"Sean’s Got Some Sauce!" – Episode 5: Why didn’t the Sean cross the road?

by David Barnes

Hello again, and welcome to more thoroughly decent fun and frolics with Sean Brady and Amy Persephone – my word, what a pair. And of course I’m referring to the double act.

In this episode I stray slightly from the sitcom roots to one of the more surreal plots of my writing genesis. The whole plot hinges on Sean trying to cross a road and yet not being able to – hilarious. No, really, this one was actually fairly popular – three out of every three people said this episode was fantastic (so that’s five great reviews there). However, the, by now fully worked out, team of Sean and Amy drags the plot kicking and screaming into some sense of normality.

Of a partly interesting note is that this is the last episode to incorporate the standard "You’ve got some sauce!" finishing line in it’s standard form (it crops up again in the next episode, but in a slightly different way). Originally it was a dig at the old fashioned sitcoms that used to mention their title in every episode completely out of the blue, and would end their episodes with a completely unfunny tagline and uproarious laughter. However, even I grew bored of using the line, and found that I was running out of ways to successfully include the line. Also, Sean’s character had developed by now, to the extent that he wasn’t saucy at all – all of the more suspect dialogue was transferred to Amy, with Sean as a more conventional straight man where sexual jokes were concerned.

Also, though I sometimes get tired of people labelling my humour as "Pythonesque", I gave in for this episode (and this episode only) but including a typical Michael Palin caricature. If you’d like to register a complaint about this, then… don't.

SCENE 1: Street

Sean is strolling down a street, hands in pockets. He looks over the road, and stops.

SEAN: Christ! An old fashioned bakery! With cakes, and bread and things. Smashing!

He goes to walk across the road, but stops. He looks both ways before crossing the street.

SEAN: I know my highway code!

He steps out and gets gradually nudged over by a milk float.

SEAN: Bloody hell! I didn't realise that milk float was travelling so slowly! I could have been severely injured!

MILKMAN: Ooops. Sorry about that! I'm a new boy around here, you see. I'm used to being a safety hazard, so it's difficult for me to settle into this new job.

SEAN: Surely a milk float is one of the safest vehicles in the world?

MILKMAN: It's the safest, aside from sunken ships, because they don't move.

SEAN: I suppose they don't.

MILKMAN: Fancy a pint?

SEAN: Don't mind if I do.

MILKMAN: Semi-skimmed?

SEAN: Yes please.

MILKMAN: Oh. Sorry, I'm out of that.

SEAN: You sure?

MILKMAN: Yup. In fact, I'm out of milk. All I can offer you is this apple.

SEAN: An apple?

MILKMAN: Yes.

He gingerly takes an apple from his pocket.

MILKMAN: Behold. Behold, the sprouted fruit of the harvest!

SEAN: Erm... yes. Look, I really need to cross this road, so could you please move your milk float?

MILKMAN: OK, sure. It's been nice speaking to you.

SEAN: And you.

MILKMAN: Bye!

SEAN: Bye.

The milk float moves on. Sean looks both ways, and begins to cross the road again. A chicken walks into him coming the opposite direction, and they both fall.

CHICKEN: ARGHHH! What the hell? Oh, for Pete's sake. I knew I shouldn't have bothered. All these people saying "What *DOES* happen when a chicken crosses a road?" I shouldn't have listened, I should have ignored it, but no. I had to see why. And then this happens. I just don't need this right now. I really, really don't. I'm... I'm going away to cry.

The chicken walks away, distraught. Sean looks guilty, but attempts to walk across the road regardless.

BLOKE: You don't want to be doing that, son.

SEAN: What?

BLOKE: Walking across a road? A bit dodgy, a bit dangerous, eh?

SEAN: Well, not really.

BLOKE: Oh, I see you are a man made of harder stuff, but I still don't think you know the full implications of walking across this road.

SEAN: I think I do.

BLOKE: Oh no you don't.

SEAN: Oh yes I do.

BLOKE: Oh no you don't.

SEAN: Oh yes I do.

BLOKE: He's behind you!

SEAN: What?

The bloke waves his arms around, smiling.

SEAN: Look, what the hell are you doing here?

BLOKE: Heebly heebly!

SEAN: Fine. I'll go.

Sean wanders a few metres down the street, and goes to cross the road. A policeman, played by Michael Palin, grabs him.

POLICEMAN: Ah, I've got one!

SEAN: Well I don't want it!

POLICEMAN: Ho ho! You're nicked, son!

SEAN: Eh? What have I done?

POLICEMAN: As if you didn't know!

SEAN: I demand to know why I've warranted legal attention!

POLICEMAN: Oooo! Oooo, don't we talk posh? Listen here, you posh talking, snot dribbling scumbag, I'm taking you down to the station!

SEAN: You can't talk like that to me!

POLICEMAN: I just did. What are you going to do about it? Eh? Eh?

SEAN: I'll call the police!

POLICEMAN: HAW HAW HAW!

SEAN: Alright, I know how silly that sounded.

POLICEMAN: HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!

SEAN: Look, shut up you drunken bastard!

POLICEMAN: Oh, abusing a police officer, eh? You'll go in for 20 years!

Sean squares up to the policeman and pokes him.

SEAN: Now listen here-

POLICEMAN: OH! Oh, I see! Assaulting a officer during the course of his duties!

SEAN: What? I did no such thing!

POLICEMAN: Yes you did! Big bruises I've got now! And I have all these nice people to prove it!

SEAN: This is all-

POLICEMAN: HELP! HELP! I'M BEING ASSAULTED!

SEAN: Shush! Be quiet!

POLICEMAN: ASSISTANCE NEEDED!

SEAN: All I want to know is why are you arresting me?

POLICEMAN: Disturbance of the peace.

SEAN: By doing what?

POLICEMAN: Erm... er........ walking.

SEAN: Walking?

POLICEMAN: Yes, walking. Walking without a permit. Do you have a permit for walking?

SEAN: Well, no, I-

POLICEMAN: OH! Ah ha, yes, I see it all now! Trying to get away with walking without a permit! 30 years in jail you can get for that, and that's if you plead guilty!

SEAN: That's it, I'm off.

POLICEMAN: Come back! You can't leave me here, stranded!

Sean walks away from the policeman, and walks past Neil Hamilton holding up a wall.

NEIL: Put all your valuables into this bag, and the bricks live!

The wall obliges, and Neil makes a getaway. Sean continues walking, until he gets to a clear stretch. He looks both ways, and steps out onto the road, into an open manhole.

SEAN: SREWTH!

Sean clings to the edge of the manhole, and tries to drag himself up. Amy Persephone, the saucy minx who you could still show to your mother, walks up to the hole.

AMY: Hey Sean, how's it hanging?

SEAN: That's not funny!

AMY: What? Oh. I made a pun! Hee hee!

SEAN: Look, pull me out will you?

AMY: OK. Here, grab this... not that!!! Grab this pole!

Sean grabs the pole and Amy pulls him out of the manhole. Sean lies on the pavement, gasping.

SEAN: *GASP* Thanks Amy.

AMY: That's OK. What were you doing down there anyway?

SEAN: It's a short story.

AMY: I don't have time for that.

SEAN: I understand. So, what brings you to these parts?

AMY: I live here.

SEAN: Why so you do, yes... So, this is your house?

AMY: Um, no. That's a post-box.

SEAN: Yes, yes I knew that, yes...

AMY: So, whatcha' doing?

SEAN: I was just trying to cross the road, to get to the bakery, but every time I try to cross, something happens to stop me. Watch.

He looks about furtively, and runs forward. He is rugby tackled by a nun, and carried back to the pavement.

SEAN: See?

AMY: Yes. That's a bit of a downer.

SEAN: Can you get across?

AMY: Get across what?

SEAN: The road.

AMY: Oh. Well, I'll give it a go.

She looks both ways, and walks across to the far side of the road. She then walks back.

AMY: Well, that was easy enough.

SEAN: Hmmm.

He rubs his chin, and rushes forward. Christopher Lee swoops down and punches his face in. Sean staggers back to the pavement.

SEAN: What's going wrong?

AMY: I don't know. It's sort of like the "does she like me, or does she like me like me" problem.

SEAN: In what way?

AMY: I'll work that out later. Anyway, what you should do is do the unexpected.

SEAN: Unexpected? Like what?

AMY: Well, if I tell you, it won't be unexpected.

SEAN: Hmm...

Sean moonwalks along a section of pavement, and starts dancing enthusiastically. He begins thrusting his away across the road, but gets knocked down by a TV detector van. The occupants of the van get out and pin a "I'm a Sun reader," badge to Sean's lapel. They then run away, and Sean drags his way back to Amy.

AMY: I knew you'd come crawling back.

SEAN: Sigh. I bet you say that to all the chaps.

Amy gives him a slap.

SEAN: Ooo. I swallowed a filling.

AMY: So, how can we get you across... ah!

SEAN: Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyesss?

AMY: We smuggle you across!

SEAN: Will that work?

AMY: We can but try. Here, get in this matchbox.

SEAN: Right.

He squeezes himself into the matchbox. Amy hurls it across the road. An old chap with a rifle walks by and sees the matchbox.

CHAP: Huh! PULL!

He shoots the matchbox, which falls to the ground.

SEAN: FEZZZZZZZZ!

The matchbox bounces back to Amy. Sean steps out wearily.

SEAN: I don't think I'll ever get across.

AMY: Don't give up hope yet, Seanie baby.

SEAN: Don't call me that.

AMY: OK Chuck, you blockhead.

SEAN: Good grief!

AMY: Try pole-vaulting.

Sean attempts to pole vault across the road using a relay race baton, but breaks his ankles.

AMY: I'm running out of ideas of how to solve your predicament.

SEAN: Well, thanks for trying.

AMY: I guess you'll be stuck on this pavement.

SEAN: I suppose so... that's it!

AMY: What is?

SEAN: I could kiss you!

AMY: Ooooooooooo dear.

SEAN: I can only stay on a pavement, right?

AMY: Left.

SEAN: Then all I need to do is extend the pavement across the road!

AMY: I suppose so. Yes, that could work.

SEAN: One small snag. Where am I going to get more pavement slabs to put down, and where can I get the cement and necessary tools to - oh, here they are.



A few hours later, Sean is laying down the last slag. Slab. That's the one.

SEAN: There! Finished!

AMY: Well done!

Sean stands and psyches himself. He steps forth onto the pavement that he's been trying to get to all this time. He makes it in one piece.

SEAN: YESSSS!

AMY: Well, you did it! It took you a while, I'll grant you, but it's the end results that count.

SEAN: Now to that bakery! Knowing my luck, it'll have predictably closed in the time it took me to get across the road.




SCENE 2: Bakery exterior

Sean and Amy are eating muffins.

SEAN: Well, I was wrong. Which was nice.

AMY: Well, I'm sure we've all learnt something today.

SEAN: We sure have.

AMY: Right. Just so we know. Nice muffins, these.

SEAN: The bread in the shop was nice too.

AMY: Oh yes. I've got two large whites.

SEAN: Oooooooo my!

AMY: Oh, Sean, you've got some sauce!

Twee laughter and end jingles.


THE END