Kylie

Not the normal message to ring in the New Year, but I've been thinking quite a lot about Kylie Minogue recently and not for any testosterone-fuelled reason, I might add. In that respect, in fact, Ms M has never really 'done it' for me, although I'm willing to accept that this fact might put me in the minority. When I was doing my A-levels in the late-eighties there was a guy in my Maths class who really was obsessed with little Kylie; to be honest it was only the several thousand miles between continents that prevented him from becoming obsessed with her at a stalker level. But I'm afraid I could never quite see what it was that he (and indeed Scott Robinson, the boy next door) saw in the gawky, skinny, bepermed figure of the young Kylie Minogue - in "Neighbours" terms her contemporary 'Plain Jane Superbrain' was, for my money at least, by far the more attractive. But despite that, I can now barely remember that character's name (was Jane's surname Harris?) and can't recall the name of the actress at all. And yet Kylie is still very much with us.

But, nostalgia aside, the reason Ms Minogue has been in my thoughts recently (and really, I just can't get her out of my head - pause for laughter. Long pause methinks...) is because my daughter is now the beamingly-proud owner of a Kylie Minogue double CD. Until recently, the only CD in my daughter's collection was Gold, aka Steps' Greatest Hits, which thus received an inordinate amount of airtime chez Curnow. Now personally I don't mind Steps; in fact I view them as almost akin to my beloved ABBA, but with an extra bod. My wife on the other hand is, well, not so keen, viewing them more as a tragedy better best forgotten (I shan't even bother with the pause this time). Consequently, when the 'reward' for taking part in a recent on-line survey was a free CD, my other half opted for Kylie's Greatest Hits, as a present (not to mention a lure away from Steps) for our daughter.

The wise amongst you (recalling perhaps my tales of woe when our offspring became obsessed with watching "The Aristocats" over and over again) can probably see where this is going. Yes indeed - Steps haven't had a look in for the past few weeks, but instead we have been subjected to Kylie morning, noon & night (well, not quite but you get the idea). I expected our daughter to at least reach her teens before we had to start shouting up the stairs for her to 'turn that racket down'; to be doing it when she's not yet seven is quite alarming.

Actually, I'm probably exaggerating (well, slightly). The Kylie CD isn't that bad. Its full title is "Kylie Greatest Hits 87-92" which is quite impressive really. To have so many greatest hits (if that's not a contradiction in terms) that you can compile more than twenty out of a mere five years isn't to be sniffed at. Mind you, the cover of the CD appears to show the sun actually shining out of Kylie's behind, which I feel may be over-stating the case a little. All the usual suspects are included of course, and although I was never a particular follower of the pop scene in the eighties and nineties (any more than I am now, in whatever decade this is) I nevertheless recognise most, if not all, of the songs. And, to be quite honest, most of them have stood the test of time pretty well. As well as Kylie herself anyway. So although the only thing that makes me smile about "The Loco Motion" is that my daughter swears the lyrics are "Doing the Rain Dance" (?) I will readily admit that "Hand on Your Heart" and "Je Ne Sais Pas Pouquoi" are really quite catchy. (And I speak as somebody who inadvertently finds himself humming the former in public.) Coincidentally, given the above Steps reference, the CD has reminded us that "Better the Devil You Know" was originally a Kylie number, subsequently covered by Steps - if that doesn't give Kylie a certain gravitas I don't know what does.

Even more curiously, and which utterly baffled my wee girl when I pointed it out to her, the second CD features the name Curnow on it!!! Calm yourselves, please, before I'm inundated with requests for tickets, backstage passes or autographed hot-pants. The second CD is all remixes (which seems to mean the original version with a longer introduction and a more irritating drummer) two of which are described as being by 'Harding/Curnow'. It has to be said Curnow isn't the most common of names, certainly not with that particular spelling - the only other time I've encountered it (other than in family circles, obviously) was in the novel "2010" where there is a character called Walter Curnow. I can't now recall which side he was on (American or Russian - I'm fairly sure he wasn't Cornish anyway) but I do remember being somewhat irked that in the film version they mispronounced it. The last syllable should be pronounced as in 'know', and not as in 'now' which is what they did in the film. Mind you, considering how wretchedly dull a film "2010" is, the pronunciation of a minor character's surname is probably the least of its problems.

Delving into the almost novel-length CD booklet it turns out that the Curnow in question is one Ian Curnow, who I don't know and who I'm pretty certain I'm not (at least in any immediate or noticeable way) related to. Not that he isn't a lovely chap (I'm sure he's perfectly super) but unfortunately the potentially exciting 'link to the stars' anecdote falters to a shuddering halt there. Ah well - maybe one day I can regale you with my years of sharing an office with Ted Moult's hairdresser...

So back to the point. Well, to be frank, there isn't one really is there. If this column could be said to have a purpose (a claim which would, frankly, be stretching it a little) then it is simply to share (or inflict, take your pick) my thoughts and observations borne from having, and having been, a child. This week, my daughter's inspiration has pointed me in the direction of Kylie Minogue, so if there isn't any real point to be made then blame her! Having said that, it is perhaps comforting to think that a figure so quintessentially eighties (certainly on this CD) as Kylie can still be cool with my little twenty-first century girl. If my daughter can think Kylie is cool, then maybe there's hope for her opinion of me yet!

I remain more or less unmoved by Kylie I'm afraid - the songs are good, some really very good (although I'm curious as to why parts of "Step Back in Time" sound like the theme to "Inch High Private Eye") but she still doesn't really 'do it' for me (but then why should she, poor thing, she's probably very busy). But you do have to hand it to her - she may have started off ostensibly releasing a single on the back of her soap career, and you could easily have been forgiven back then for thinking that she would be just another ex-soap one-hit wonder. After all, 16 years on we all know what Kylie's doing don't we, and to a greater or lesser extent, we all care. Compare that with Plain Jane Superbrain played by, erm... Or the more high-profile (back then at least) Jason Donovan, who seems to have disappeared off the face of the Earth these days. What are either of them up to now? For that matter, my mathematical college friend, what became of him? Whatever else, I'm fairly sure he never succeeded in getting a date with Kylie Minogue.

Hah! He should be so lucky!