that surely makes up for it*). I only intermittently watched the first two series, following it fully with its third and final run - which was unfortunate, since I spent a good two or three episodes of that last series waiting for series stalwart Ron Moody to turn up, only to finally and begrudgingly admit that he clearly hadn't signed up for a third batch, and had been replaced by a character called Lazlo played by an actor whose name, if not his face, eludes me. (If you want to know, then as I say there's bound to be at least one website out there that will be delighted to tell you). It was, if my memory serves me, a rather odd series, in which the characters moved to a different period of history each week, but always somehow ended up in the same old cave set. This, I presume, was the titular (steady missus) Labyrinth, although I could never quite work out whether the characters knew they were in a cave or not. Anyway, I'm not going to talk any more about the glittering jewel that was that show, so let me in the manner of Pamela Salem at the end of each episode, Deny you the Scarabeus and move swiftly on.

The Labyrinth I'm actually referring to is, sadly, one of considerably less entertainment and/or nostalgia appeal. My daughter, who is intermittently cited as the inspiration, or the chief culprit, for these columns, can once again take the praise/blame this week, as she has been watching "The Labyrinth" on DVD. And of course being a seven-year old that means watching and watching and watching and.... Well, you get the idea I'm sure.

We've actually had "The Labyrinth" on DVD for quite some time, albeit consigned to the back of a slightly dusty and very rickety (yes, I did DI-myself) shelf unit. It was nominally my wife's DVD - I say nominally, but what I actually mean is that it was absolutely and indisputably hers... but she never ever watched it. The exact same description can also be applied to "The Secret Garden", a DVD of the 1993 feature film version which my daughter was given by her maternal Grandmother a couple of Christmasses ago. Not only has she never watched it, she has been forcibly determined not to, even when either me or my other half has suggested it (if only as a change from an apparent time loop of the Scooby Doo, Harry Potter and Spy Kids films). We haven't of course ever mentioned this blatant dissatisfaction to the grandparent in question, and I think it highly unlikely she's going to come across the fact here (although it's also more than certain that if she does then I will get to hear about it all too loudly).

There may in fact be some kind of subliminal 'warning-off' emitted by "The Secret Garden" as an entity. When I was young there was a six-part adaptation of it on the BBC, which my memory tells me I determinedly didn't watch (and not just because I was trying to spot Ron Moody in some manky old caves on the other channel). I also quite definitely got the book from an Aunt for Christmas that year, with a photograph on the cover from the adaptation. I have never, ever read the book, although I do still have it. Oddly enough even to this day I have an automatic dislike for books that are re-issued with naff photographic covers, which possibly stems from that. (On the other hand, in somewhat unnecessary defence of Francis Hodgson Burnett's work, I daresay it's a lovely book - the same Aunt also bought me "The Wind in the Willows" at another time, so she clearly knew a good book when she saw it.)

So maybe whatever format "The Secret Garden" is in, children won't go near it with a bargepole. Or at least Curnow children - my wife on the other hand seems to quite like it, the film at least, and when even our attempts to coax the littl'un into watching it by pointing out that it starred the now child-friendly Dame Maggie Smith (or, more relevantly to our seven year old, Professor Minerva McGonagall from the Harry Potter films) failed absolutely, Mrs C made her the offer of swapping "The Labyrinth" for "The Secret Garden". Deal accepted, the dusty, unwatched DVDs swapped ownership without a moment's hesitation. As yet Mrs C hasn't made me sit through "The Secret Garden" but I have unfortunately, and on more than one occasion, had to endure... The Labyrinth.

For those who don't know (a happier breed of men and women I'm sure) "The Labyrinth" is another Lucasfilm/Henson co-production from the nineteen-eighties. ("The Dark Crystal" was another, although I couldn't honestly say, and I don't honestly care, which came first.) The plot is fairly simple - spoilt teenage girl gets her baby brother kidnapped by the Goblin King, and has to make her way through his land, including of course a labyrinth (the clue was in the title, and I bet you're kicking yourselves now for having missed it) to rescue said baby.

On a personal note, I actually went to see this cinematic masterp-- No, sorry, I tried but even I have a limit to the amount of exaggerated untruth I'm prepared to write (yes, it is surprising isn't it). I actually went to see this... this film, in the cinema not long after it came out. Like so many other things, the precise details are lost in the mists of time, but definitely four of us went to see it. It was a friend's birthday, and he wanted to take a girl that he had worshipped from afar for quite some time. At the time we had never met her before, but she had been mentioned in conversation so often that her name was legendary... although I've long since forgotten it. Sic Transit Gloria Mundi? No, none of those (and certainly not Gloria). Anyway, to ensure that there wasn't the huge pressure of actually labelling it "A Date" and as a back up in case the conversation started to flag, and also, more pragmatically still, because he needed somebody to drive them to the cinema, the friend invited my brother along, he being a bit older and having by then passed his test. I was also invited, possibly just to make up the numbers, possibly so that if the friend and the legendary girl did hit it off, my brother would have somebody to talk to.

I have long, long since forgotten any real detail from that night - there was never any romance between friend and girl, and to be honest neither brother or I were that struck by her so were probably quietly relieved. But I do remember that the film we all went to see was the just-released "The Labyrinth" starring David Bowie.

Ah yes, David Bowie. Depending on your age, there will be various different reactions to that name. To my daughter of course he will now always be Jareth the Goblin King from this film, with the rest of his career merely a build-up to that hour or so of glory. To others he will be the weird rock dude who sang about Major Tom and Mars. To Toyah Wilcox apparently (at least according to Sky One's Top Ten of Sci-Fi Aliens, in which Bowie's character from "The Man Who Fell to Earth" came in at number 8, gratifyingly behind Doctor Who at number 4) his supreme achievement was that film, playing Thomas Jerome Newton. (Mind you Toyah Wilcox apparently thinks the Cybermen are sexy, and loved smelling her Dalek costume as a girl, so what does she know?) For me personally my first thought on hearing Bowie's name is recalling that he was one half of the mincing duo who inexplicably scored a huge number one hit with "Dancing in the Streets". (Mind you, what I know about popular music can be written on the back of a very small postage stamp in very large print, so what do I know?)

I find it a little hard to exactly pin-point my dissatisfaction with "The Labyrinth" to be honest. Watching it in the cinema I think it was mainly that I was too old for the slightly twee Muppet characters, way too young (and arguably the wrong sex) to be much swayed by David Bowie strutting his allegedly-funky stuff in a pair of rather close-fitting jodhpurs; and hopefully far too nice to have much empathy for the central character, a silly, spoilt teenage girl. (Conversely I think that not-Gloria may have enjoyed the film, for the exact reverse of at least two of those reasons...)

Looking at it now, however, I find its popularity even harder to explain. The Muppet characters are still no match for the likes of Kermit or Gonzo the Great, and the central character is still a spoilt girl, particularly at the start. As for David Bowie, although I may just be reading too much into it, in as far as his character has any motivation at all, it seems to be that he wants (and that's wants in italics, do I need to spell it out?) the (underage - more italics) teenage girl for his Queen. And yes, he does use the phrase "be my slave" at one point...

I don't think it's just me being awkward, either. It really does seem difficult to pinpoint who exactly this film is aimed at - on the one hand it seems clearly set up to be a kids film, what with its population of perky and furry puppet creatures. But on the other hand, and not just in regards to the lecherous Goblin King, there are parts of it which seem intended for a more adult audience. There is a dark and disturbing Cinderella-esque dream sequence, and some suggestion that the film is a 'rite of passage' from childhood to becoming an adult. There's nothing to say that two such separate styles can't meld well into a unified whole (many family films succeed admirably in doing that, so that there are several levels on the go at once - Disney's "Hercules" cartoon, for a start, is a tremendously satisfying film, and I could watch "The Wizard of Oz" from now until I'm seventy and not tire of it) but here I can't help but think that it falls between two stools, so that rather than being all things to all men, it in fact fails to truly please anybody.

The really disappointing thing, though, is that the film should be absolutely outstanding. It's written by Terry (Monty Python) Jones for a start; and it has the brains and talents of Jim (The Muppet Show) Henson and George (I went on and on about his Star Wars films a couple of weeks ago) Lucas behind it. And yet in no element of its production is it really exciting. There's nothing wrong with the visuals, but there's also nothing distinctive about them. The (human) performances aren't bad, but none of them leap off the screen at you and lift the film. It all just seems so... average.

But maybe it is just me. Clearly my daughter, at the very least, thinks it's a good film, and since the next scheduled new DVD for her is the release of "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" in November I fear we may have another month or so of "The Labyrinth" to endure. Even if it disconcerts me, she has no idea of any potentially worrying sexual overtones (or indeed undertones) to King Bowie's overzealous admiration of the juvenile lead, and if any of the towers or turrets of the labyrinth are intended as some kind of Freudian imagery for the young girl's journey into womanhood, well I'm quite sure it has escaped Miss Curnow entirely. To be honest, perhaps I've now unwittingly stumbled across the age that this film is aimed at, which would account for why I didn't enjoy it even when I was a teenager. At my littl'un's age (seven last time I checked) the muppets are fun, the adventure is exciting, but the scary bits aren't too scary, and the leering King is just 'a baddie'.

Well there you go, I appear to have shot down my own argument (don't you just hate it when that happens) and concluded that in fact "The Labyrinth" is a very fine film indeed. As long as you're seven years old. So if I was wrong about that...

I'll have to finish this week's column there. I'm off to start reading "The Secret Garden"...

*It does - in fact I've found two in just the blinking of an eye. They are here: TheChestnut.com and here: The Mausoleum Club. There, don't say I never give you nothing...