"Sean’s Got Some Sauce!" – Pilot episode

I started this series in February, over at a forum I know. As of writing this introduction, I have written 8 episodes of the series, and so can point out how earlier episodes differ in style and format to the later ones. I hope by the time I write my 9th episode that a particular style will have been found. Top notch.

The series was made to star a chap called Sean Brady, a terribly nice Australian bloke who I knew from various Who forums, and whom I’ve now come to regard as a good friend. I didn’t have any long-term ideas when I wrote this pilot episode, except that I wanted the episodes to be funny.

Generally, the series is written as a sitcom (the title of the series being a slight mickey take of the obnoxious catchphrases uttered by various characters in silly 70’s British sitcoms), starring Sean and friend / accomplice / random chappette Amy Persephone, similarly based on someone I know online and who also is a good friend of mine. There is no real formula to the series, especially in these earlier episodes. Hopefully however you’ll enjoy them.

This pilot episode differs hugely from any other episode in the series. It was written to include my usual silly humour, drawing inspiration from The Goons (indeed, they appear briefly in the episode itself). In it, Sean is presented as just a random chap who wanders into a situation and takes control of it. Much of it makes no sense at all – my type of humour!

However, this "Goonish" humour is mostly absent from future episodes, which follow a less surreal pattern. Characters seen in this episode (such as the Mayor, who I envisaged as a long term character) never appear again. Regular character Amy Persephone, whose inclusion created a huge shift in the way I wrote the episodes, is not introduced till episode 2. A character early on in the episode, David (that’s me, actually), does appear in later episodes, but is written as someone who generally just seems to be around, filling in a particular plot function, and so isn’t really a character in his own right. Other specifics such as the location of the series were changed; in this Pilot episode, the story takes place in a fictional town called Thon, though in future episodes I set them in Melbourne, Australia, where the real Sean Brady lives.

Though this first episode is unlike anything in the rest of the series, I’ve included it as a nice curiosity that hopefully will get a few laughs.

One final note: as these episodes were being placed on a particular forum, I included different forum members into my scripts. This policy was fazed out by episode 3. To avoid confusing anyone who wouldn’t know who the people referred to are, I have renamed them to random celebrities. A slight edit made to this pilot has a section of scene 2, in which Sean and David meet infamous Who forum poster Pamela Nash, excised completely – sorry Pam! The only exception to this is the use of SiHunt later in this episode, as he’s someone who also has a column here at the Vervoid.

Sean's Got Some Sauce!

by David Barnes

PILOT EPISODE


SCENE 1: A garage


Sean Brady is lying on the floor of a gloomy yet still clearly visible garage. The Sun filters through a window - first the front page, then page 3, then the letters page etc. There is a tap embedded in the ceiling. A drop of water drips from the tap onto Sean's brow.

SEAN: Damn, I'll have to take this brow back to the shops and get it replaced.

Sean suddenly realises that he's in a garage.

SEAN: I'm in a garage!

Wonderful.

SEAN: There's something odd here. If this IS a garage - and I'm not so sure that it is - there should be a car in here. And...

He spins with his arms in the air in a dramatic fashion.

SEAN: ... there isn't!

The garage door opens and a Ford Anglia zooms in at top speed of 5mph, crushing Sean against the far wall. Sean flops forward onto the bonnet. The car door opens and a smart, well-dressed gent walks out.

DAVID: Hello, Barnes here!

WELL DRESSED GENT: Have you been in the car all this time?

DAVID: Yes. I cunningly disguised myself as you, so when you saw me, you thought I was the rearview mirror.

WELL DRESSED GENT: My word. Anyway, I must be off. I only had five lines in this episode, including the next one. Good night.

Well dressed gent walks out of the garage and off on another fantastic adventure.

SEAN: Burble...

David the loveable chimney sweep suddenly realises Sean is crushed between the wall and the Ford Anglia. He jumps in fright and cracks his head on the ceiling. 6 hours later, he wakes up and tries to assist Sean.

DAVID: Mr. Brady, how are you?

SEAN: I think I'm dead.

DAVID: Ho ho ho, what a jolly jape.

SEAN: Christ, you must be the embodiment of crap 1950's comedy.

DAVID: You rotter!

SEAN: I am, yes. Now, help me out of this curious predicament. I'm supposed to be taking my girlfriend, Gabbie, out for lunch. And then I'm going to see the wife.

DAVID: Shan't be a minute.

David gets in the Ford Anglia.

DAVID: Oh wait, I can't drive.

SEAN: I can.

DAVID: OK, I'll take your place while you drive the car away, and then we can swap back again.

SEAN: Fine.

The plan works. What a brain that young lad has!

DAVID: So, what's been happening?

SEAN: Do I know you?

DAVID: Yes.

SEAN: Right. Anyway, I was wandering down the road, to buy myself one solitary comic, as is my want, when I suddenly blacked up, and then I got knocked unconscious. I woke up in this garage.

DAVID: What garage?

SEAN: This garage, damn you, you swine of the highest order!

DAVID: This is a textiles factory.



SCENE 2: Cinema foyer

DAVID: No, sorry, I'm wrong, it's a cinema foyer.

SEAN: Oh look, films!

DAVID: They are indeed. Fancy watching one?

SEAN: No, I'm away to create a name for myself in industry.

DAVID: I can help you there. Here, have a milk bottle.

SEAN: Swine, this milk bottle is full of milk!

DAVID: That's not milk, it's cream!

SEAN: Cream? Then why is this bottle labelled "Cream"?

DAVID: Because it contains cream.

SEAN: But this is a milk bottle. If I put a substance inside the wrong container and give it a label that corresponds with the contents and not the packaging, i could be arrested for fun.

DAVID: You should complain.

SEAN: I'm going to! Listen out for some funny sound effects!

Sombre sound effects play in the distance.

SEAN: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh deary deary me. What a dreadful muddle. Still, off on this battery-operated battery I go!




SCENE 3: Mayor's office

The Mayor of Thon, played by Kenneth Conner, is sitting at his desk, fiddling with a fiddle.

MAYOR: Now that you're herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre...

An Irishman crashes through the walls.

IRISHMAN: Someone to see you sir.

MAYOR: Do you have a lisp?

IRISHMAN: Not on me, no.

The Irishman repairs the wall and leaves via the aqueduct. Sean Brady opens the door, loses his nerve, thrashes on the floor for a bit, finds his nerve, and scuttles inside.

MAYOR: Hello down there.

SEAN: I'm standing on your desk.

MAYOR: Well I'm standing on your head.

SEAN: You swine! I'm here to debate why cream should be put into milk bottles.

MAYOR: It shouldn't, not on my watch!

SEAN: What's the time?

MAYOR: Why it's - egad, people are putting cream into milk bottles on my watch!

SEAN: There's a whole factory!

MAYOR: And to think I never noticed this before!

SEAN: Well, to be fair, and I don't want to be fair, because you're a silly arse.

MAYOR: Well, what can we do about it?

SEAN: Your arse?

MAYOR: Yes, but our primary concern is this cream related mischief.

SEAN: Indeed it is. Shall I call the men?

MAYOR: I think you'd better.

Sean sticks his head out of the window and calls.

SEAN: THE MEN!

A trio of policemen, played by Spike Milligan, Peter Sellers and Harry Secombe, bustle their way into the office.

MAYOR: Do you have a search warrant?

POLICEMAN 1: Yes, yesyesyesyesyesyes!

POLICEMAN 2: Don't do that. Yes, we have a search warrant, Moriarty.

MAYOR: Then investigate this factory on my watch!

SEAN: What can I do?

MAYOR: What can't you do!

He chuckles.

SEAN: Eh?

MAYOR: Nothing.

SEAN: That's something.

They all sing "Something for Nothing".

SEAN: Yes, so, is there anything I can do?

MAYOR: Yes, you must single-handedly find out if anything like this is happening on anyone elses' watches.

SEAN: I'm afraid I have two hands.

MAYOR: Then tie one behind your back.

SEAN: I can't sir, it isn't nice to do something behind someone's back.

MAYOR: Then give me your hand.

SEAN: There's an idea.

Sean hands over his hand.

SEAN: Bonza!

MAYOR: Ah, that old Australian wit!

He punches Sean.

SEAN: Ow! Ha ha!

MAYOR: Yyyyyyyyyyyyyes. So, off you go.

POLICEMAN 2: Come along Minny.




SCENE 4: SCOTTISH CASTLE

A Scottish bagpipe player, Sean Connery, is standing at the battlements of a castle. His eyes suddenly snap open in shock.

CONNERY: I've got that queer feeling again.

SEAN: Nonsense, I've never felt you before in my life!

CONNERY: Come out from beneath my sporran!

SEAN: I'm sorry, I'm on a mission. I'm investigating peoples' watches to see if there's a factory on them.

CONNERY: How repulsive.

SEAN: May I have a look?

CONNERY: Be my guest.

SEAN: Maybe later, but for now can I have a look at your watch?

CONNERY: Yes... och!

Sean laughs.

CONNERY: What?

SEAN: Och?!

CONNERY: I'm playing a Scotsman.

SEAN: I thought they were bagpipes.

CONNERY: Och! There's a factory on my watch! The workers are putting Yorkshire puddings inside treacle tart boxes!

SEAN: It's getting worse!

CONNERY: BORND! JEEEMES BORND!




SCENE 5: Dudley Moore's cottage

SEAN: May I have a look at your watch?

DUDLEY: Yes, certainly.

SEAN: More tarts!

DUDLEY: I say.

SEAN: Tarts in newspaper bundles! This is getting out of hand!

DUDLEY: I'm cuddly Dudley!




SCENE 6: A volcano

Sean hauls himself up the side of a volcano, played by SiHunt with a hat. Sean eventually gets to the top, where he leers at Bruce Forsyth.

SEAN: Brucie! I need your help!

BRUCE: Are you going for a high or a low card?

SiHunt laughs gleefully.

SEAN: Stop laughing!

SI: Quiet, you.

SEAN: Bruce, I-

SI: Is that all I get to say? "Quiet you"? Oh, I'm a 2-dimensional old hag, now? All I'm good for is saying a catchphrase that only David thinks I actually use on a regular basis, and that's it? If you excuse me, I'm going away to do some laundry.




SCENE 7: Si's kitchen

Si is idly tapping his washing machine, waiting for the cycle to finish. Suddenly, a postman leaps through the fridge and batters him to the ground.

POSTMAN: You lucky devil, you! You're won the pools!

SI: All of them?

POSTMAN: Yes!

SI: Wonderful.




SCENE 8: Coffee-bar

Sean and Bruce are sitting in a quiet little corner.

SEAN: Have you looked at your watch, recently?

BRUCE: Why, no.

SEAN: To answer the first question: there's probably a factory on it. That second question wasn't a question.

BRUCE: I'll look at my watch if you want... see, nothing there.

SEAN: No, wait! Look! They're putting alarm clocks into packaging for watches!

BRUCE: So they are.

SEAN: Whatever can we do to stop them?

BRUCE: Didn’t he do well?




SCENE 9: Mayor's office

The Mayor is sitting on the three policemen, eating an etch-a-sketch. Sean walks in, breathlessly.

MAYOR: Ah, Sean!

SEAN: Sorry I'm late, I've been shagging the secretary.

Complete silence.

SEAN: I'm sorry, I'll read that again.




SCENE 10: Mayor's office

MAYOR: Ah, Sean!

SEAN: I've been all over the world looking for you.

MAYOR: Didn't you think to look for me here?

SEAN: No, it would have been too obvious.

MAYOR: What have you discovered?

SEAN: Everyone's watch has a factory of some sort or another. And every factory is producing goods that have the wrong product inside the right packaging, and vice-versa.

MAYOR: What can we do?

SEAN: I have a plan!

MAYOR: Really?

SEAN: Yes, I've got it here.

MAYOR: There?!?!

SEAN: Yes.

MAYOR: That's novel.

SEAN: No, it's a plan. Now read it, you dolt!

Audience laughs.

SEAN: Dolt.

Audience laughs again.

MAYOR: I like this plan. I like it a lot.

SEAN: Then come on! We must flee! To Scarborough!

POLICEMAN 2: What time is it, Eccles?




SCENE 11: SCARBOROUGH

Sean is standing on top of a topless box, absolutely topless. He is waxing lyrical, whilst shouting into a microphone for the benefit of the crowd around him.

SEAN: I propose-

WOMAN: And I accept!

Crowd laughs.

SEAN: I'm going to seethe.

He does.

SEAN: That's solved the situation.




SCENE 12: Coffee bar

MAYOR: So by seething, you caused uproar in the factories, and all the workers went on strike?

SEAN: Exactly! Seething is a form of natural defence, and I knew that if I seethed, the workers would take it as a sign that I thought they were trying to attack me. This would of course be completely insubstantial and insulting to them, so they downed tools...

MAYOR:... and my men rounded them all up and had them all shot!

SEAN: Rough justice.

He spins a coin and it lands in a pint glass. A sting of music plays as the camera goes into extreme close up on the coin.

SEAN: Now, if you'll excuse me, my girlfriend is over at that other table waiting for me.

MAYOR: I say, she look's a happy chick.

SEAN: And I'm going to give her a good clucking!

MAYOR: Sean, you've got some sauce!

They both turn to camera, grinning and giving thumbs up to the audience.


THE END