|
|
This episode was written in a desperate attempt to prolong the series when I couldn’t think of any ideas. It’s a blend of the usual characters, some British comedians and the Warner Bros. Looney Tunes cartoons. The sitcom style is still upheld by the opening scenes, featuring Sean and Amy, though after Sean meets Frankie Howerd, everything goes Meep Meep. This was really the last of the experimental episodes. From episode 4 onwards, the series became more of a conventional comedy series in which Sean does something funny for 10-15 pages.
Sean's Got Some Sauce! by David Barnes Sean Brady and the Roadrunner SCENE 1: Living room Sean's house, in Melbourne. Sean is sitting in an armchair, reading one solitary comic, as is his want. He turns a page, reads the contents, laughs, turns a page, reads the contents, laughs even harder, and eventually puts the comic down to drink some orange juice after the excitement. He switches on the TV and flicks through the channels. Every channel has a "Morecambe and Wise" repeat and, because of his hatred of anything good and decent, Sean blows up his television. He sits back down and sips his orange juice. Then, there's a knock at the door. He gurns gratuitously, and goes to answer the door. SCENE 2: Hallway Sean opens the door. Amy, the fun loving gal with attitude™ is outside, wearing a business suit and holding a clipboard. SEAN: G'day Amy! What can I do ya' for? AMY: They'll be none of that on my rounds. I'm here to collect the rent for this place. SEAN: Rent? AMY: Yes. I'm the landlady. SEAN: But I paid for this house months ago! AMY: Y'know when you went out to got some milk this morning? SEAN: Yes. AMY: I repossessed the house. Officially this place is mine, and since you're residing in it temporarily, you have to pay me rent. SEAN: That's a fine state of affairs, that. Bonza, he who drinks Australian etc. AMY: So if you'll hand over the $5000 then I'll be off. SEAN: THE WHAT???? HAND????? AMY: Eh? SEAN: You want me to give you 5000 hands??? AMY: Um, no. $5000. Money. SEAN: Oh. Well I don't have that either. AMY: Well, I could wait till next weeks collection. But that'll put another $600 interest on it. SEAN: You want me to pay $5000 a week? AMY: That's the plan, yes. SEAN: I don't have that kind of money! I only have French francs! AMY: How many? SEAN: 4999. AMY: That's not 5000, though, is it? SEAN: Sigh. Well, what am I going to do? AMY: Well, I guess you'll just have to move out. I've got someone else here waiting to own this place? Sean looks over Amy's shoulder. David, the loveable fruit seller, smiles and waves at him, pointing to a suitcase. Sean scowls. SEAN: Where am I supposed to move to? AMY: I don't know. Mexico? Possibly. Anywhere. Just not here. SEAN: How about that place over the road? That's for sale. AMY: It'll be $4,3000 a week. Add another £500 if you want the pool. SEAN: Fine. Mexico it is. I'll pack my things. AMY: I've taken the liberty of packing them for you. Here's your suitcase. SEAN: This is just a video! AMY: Everything's in the video. I took pictures of your stuff. See, there's your toothbrush? SEAN: Thank you. Well... I'll be off then. He walks away and past David. He pauses and turns to Dave. SEAN: Dolt. Audience laughs. SEAN: Ah! See? I bet you won't have them eating out of your hands like I do! David shrugs and Sean walks off. He hears a huge roar of laughter and applause and looks behind him. A crowd has gathered around David who's telling jokes. Sean scowls again and pounds his fist into his palm in a threatening gesture. SCENE 3: High street Sean is on his mobile. SEAN: G'day? Er, I'd like to take a taxi to Mexico. VOICE ON PHONE: I'm sure the taxi will be very happy. Wait just a few seconds. Sean switches off his phone, which is then stolen by a policeman. Before Sean can do anything, a taxi pulls up. The driver, played by Ronnie Barker with a cloth cap, leans out of the window. DRIVER: Where you going then, mate? SEAN: Mexico. DRIVER: (Incredulous) Mexico? He looks irritated and starts looking about, drawing in breath through his teeth. Every so often he looks at Sean, and rolls his eyes. After 30 seconds of this: DRIVER: Yeah, alright, get in. Sean gets into the back of the taxi. The taxi drives off. SCENE 4: Taxi interior DRIVER: So why the bleedin' 'ell are you going to Mexico? SEAN: A friend repossessed my house. DRIVER: Oh that's nice, that is. Wonderful. So, rather than complain to the council or summat', you're going to Mexico? SEAN: Well, like my trousers, the story wouldn't stand up. I'm sure what she does is legal, anyway. SCENE 5: Restaurant exterior Amy is standing next to a large van. A stereotypical French waiter, played by James Coco, is with her, looking worried. AMY: Get in the van, Frenchy. WAITER: Non, ah cannot! Amy takes out a big stick and starts hitting him with it, guiding him into the back of the van. The van contains another 11 French waiters. Once the 12th is inside, Amy slams the door shut and padlocks it with a comically large lock. She uses an ink stamper to stamp "TO SOUTHAMPTON" on the side of the van. The driver takes the van away and Amy looks at a clipboard. AMY: Now I just need to send a consignment of Scottish widows and a couple of Chinese wine peddlers to fulfil the contract. SCENE 6: Mexico harbour Sean pays his fare to the taxi driver, and the taxi drives away. Sean looks about him, and starts jogging in no direction at all. He jogs straight into an estate agent, played by Frankie Howerd. SEAN: Arghh! AGENT: Oooo! Ow, 'ere, watch it. This fabric costs some money, y' know? SEAN: Sorry. I'm looking for a house to buy. AGENT: Ohhhhhhhh, you should have saaaaaaaaaid! Well I've got a lovely pair for sale. Audience laughs. Estate agent looks up and frowns. AGENT: Yes, alright alright. We've found the level, yes. A couple more jokes like that and we'll have a riot, won't we? Yyyyes, I know so. He turns back to Sean. AGENT: So, you want some living accommodation? SEAN: Yup. AGENT: Well, as I said, I have two currently on sale. There's one in a new, posh, residential area. Large and spacious, with two floors - one for regular and one for best! He laughs. No one else does. He frowns at the audience. AGENT: It's called a joke. J-O-K-E. Oh, suit yourselves. Anyway, this wonderful house, with swimming pool, servants and billiard room, costs the suitably cheap sum of $678, 000. SEAN: I can't afford that! AGENT: Well, there is the other one. £4.50 and a lemon. SEAN: Will a grapefruit do? AGENT: Admirably! AD-MIR-A-BLY! SEAN: When can I move in? SCENE 7: Small, run down wooden shack thing SEAN: Jaysus Chroist. He puts his key in the door, which collapses. He seethes, and walks inside. SCENE 8: Kitchen The kitchen consists of a wooden table, a fridge and a gas stove. Sean opens the fridge - it's empty, and doesn't work anyway since there's no electricity. He sits down at the table in despair. The chair he sits on collapses. SCENE 9: Living room, some time later Sean is sitting slumped in a wooden rocking chair. The room also contains a withering plant, and a table with a packet of cards on it. SEAN: God, I'm so hungry! I haven't eaten for days and days and days! Stuck out here, in the middle of nowhere... not even McDonalds has reached it. AUUUGHH! I need some fooood! He looks out of the window, and his eyes light up. SEAN: A bird! SCENE 10: Shack exterior Sean runs up to a sexy, mini-skirted woman and starts raising his eyebrows. A giant chicken, Foghorn Leghorn walks up to him. LEGHORN: Ah say, ah say you don't want to be doing anything with her. Ah saw your eyes; you're hungry, that's what you are, you're hungry. You can't eat her! That's cannibalism, boy! Turns to camera. LEGHORN: Nice kid but dumb as a horse. Turns back. LEGHORN: Now, what you want, boy, is something to eat! SEAN: You're a chicken aren't you? LEGHORN: Why yes I am. Sean starts salivating. Leghorn does a humorous doubletake. LEGHORN: No, you don't want me, boy! I'll show you a nice little thing though. Come this way. He leads Sean to a plain. Standing in the middle of it is a real bird. LEGHORN: Now that, ah say, that is a roadrunner. Roadrunners is far tastier than chickens! SEAN: Really? LEGHORN: Sure, boy! Now go on, get to it! Sean runs. Foghorn Leghorn starts laughing, and strolls off. LEGHORN: Dumb as a horse, yep. Hee hee. SCENE 11: Plain The roadrunner is eating specks of corn. Behind it is a bush (the planet kind, damn you). The bush suddenly has legs and walks up behind him, each footstep punctuated by a musical note. Every so often, the roadrunner turns round and the bush stops. Eventually, the bush gets up to behind the roadrunner. Sean leaps out. SEAN: Gotcha'! The roadrunner leaps out of his grasp. ROADRUNNER: Meep meep! It zooms off, faster than the speed of light. Or something. Sean looks after it. His jaw drops to the ground, which he picks up. He starts pacing back and forth, trying to think of a plan. Suddenly, his eyes light up and he holds a finger in the air, and a light bulb appears above his head. The light bulb falls on his head and shatters. A big lump grows out of Sean's head. SCENE 11: Road Sean ties some wire to a tree stump, and then takes the other end over the road and holds it. He grins evilly. The roadrunner zooms along, and Sean tightens the wire. The roadrunner runs through it, and the treestump is uprooted. It flies through the air and crushes Sean. SCENE 12: Different road Sean puts a bowl of corn in the middle of the road, and he hides behind a rock. The roadrunner zooms up and stops, and starts pecking the corn. Sean, behind the rock, can be seen pulling the pin out of a grenade. The roadrunner continues pecking the corn, when he is disturbed by a pin falling on his head. He thinks nothing of it and continues pecking the corn. A huge explosion occurs behind the rock and Sean walks out, blackened. SCENE 13: Cliff top Sean looks through some binoculars, and sees the roadrunner zooming along a road, leaving a dust trail behind it. Sean gets out a bow and arrow, from a box marked "ACME WILLIAM TELL GEAR", and aims. He stretches the wire, lets go, and the bow zooms away. Sean stares. The arrow falls ineffectually to the floor. Sean seethes. Behind him, the roadrunner zooms up, holding the bow. ROADRUNNER: Meep meep! Sean leaps into the air, and off the cliff. We see an aerial view of Sean falling, a dust cloud happening when he hits the ground. SCENE 14: Plain Sean places a landmine on the ground, which has a wire attached to it. He places a cardboard box over the mine, and a bowl of corn on the box. A sign is placed next to it, reading "FREE FOOD!" Sean hides behind another rock, holding the wire. The roadrunner appears next to the box and begins eating the corn. Sean yanks the wire, and nothing happens. He yanks it several times. The roadrunner finishes the corn and goes on its way. Sean rushes up to the box and starts stamping on it. A piano falls on him, and then the mine explodes. SCENE 15: Another road Sean places two rocks either side of the road, and lays a train track between them, over the road. He places a cardboard cut out of an evil bloke with a top hat and twirly moustache beside a rock. He then loops some rope around himself and lays on the track. Lastly, he puts on a blonde wig. SEAN: OH HELP ME! HELLLP ME! The roadrunner runs up and stops. SEAN: You've got to help me! That evil brute tied me to the rails! An evil grin crosses his face, and he leaps up, arms poised. SEAN: Gotcha'! A train runs him over. When it's gone by, Sean is on the tracks, retching. ROADRUNNER: Meep meep! It runs off. SCENE 16: Shack exterior Sean, his clothes in tatters, trudges up to the shack. SEAN: I know when I'm beat. I'm going back to Melbourne. I can't stand it out here. I need something to eat! He hears zooming sounds behind him, and a mouse appears next to him. SPEEDY GONZALES: Ariba ariba, undalay undalay! The mouse zooms off. SEAN: FOOD! He begins to run off, and stops and turns to camera. He shrugs. SEAN: Meh, it's a living. He runs off, and chases Speedy into the sunset. CLOSING JINGLES Porky Pig appears. PORKY: A-he-h-ha-he-he-he's got some sa-se-sauce! THAT'S ALL FOLKS! |
|
|
