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Welcome back for more hilarity with Sean Brady. Gone are the Goons and factories on watches, to be replaced with Sean mucking about in a florist. It’s still good, trust me. This episode introduces Amy Persephone, a terribly nice gal who was pleased with the way I’d characterised here in this series. I wrote her as a woman easy to get along with, though who was also very strong – true to life actually! The relationship between Sean and Amy in this series took a few goes to get right. In this introductory episode, Amy is (quite rightly) annoyed with Sean all the way though till the end, where the possibility of romance was toyed with. I dropped this for later episodes, as a) romance between the two would get in the way of the comedy and b) I probably couldn’t write romance to save my life. In episodes 3 and 4, she’s a con man (or should that be con woman?), though still a friend of Sean’s. Finally, this aspect was all but ignored from episode 5 onwards, where she became just a friend of his, who seems to be always around, giving him advice or mocking him, depending on what the situation deserves. Sean’s character does not really differ from the Pilot. In fact, his is really the only constant during the series.
Sean's Got Some Sauce! by David Barnes The Florists SCENE 1: Florists It's a nice florists. Lots of pretty flowers about. A young woman with long purple hair, played by Amy Persephone, sits behind a counter, filing her nails. The bell above the door rings, and she looks up. Sean Brady strides into the shop and up to the counter. He stares straight ahead, avoiding eye contact, looking perturbed. SEAN: (In an overly loud and clear manner.) I'd like to buy a pot. AMY: Pardon? Sean looks at the woman. He begins twitching. SEAN: I'd like to buy a pot. AMY: A pot? SEAN: Yes. Plant pot, glue pot, anything. I just want a pot. AMY: Erm... I have this pen if that would be any good? Sean stares at her, his right eye twitching. SEAN: No, that wouldn't be any good. I need a pot. AMY: A pot? SEAN: Yes. AMY: Any particular colour? SEAN: No, I just need a pot. A blue one preferably. AMY: Here you are sir. She hands over a postal stamp. Sean stares at it in his hand for several seconds. He looks up at Amy, twitching violently. SEAN: This isn't a pot. AMY: (In an overly soothing voice.) Of course it isn't. Now just sit down, put your feet up, and tell me about your problem. SEAN: I'd like to purchase a pot. Please??? AMY: OK, fine. Here! She whacks a pot onto the desk, shattering it. SEAN: Your desk just shattered- AMY: (Staring straight ahead, glaring, the pot still in her hand hovering where the desk once was.) I know. SEAN: Erm... I have £6.50. That any good? Amy glares at him. AMY: Just take the damn pot. SEAN: Oh. Um... thank you! Sean takes the pot and walks out of the shop. SCENE 2: Florist exterior A tough looking Cockney bloke, played by Ronnie Corbett with a stutter, is leaning against a lamp post, holding a gun. Sean walks up to him, nervously proffering the pot. SEAN: Here you are. RONNIE: Blimey, you took yer bleedin' time, didn't cha', eh? SEAN: I'm sorry, the woman at the desk wasn't very helpful. RONNIE: Well we'll forget about it for the moment. What matters is that you've got the pot. SEAN: Can I go now? RONNIE: Not yet, mate. Remember the contract? SEAN: What contract? RONNIE: You mean I didn't get you to sign a contract? SEAN: No. RONNIE: Oh. Oh bloody 'ell. Er... er... He looks about. RONNIE: Well... um... well... He doesn't say anything. SEAN: Can I go then? RONNIE: Oh. Oh yes. Yes, go right ahead. SEAN: OK... right... Sean retreats back into the florists. SCENE 3: Florists Amy is rebuilding the desk with glue. She's just about to stick the final part on, when Sean rushes in. SEAN: GET THE POLICE! The desk collapses again. Amy, still holding the last piece, seethes. She whips her head round and glares at Sean. AMY: What? What do you want now? Sean waves his arms about frantically. SEAN: There's a man outside with a gun! He forced me to come in here and buy that pot! He's a fiendish pot-plant merchant, who needed new pots to further his evil ambitions!!! Amy raises an eyebrow. AMY: Right. A guy with a gun. SEAN: Yes! He's out there, right now! You've got to get the police! AMY: This place doesn't have a phone. SEAN: What??? But... but surely you have a mobile? Yes, a mobile... He spies her handbag and rushes over to it, rustling through it, chucking objects over his shoulder. AMY: Hey, what dya'- She stops and tries to catch the items that Sean is removing from her bag; a teddy bear, a lipstick, some clothes, a big wad of cash. Her eyes momentarily bulge and she ducks as a piano flies over her head and smashes some shelves behind her. SEAN: Mobile mobile mobile... ah! A mobile! Sean turns on the mobile phone. He squints. SEAN: You've got a message from someone called Neil. He says he's actually gay. Oh well. Erm... Sean fiddles with the phone as Amy stares at him, eyes wide. She twitches a few times. SEAN: How do you send a call on this? He turns and see's her staring at him in a calmly enraged way, still holding the teddy bear etc.. SEAN: Are you alright? AMY: (In harsh, clipped tones). Yes. Of course I am. Never better. SEAN: Good. How do you send a call on this thing?... Oh, never mind, found it myself! He presses the button and lifts the phone to his ear. He waits for a few seconds, but surprise flickers over his face. He stares at the phone, scowling. SEAN: Out of credit? OUT OF CREDIT??? GAHHH! He begins smashing Amy's phone against the wall. She just stares wide-eyed at him, expressionless. SEAN: Bah... now what do I do? He runs to the window. SEAN: He's still there, with the g-g-gun. He rushes to Amy. SEAN: Well??? WHAT ARE WE GONNA' DO??? Amy stares at him for a while. She lifts her arms up, proffering the random item assortment she's holding. AMY: Take these. Sean looks at the stuff and takes them. Amy punches him in the face and he falls backward through the air, in slow motion. SEAN: (Voice slowed down.) AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH! He crashes into a grandfather clock, which snaps. He and the clock tip over and fall to the ground, the splintering wood creating satisfying echoey sound effects. The slow motion stops. Amy rubs her hands and smiles. SEAN: (Dazed fashion.) Of course, I was friends with President Williams before the scuba diving trip... AMY: Get up. Sean clambers to his feet, a spring sticking out of his collar. He coughs up a clock hand. AMY: Are you alright now? SEAN: Yes. Thank you. Amy looks out of the window. AMY: Where is this guy? I can't see him. SEAN: He's right there, standing by a... Sean stares out of the window too. Ronnie Corbett has gone. SEAN: But... he was there just a second ago! AMY: Really? Well, he isn't there now, so just get out of here before I crack you over the skull with some lead piping. She walks up to the door. Ronnie suddenly smashes his head through the glass. RONNIE: GIVE ME YOUR WISHBONE!!! Amy screams and leaps back. Sean dashes to her aid and begins timidly poking Ronnie. Ronnie bites his finger and Sean whimpers like a little girl. AMY: Hit him, you dolt! Audience laughs. AMY: Dolt? Audience laugh again. RONNIE: I NEED A WISHBONE!!! SEAN: You swine! Sean begins battering Ronnie with a solicitor. Ronnie retreats, and hides in a pot hole of mystery. SEAN: It's OK, he's gone now. AMY: Good. Help me up, would ya'? I'm stuck in this water feature. Sean helps her up. AMY: Where is he now? SEAN: Gone, for now. What shall we do now? AMY: Well, we can't get the police... yell for help? SEAN: I'm not going to yell for help! AMY: Why not? SEAN: Yelling's for sissies. Amy raises her fist menacingly. SEAN: HELP! HEEEEEELLLLLP! HEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPP US!... HELLLLLLPPPP MEEEEEE! Yes, that's right, HEEEEEEELLLLPPPP MEEEEE! SCENE 4: Florists Some time has passed. Amy is playing a small, travel chess set. Sean is whimpering loudly, exhausted. SEAN: Hellllp... sigh... it's no good. AMY: Check. Keep yelling. SEAN: I can't. I'm thoroughly shagged out. AMY: Check. Too much information, too much information... SEAN: Eh? AMY: Check mate. Never mind. She looks up. AMY: Where is he now? SEAN: Still in the pot hole, I think. He looks out of the window. Ronnie is outside, holding up a sign saying "I like benefits." Sean screams and jumps backwards. Ronnie frowns and waves his gun in the air, swearing in Welsh. AMY: What's he doing? SEAN: I don't know. But whatever it is, it's utterly fiendish. An old woman asks Ronnie Corbett for directions. He assists, and continues jumping around, waving his gun. AMY: I've got an idea! SCENE 5: Peter Cook's study Peter Cook looks up from a newspaper. PETER: That sounds bloody exciting if you ask me. SCENE 6: Florists SEAN: You want me to what????? AMY: Dress up as an old woman, go outside, ask for directions, and then, when he's distracted, knock him out. SEAN: Oh. I thought you said ovulate. Amy frowns at him. SEAN: Sorry. I thought you did! AMY: Just get changed. SEAN: No. There's no way I'm dressing up as an old woman. Not for you, not for anyone! No, definitely not! Absolutely, finally, no! SCENE 7: Florist exterior An unconscious Ronnie lies on the floor. Amy takes off a grey wig and sighs. Sean is in the window. He looks into camera. SEAN: I told you I wasn't dressing up. Audience roars with laughter. Sean raises an eyebrow, confused. SCENE 8: Florist exterior Ronnie is being taken to a police squad van by some vicars. Sean and Amy stand outside the florists. The police van drives off. Sean and Amy stand around. There is an awkward silence. SEAN: Well er... thank you for er... well... thanks. AMY: No problem. SEAN: I mean you er... you handled him well. AMY: Blimey. SEAN: Not like that! AMY: I know. They smile awkwardly. SEAN: Well, I guess I'd better... AMY: Yeah, yeah, me too. SEAN: Y' know... it'd be nice to see you again sometime. AMY: Yeah. I wouldn't mind seeing you again either. SEAN: Great! Well, I'll see you around! And I must say again how well you managed earlier. AMY: A girl's gotta' do what a girl's gotta' do. SEAN: And I bet you do it wonderfully! AMY: Oh Sean, you've got some sauce! Sean turns to camera, grinning and doing a thumbs up, as the jingles play. He looks sideways at Amy. SEAN: (Through gritted teeth). Go on! AMY: No. SEAN: You have to! It's in the script! AMY: I said those last horrible two lines, I'm not going to do this as well. Sean looks around desperately. Amy rolls her eyes and walks off. Sean looks at the camera. He waits, still grinning and giving a thumbs up. Eventually he stops. SEAN: Fine. Alright then. He steps forward onto a giant novelty spring and violently bounces off through the air. THE END |
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