"Sean's Got Some Sauce" – Episode 8: The Enclosed Space

This episode started life as a short 5 minute audio sketch I did a few years ago, entitled "The Man who got Trapped in his Cupboard". In it, a man got trapped in his cupboard. It was recorded, by me, and nobody every listened to it, which was just as well because it was rubbish.

I decided to return to the idea and enhance it as a Sean script. Whether it’s any better now is a matter of opinion. In fact, the story takes an age to actually get Sean into the cupboard. But I can’t be asked to alter it now – this is nostalgia after all. Well, nostalgia for my writing. Which is good enough for you, you blasted commoners.

I want more money.




SCENE 1: Sean's house, exterior

Amy slinks up to the door, and knocks. The door isn't closed properly, and so swings open. She steps in, and finds a note taped to the wall. She reads it.

"I'M WAITING FOR IT UPSTAIRS."

Raising an eyebrow, she approaches the staircase with trepidation.

AMY: Hmmm... I think I'll chance it.

She hops upstairs.




SCENE 2: Landing

Amy steps off the stairs onto the landing, and wonders which room to walk into.

SEAN v/o: Hello? I'm in the bedroom. Everything's ready this end.

Amy's eyes widen. She looks downstairs, back towards the note, and then stares at the bedroom door. Breathing deeply, she steps into the room.




SCENE 3: Bedroom

Sean is standing upright, hands on hips, staring at a section of the floor which has a large, square shaped indent in the carpet. Amy pokes her head round the door.

AMY: Hello?

SEAN: Hi, if you just bring it here - oh, hi Ame. Sorry, thought you might be a deliveryman. Getting a new wardrobe.

AMY: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So that note downstairs was for him?

SEAN: Yes.

AMY: That clears up a whole lot of things in my head.

SEAN: Well, whatever it is you're babbling about, it'll have to wait.

Amy sticks her tongue out at Sean behind his back and sidles up to him.

AMY: Why you getting a new wardrobe, Seany?

SEAN: Seany?... Because the old one was, as the professionals call it, a complete write-orff. I bought the thing second hand at a furniture sale about 3 years ago. It was falling apart then! Wood rotting, bottom fallen out, doors only just managed to stay connected to the rest of it. Whenever there was a breeze the doors used to hit the wall. Banging for hours, they were. I couldn't sleep at night.

AMY: I get in those situations sometimes.

She smiles and raises an eyebrow.

SEAN: Yes, well I got tired of it and slung the thing out. Should be getting the new one today.

Amy puts her bag on the floor and sits on the edge of the bed.

AMY: Anything else equally exciting happening in the near future?

SEAN: Not really. Might go down the shops later-

AMY: Yes?

SEAN: I need to pick up some groceries, y'see?

AMY: Really?

She puts on an exaggerated act of being terribly interested.

SEAN: Cereal, bread, cake, crisps, meat, butter, that sort of thing.

AMY: And then?

SEAN: I might pop into the bank and draw some money.

AMY: Oooo!

SEAN: And then-

AMY: Yes?

SEAN: - on the way home -

AMY: Mmm?

SEAN: - after I've got the shopping -

AMY: YES?

SEAN: - I might pop into a newsagents -

AMY: GO ON!

SEAN: - and get myself a newspaper.

AMY: GOAL!!!!!!!!

She flings herself backwards onto the bed.

AMY: Good God, what an exciting life you lead. I think I'm in need of a quick cigarette.

SEAN: I wouldn't lie on that if I were you. There's a dodgy spring somewhere that strikes when you least suspect it.

AMY: You old romantic.

She rolls over, off the bed, and falls gracefully to the floor.

AMY: Ow.

A man calls from downstairs.

MAN v/o: MR. BRADY?

SEAN: Ah, that'll be the delivery guy now. Be back in a moment.

He walks out of the room. Amy gradually gets up, rubbing her back. She absently looks out of the window, and wanders round the room, clapping her hands whilst whistling. The grunts of exertion from Sean and two deliverymen can be heard as they take the wardrobe up the stairs. Amy takes a look out of the door, and then goes and stands by the window, out of their way. One man walks in, holding one end of the wardrobe. As he edges his way in, the other deliveryman can be seen holding the middle of the wardrobe. They walk some more steps, and carry the wardrobe inside the room. Sean is standing at the back, hands in pockets, making various exertive sounds.

SEAN: Oooo! Ah! Easy does it. Ah! Round about... there... yep... urggh!

He grins at Amy, who returns the smile. The two deliverymen place the wardrobe in the middle of the room.

MAN: Right, there you are mate.

SEAN: Cheers. How much was it for delivery?

MAN: $35.

SEAN: Here you go.

MAN: Right. See you later. We'll shut the door on the way out.

The two deliverymen leave.

SEAN: Well, there it is. Not bad for the price I paid for it.

AMY: Yup, it looks OK. Got the documentation for it?

SEAN: I have indeed. In fact, I'm holding it now. "Maxi-Security Wardrobe." What an exciting and exhilarating name. Makes me want to rush out and buy another one, that does.

AMY: Well, as long as it does what it says on the tin...

SEAN: Yup. I think I'll have a quick look inside.

Sean walks up to the wardrobe and opens it. He takes a look, steps in, and closes the doors behind him.

SEAN: (voice muffled) Hmm... hmmm... yes, this should do nicely. Fairly spacious. I can fit in it at least, so I should be able to get quite a bit in here... Floor's good, no problem there... Yup. It's all decent.

The doors rattle, several times. First softly, and then quite violently.

AMY: Sean, what the Hell are you doing?

SEAN: The doors are stuck!

He keeps trying to open the doors.

SEAN: I can't get them open! You have a go.

Amy sighs and pulls on the doors. Realising that they really are stuck, she pulls harder. She braces herself by clamping one foot on the left door and pulling the handle on the right. After a few attempts, she gives up, and leans against the wardrobe gasping for breath.

SEAN: Well?

AMY: It's no good. Stuck tight.

SEAN: What dya' mean, "stuck tight"???

AMY: I mean I can't open the doors, you moron.

SEAN: How am I supposed to get out?

AMY: How should I know?

SEAN: I know! Read the instructions! Maybe it has some sort of FAQ section.

AMY: Who the Hell types up a "frequently asked questions" document for a wardrobe?

SEAN: I don't know!

AMY: I don't think they expect someone to lock themselves in their wardrobe.

SEAN: Well, read through the documentation. Maybe there's SOMETHING. Some tiny snippet of helpful information.

AMY: Um... where's the documentation?

SEAN: What?

AMY: I can't see it anywhere about here.

SEAN: Well find it!

AMY: Helpful advice indeed. And I still can't find it.

SEAN: BUT IT SHOULD BE THERE! WHY ISN'T IT THERE! WE NEED TO- oh, I've got it.

AMY: Well done. What does it say?

SEAN: Well, the people who made this wardrobe neglected to give it interior lighting. In short, I can't see a bloody thing.

AMY: Well, can't you... hang on, this wardrobe has a lock on it.

SEAN: Oh yes, let's secure the wardrobe and make doubly sure Sean doesn't have a hope in Hell of getting out! Well done!

AMY: This wardrobe is called the "Maxi-Security Wardrobe". Maybe that's one of it's features? An automatic locking feature.

SEAN: How can a wardrobe lock itself? A key can't be automatically turned!

AMY: Well, maybe it has some latches?

SEAN: Hmm... I'll have a feel around... Ah! Yes! There's one at the top, and one at the bottom... Ah.

AMY: What?

SEAN: No handles. And there's a bar that runs down the entire length of the doors... you were right. The door closes, and the latches lock themselves. The doors are then opened by inserting and turning the key, so that the latches unlock. Excellent.

AMY: Is it? Why?

SEAN: Well it means that you can just stick the key in and get me out.

AMY: I don't have a key.

SEAN: Yes you do.

AMY: Um, why would I have the key?

SEAN: Because I don't have it. And the wardrobe should come with one.

AMY: Well, did you get given a small bag with the wardrobe, containing papers and small metal things?

SEAN: Yes! Yes I did! I put it on the table.

AMY: Right, I'll look... hmmm... yes! Got it!

SEAN: The key?

AMY: Yes.

SEAN: Good girl! Then get me out!

AMY: You'll be out in two shakes of a man's ... hmm. Lock's a bit rusty...

SEAN: Well, these things are made to last! You've got to give it a good twisting!

AMY: I'm trying! It... it won't budge. Turns a few degrees and doesn't do anymore.

SEAN: Try harder!

AMY: Well done, brainiac, I'd have never have thought of that... grrr... No, it's no good. I'd break me arm trying to get it open.

SEAN: Well what can we do?

AMY: I don't know.

SEAN: Couldn't you pick the lock?

AMY: Me?

SEAN: Well, you used to be a con-woman. Surely you learnt a few basic tricks?

AMY: What's being a swindler got to do with breaking and entry?

SEAN: Well, could you do it?

AMY: Probably.

SEAN: Well go on!

AMY: Go on?

SEAN: Pick the lock!

AMY: What with?

SEAN: A hair pin, or something!

AMY: I don't have one. Do you?

SEAN: Well, yes as it happens.

AMY: Pass it to me then.

SEAN: Oh yes, I'll open the door and give you the pin - poltroon!

AMY: Can't you slide it through a gap or something? Cracks between the doors and the floor of the wardrobe?

SEAN: There aren't any cracks, it's airtight!... Airtight?.. HOW AM I GOING TO BREATHE?

AMY: You can't suffocate in a wardrobe!

SEAN: I can suffocate anywhere I want!

AMY: Oh for God's sake, get a hold of yourself.

SEAN: I'm getting fainter, fainter... I can see the blackness rushing in... another few minutes and I'll be gone!

AMY: Oh good, I won't have to bother trying to open this damn wardrobe.

SEAN: I can feel something tugging me, tugging me...

AMY: Oh shut up. This wardrobe isn't airtight. There are holes in the back, for a start.

SEAN: I'm saved! Saved! I knew I was too young to go yet! I knew - holes in the back?

AMY: Yes.

SEAN: I'm not having a wardrobe riddled with holes! This is supposed to be top quality furniture, mate!

AMY: Hey, maybe you can pass me the pin through the holes?

SEAN: Pass you the what?

AMY: The hair pin! So I can try and force the lock.

SEAN: Oh yes, good idea. Now, if I can just turn round... ungh... grrr... yes. Right. Here you go.

AMY: Ta. Now, I'll have a go, but I can't promise anything. Right... gah!

SEAN: What?

AMY: I can't get the key out! It's stuck!

SEAN: I'm going to die.

AMY: No you're not... I know, I'll just have to go and get someone to help. Don't go anywhere!

SEAN: HA HA HA! Bloody hilarious.

Amy starts to walk off.

SEAN: Wait... NO! AMY! AMY!

AMY: What?

SEAN: You can't go and get someone!

AMY: Why not?

SEAN: Because it'd be profoundly embarrassing, that's why! "Excuse me sir, can you please help me? My friend locked himself in his wardrobe and we can't get him out!" Imagine the scandal. I'd be all over the papers, if I ever got out.

AMY: Well we can't do anything as we are!

SEAN: We've got to do something!

AMY: Look: There's nothing I can do. I've tried the key, and it won't work. I...

She frowns, and twists the key. The doors open. Sean looks about him in amazement.

SEAN: Wha-what did you do?

AMY: Well erm... Heh. I turned the key the other way.

Sean looks at her for several moments. His face goes through several conflicting emotions, but finalises on a smile. He begins laughing.

SEAN: Amy, I love you!

He walks to her, arms outstretched, and they hug. Suddenly he cries out in pain, and jumps backwards. Her limbs locked with Sean's, Amy is yanked forwards with him, and they crash into the wardrobe interior. Their combined weight makes the wardrobe fall backwards, and it hits the wall, standing at a diagonal angle. The doors are still wide open, however.

AMY: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

SEAN: YOU STUCK THE PIN INTO MY SHOULDER, THAT'S WHY!!!

AMY: OH FOR... look, the doors haven't closed, so we're fine. We just need to climb out, sensibly, and we'll be fine.

She nervously feels around the edge of the wardrobe bottom, and begins to step out. Sean's weight on the back prevents the wardrobe from tipping over, and Amy climbs out safely. She turns back to Sean and smiles.

AMY: See? Always trust a woman to get the job done. Now...

Amy grabs the top of both doors and, angling her body, pulls the wardrobe, in the hope of putting it back upright.

AMY: Sean, you'll have to move forward to counterbalance the weight of the thing, so i can actually move it. But don't move too fast, or it'll tip over.

SEAN: Right...

He edges forward as Amy pulls on the wardrobe.

AMY: I think I'm... woah... Almost went there-woah! WOAH!

She stops pulling it, but the damage is already done. An uneven distribution of weight makes the wardrobe topple forwards. Sean falls into Amy and they both hit the floor. The open wardrobe falls down over them, encasing them between it and the floor. Dust settles, and a few moments of silence pass. Then, her voice muffled, Amy speaks.

AMY: F**k.

SEAN: (Voice similarly muffled) I'd clap, but I haven't the room to.

AMY: Would you mind moving? You're very heavy, and you're squashing my - ow!

SEAN: There's no room to move!

AMY: Well, I'll wriggle to the right, and you wriggle to the left.

SEAN: Fine. Um... gasp... ARGHHH! DON'T-MOVE-DON'T-MOVE-DON'T-MOVE!

AMY: What?

SEAN: You've got your left leg in an area that can do me a great deal of damage!

AMY: Oh, balls!

SEAN: Yes, yes, exact-ARGHHHHHHHHH!

AMY: Hee hee hee.

SEAN: Well, now we're both trapped in a wardrobe. Hardy har har.

AMY: You bloody idiot.

SEAN: What?

AMY: This is all your fault!

SEAN: My fault! You were pulling the damn wardrobe!

AMY: It was your big fat weight that knocked it flying!

SEAN: You were yanking it too hard!

AMY: WELL IF YOU WERE NORMAL ENOUGH NOT TO GET TRAPPED IN IT IN THE FIRST PLACE-

SEAN: IF YOU HADN'T STABBED ME WITH A BLOODY NEEDLE...

They're arguments cease. A few moments of silence pass.

AMY: You still got the instructions?

DAVID: Oh ho ho, those two! Is there any situation they can’t get into? Hilarious! Well, that’s all we’ve got time for on today’s episode, but we’ll see you around next time! Goodbye!


THE END