"Sean’s Got Some Sauce!" – Episode 6: Sean’s Grenade

by "Big Dave"

A completely nonsensical title for this episode, created when I couldn’t think of a halfway decent one that related to the plot of the episode. This episode is somewhat shorter than the others, for no real reason at all.

I generally phased out most running jokes by this stage in the series, deciding that the episodes didn’t really benefit from them. In the intro for the last episode, I mentioned how the "You’ve got some sauce!" tagline was dropped (this episode has a version of it, but episode 5 had it’s last bona fide airing). Other jokes and scenarios thrown away at various points include the using of "Dolt," as a half-hearted insult, which was followed by twee audience laughter (from memory, this running gag lasted three episodes maximum), and mentioning of Sean going off to buy/read a comic "as is his want/wont" at the beginning of episodes (a very sly dig at Sean himself, that lasted only a couple of episodes also). The using of various comedy personalities was kept, though not made a constant factor – if I felt like having Sean meet Frankie Howerd or Ernie Wise, I did, but it wasn’t a requirement that Sean had to meet someone of that nature in every episode.

This episode features an attempt at doing something slightly different, which afterwards I felt to be a failed experiment. The German double act later in the episode worked in a way (I and others felt that the dialogue they had in itself was quite good), and I toyed with the idea of giving them return appearances. However, they somewhat overshadow Sean and Amy in this episode, which took something away form my principle characters. Also, every comedy series has comedy Germans appearing at some point, and I felt the idea had run its course. The main point however was that I didn’t think they were very funny, and the enforced accents became wearing after a while.

This episode is written, for no real reason at all, as a radio comedy. Therefore, sound effects are mentioned rather than physical actions. The main nod to it though are the end credits, which are a homage to the closing announcements of "Hancock’s Half Hour".

SCENE 1: Sean's greenhouse

SEAN: Ah, smell that air!

AMY: Yes, it's rather nice.

SEAN: It's the high bombardment of positive ions.

AMY: And this air conditioner.

SEAN: Yes. That goes without saying.

AMY: Sorry, already said it.

SEAN: Eh?

AMY: Eh?

Pause.

SEAN: Yes, this is marvellous.

AMY: How long have you had this greenhouse?

SEAN: Eighteen years. I bought it fairly cheap, from a guy who didn't realise how good it was. I mean, feel that glass... top quality, mate.

AMY: Mmm. Very good.

SEAN: I've spent many a day here, pottering about.

AMY: That so?

SEAN: I kissed my first girlfriend here. Patricia Roberts... we were both 19, young, happy, adventurous... We came here to play a game of conkers. She won. In the heat of the moment, I kissed her. POW! Smack on the lips... why she hit me so hard I'll never know...

AMY: Cherchez la femme.

SEAN: I'll consider it. Yes, a great greenhouse, this.

AMY: Hmmmm... when are you going to get some plants to put in it?

SEAN: I don't know. Of course, with the income tax going up I haven't had much money for luxuries, like food.

AMY: You poor devil. Here, have a carrot.

SEAN: Thank you.

AMY: Well, if you got the right plants, you could grow your own food here.

SEAN: Lasagne?

AMY: Probably not, no. You bloody idiot!

SEAN: How did you find out?

AMY: You could grow tomatoes, beans, peas, apples...

SEAN: I could have a salad!

AMY: That's right.

SEAN:... Every day.

AMY: Indeed.

SEAN: Wouldn't that get rather dull?

AMY: Probably. But it's better than eating bookbindings every night.

SEAN: I've run out. I'm onto newspaper headlines now.

AMY: Anything tasty?

SEAN: No, I can't afford broadsheets.

AMY: Well, why not give the home grown stuff a try?

SEAN: Surely I'd need money to buy tools and seeds and fertiliser and things?

AMY: Don't worry about that! I've got all the stuff you need under this glove!

SEAN: Good grief, you're right! How did you fit all this under here?

AMY: With great difficulty.

SEAN: Tomato seeds, a pitchfork, sixteen tonnes of fertiliser - OOO! A trowel!

AMY: Um, yes.

SEAN: I've always wanted one of these!!!

AMY: It's yours anyway. I took it from your shed.

SEAN: Oh.

AMY: Here. Have a gnome. On the house.

SEAN: Aww, gee. Shucks, good golly, gee-whiz.

AMY: I know just how you feel.

SEAN: Get your hands off.

AMY: Sorry.

SEAN: It's not decent!

AMY: Yes, you're right.

SEAN: I mean, I shouldn't be lying on this sofa with you really. Anyway, I think I'll get on with some planting.

AMY: Yeah, I'm off for a while. Got a few things to do, shipments to smuggle, that sort of thing. Getting my hair done, too.

SEAN: Oh really?

AMY: Yes, I'm getting it dyed to purple.

SEAN: It is purple.

AMY: Oh yes. Huh. Well, thanks, you just saved me from wasting some time.

SEAN: No problem. Well, see you later!

AMY: Bye!

SEAN: Now, what shall I do first... let's take a look at these shears... hmmm... yes... I see... I've just cut my leg off.

SOUND FX of ambulance sirens.



SCENE 2: Hospital

SEAN: What is it, doctor?

DOCTOR: A leg.

Sound FX of ambulance sirens going off to a better hospital.




SCENE 3: A better hospital

SEAN: What is it, doctor?

NURSE: Oh, nothing serious.

SEAN: Blimey, you're a nurse!

NURSE: Yes, I know I am.

SEAN: Sorry, I thought you were a man.

NURSE: How nice of you.

SEAN: Yes, a bit silly really. I mean, you've got tits and everything-

NURSE: *COUGH* Yes yes, now, please, lie down and let me examine you.

SEAN: Ow! This bed isn't very comfortable!

NURSE: That's because you're lying on a table.

SEAN: Eh? Oh yes. I'll lie here instead.

NURSE: Yes, that'd be better for you... Hmmm... yes, I'm afraid you've cut your leg off.

SEAN: I know. It's agony.

NURSE: No worries. i think I can stitch it back on.

SEAN: Oh good! Please, hurry!

NURSE: OK... *begins whistling*... This your first time?

SEAN: Yes.

NURSE: *Continues whistling*... There! Finished!

SEAN: Excellent!

NURSE: It was a new arm you wanted wasn't it?

SEAN: NO!

NURSE: Bugger. Sorry, a leg looks like an arm to me. I'm colour blind.

SEAN: Look, get rid of this third arm and put my leg back on!

NURSE: Yes, yes, stop getting in such a state... there. All fixed.

SEAN: Thank you. How much?

NURSE: Completely.

SEAN: No, how much do I owe? As payment?

NURSE: $45.

SEAN: Here's $40 and I want change.

NURSE: OK... there. Nice doing business with you, sir!




SCENE 4: Greenhouse

SEAN: There! My first tomato plant!

AMY: Well done. Except you're supposed to put the seeds in some soil first.

SEAN: Blast!

AMY: Better luck next time.

SEAN: Still, I'm on my way!




SCENE 5: U boat

V/O: Meanwhile, in one of her majesty's U boats...

Sound FX of radar beeping can be heard. Some people in ridiculous German accents are conversing.

GERMAN OFFICER 1: Ve haff found it, herr General!

GERMAN OFFICER 2: Top notch! Prepare to fire zat missile!

GERMAN OFFICER 1: Vot? I thought ve vere supposed to capture it?

GERMAN OFFICER 2: ARGHHHH! Yes, you are right. VHY ARE YOU ALWAYS RIGHT??? I'M SO JEALOUS OF YOU!

GERMAN OFFICER 1: I am sorry, herr General.

GERMAN OFFICER 2: My wife fancies you, y'know?

GERMAN OFFICER 1: I know. Ve have been having an affair for a few months now.

GERMAN OFFICER 2: Vot???

GERMAN OFFICER 1: Oh, I thought you knew.

GERMAN OFFICER 2: No, I did not!

GERMAN OFFICER 1: Ooops.

GERMAN OFFICER 2: Svinehunt!

GERMAN OFFICER 1: Oh be quiet. You know that doesn't actually mean anything!

GERMAN OFFICER 2: I know... I'm so useless. *He sobs*

GERMAN OFFICER 1: There there, herr General.

GERMAN OFFICER 2: I'm - I'm all right. It's just sometimes, y' know?-

GERMAN OFFICER 1: Yes, I understand.

GERMAN OFFICER 2: *Sniff*

GERMAN OFFICER 1: Here, have a handkerchief.

GERMAN OFFICER 2: Thank you... *Blows nose*... Right. Prepare to attack.




SCENE 6: Greenhouse

SEAN: Can you hear anything?

AMY: Yes.

SEAN: Really? What?

AMY: Wait a minute... no. No, sorry, I can't.

SEAN: I can hear a whirring... it's getting louder...

AMY: I thought that was just your bowtie whizzing round?

SEAN: No, I've fitted the silencer. That noise is definitely getting louder.

SOUND FX of glass smashing.

SEAN: Jaysus Chroist! A bloody U boat!

AMY: Propelling itself through the air?

SEAN: How the hell did it get here... no, wait a minute. I've got a pond! The devious swines...

SOUND FX of hatch opening.

GERMAN OFFICER 1: Put your hands above your heads!

AMY: And what if we refuse?

GERMAN OFFICER 1: Then ve vill haff you shot!

SEAN: Oh come now.

SOUND FX of gun firing.




SCENE 7: Hospital

SEAN: What is it, doctor - hang on, I've been here before.

SOUND FX of ambulance sirens.




SCENE 8: Greenhouse

AMY: Back from the hospitals?

SEAN: Yup. She extracted a foot this time.

AMY: Well I've always said you're one foot short of a leg! *Giggles*

SEAN: Eh? What the hell does that mean?

AMY: Hmm? Oh. Wait, that wasn't a joke, was it?

SEAN: I don't think so. Are you drunk?

AMY: Very.

SEAN: Yessss... anyway, have the Germans gone?

AMY: No. You've been standing on one's feet for the past 2 minutes.

SEAN: OH! Oh, hahaha. Hello!

GERMAN OFFICER 2: My feet hurt.

GERMAN OFFICER 1: I vill get some cream for zem.

GERMAN OFFICER 2: I bet things like this don't happen to you.

GERMAN OFFICER 1: No, they do not, herr General.

GERMAN OFFICER 2: You are beink bloody perfect!

GERMAN OFFICER 1: It's not my fault.

GERMAN OFFICER 2: Yes, I know. I'm sorry I shouted at you.

GERMAN OFFICER 1: That is OK, herr General. Here's a tomato for no hard feelings.

SEAN: Hey! That's my tomato!

GERMAN OFFICER 2: You are now trying to fob me off vith other people's vegetables!

SEAN: Don't tell 'im, Pike!

GERMAN OFFICER 2: Vot?

SEAN: What? Sorry, forgot where I was...

GERMAN OFFICER 2: I am verrrry disappointed vith you, German officer vun!

GERMAN OFFICER 1: I am sorry, herr General.

SEAN: Would it be too nasty as to ask you to leave?

GERMAN OFFICER 2: Yes. Ve vant to camp here in zis greenhouse until ze end of ze year.

SEAN: But that's one year away!

GERMAN OFFICER 2: Indeed. Ve require stoves!!!

SEAN: Oh...*sighs*

"Passing time" music plays.





SCENE 9: Garden

SEAN: Look at them, sitting there, eating my vegetables.

AMY: Sean, you've been sitting here for three days now. You're beginning to get obsessed.

SEAN: Well it's not fair. I want my greenhouse!

AMY: Well there's nothing you can do.

SEAN: I know. I'd give anything for my greenhouse back.

AMY: Really? I think I can help you. Wait here.

SEAN: Eh? What are you doing? Amy! Come back!... Oh dear. This means trouble, I know it does. It's my life and that's the way it is.

AMY: We've reached an agreement.

GERMAN OFFICER 2: Go and search ze new area.

GERMAN OFFICER 1: Yes, herr General.

SEAN: Wha - what are you doing?

AMY: They've vacated the greenhouse. It's yours again.

SEAN: Oh. Good.

AMY: In return, they're staying in the kitchen.

SEAN: What???

AMY: They're going to live in the kitchen until the end of the year.

SEAN: Now look here-

AMY: I thought it was a fair swap.

GERMAN OFFICER 1: Herr General! Look vot I haff found in the kitchen! Sean's got some sauce!

GERMAN OFFICER 2: Zis is excellent news!

SEAN: Oh, I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

SOUND FX of door slamming.

V/O: This has been "Sean's Got Some Sauce", starring the lad himself with Amy Persephone, Bill Kerr, June Whitfield, Peter Cook and Kenneth Williams. The theme and incidental music was composed and conducted by Ron Grainer. The show was written by David Barnes and Alan Simpson, and the program which was recorded was produced by Dennis Main-Wilson!


THE END