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 A Minute With Troughton I’ve been away for a long time now. GCSE coursework is horrid. However, for the next week or so, I can relax, and catch up on my various writing escapades (this column being one of them). Apparently, my two “A Minute With” articles were rather entertaining. So I’ll do another, just to please the three people that read them. The Power of the Daleks DOCTOR: Hello, I’m the new Doctor! I’m silly and funny! DALEKS: DALEKS CONQUER AND DESTROY! DALEKS CONQUER AND DESTROY! DOCTOR: Ho ho ho, I’m got my arse stuck in this chair! (Daleks wipe out colony.) DOCTOR: Whoops! POLLY: Oh Doctor, you are a silly thing!
The Highlanders DOCTOR: Och eye och eye och eye. I’m Scottish! BEN: ‘Ere, cor blimey, can we take Jamie with us? DOCTOR: If he teaches me to play the bagpipes! JAMIE: You taking the p*ss or something?
The Underwater Menace ZAROFF: NOTHING- DOCTOR: I already have.
The Moonbase DOCTOR: Hello! HOBSON: Get out! DOCTOR: Let’s all sit down, have a cup of tea, and talk about things reasonably. (They do. Everyone dies.)
The Macra Terror CONTROL: THERE ARE NO MACRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! DOCTOR: Look behind you! CONTROL: There’s nothing there. DOCTOR: I know. Just fancied saying it. (A crab creeps up on the Doctor and cuts his braces)
The Faceless Ones DOCTOR: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FACELESS DEVILS! (Ben and Polly leave.)
The Evil of the Daleks DOCTOR: Now who on Earth could have stolen the TARDIS? That’s a real mystery… JAMIE: Doctor, look, it’s a Da- DOCTOR: Yup, a real corker all right. Maybe this matchbox can help me… JAMIE: Doctor! The Dal- DOCTOR: Hmm, one half of a photo… how peculiar…
The Tomb of the Cybermen DOCTOR: The Cybermen! Most ruthless of all my foes! (He opens the tomb.) DOCTOR: I wouldn’t go in if I were you. (They do.) DOCTOR: This hatch must lead down to the Cybermen, most ruthless of all my foes! (He opens the hatch.) DOCTOR: I wouldn’t go down there if I were you. (Etc.)
The Abominable Snowmen DOCTOR: Y-Y-Y-Yeti!!! YETI: … DOCTOR: Um… yes. Scary. YETI: … (Waves it’s arms about.) DOCTOR: Woo.
The Ice Warriors CLENT: We’re under siege! DOCTOR: Sigh. CLENT: Computer, what do we do? COMPUTER: ZZZZZZZZAASSZXXZXX I DON’T KNOW ZZXDDDXA. DOCTOR: Y’know, I think we should- CLENT: Shut up, you raving loony! Computer, what shall we do??? DOCTOR: That’s it, I’m siding with the Martians.
JON PERTWEE: And now. It’s episode three. Of The Enemy. (Boggles eyes.) Of the World!!! The Enemy of the World JAMIE: Hello Doctor! DOCTOR: Hello amigos! JAMIE: Doctor? DOCTOR: What’s a wrong, eh? The moon doesn’t fall out of the sky! JAMIE: You’re not the Doctor! DOCTOR: Er… yes I am. Look, I can play the…er… cello? JAMIE: _
The Web of Fear DOCTOR: Oh look, the Yeti again. How utterly terrifying. Woooo! I’m off for a nap- YETI: ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! DOCTOR: *Gulp *
Fury from the Deep DOCTOR: Oh look, a beach. VICTORIA: AHHHHHHHHHHH! DOCTOR: Oh look, a stone. VICTORIA: AHHHHHHHHHH! DOCTOR: Oh look, seaweed. VICTORIA: AHH- DOCTOR: Look, shut up! You scream at everything! (Behind the Doctor, the seaweed eats Jamie.) DOCTOR: Can’t you accept that not everything is a scary, horrid, nasty thing? Christ!
The Wheel in Space DOCTOR: GASP! A robot! Quick, we simply must run away. (They half-heartedly run away.) DOCTOR: Let’s have a picnic. CYBERMAN: YOU-A WILL-A TAKE UZZZZ TO THE WHEEL-A! DOCTOR: Fancy some strawberries? Damn, haven’t got a spoon. I’ll go and get one from the cutlery chest…. Hmm… Strange. There’s an astrophysicist inside… ZOE: It’s perfectly logical. DOCTOR: Logic, my dear Zoe, merely gets you kicked out on your arse. Now shut it! I want to eat my strawberries and cream…
The Dominators DOCTOR: Sigh. The Mind Robber ZOE: It’s Medusa! DOCTOR: It doesn’t exist! Say it! ZOE: It. Hee hee. DOCTOR: Sigh.
The Invasion JAMIE: It’s the Cybermen! They’re coming out all over London! BRIGADIER: Bloody poofs.
The Krotons KROTONS: OI! YOU! NO! WE ARE THE KROTONS, ALL RIGHT? DOCTOR: Yes, anything you say. Fancy a drink? KROTONS: YES…. AAUGHHHHH! OUR INSIDES ARE DISSOLVING! DOCTOR: It’s whiskey. Always tastes like that. KROTONS: AH. FINE. YUMMM….. AL-KEY-HOL….
The Seeds of Death ELDRED: What are you doing in my museum? DOCTOR: Good God! You’re wearing your Y-fronts over your trousers! SLAAR: You have destroyed the entire fleet! DOCTOR: Yes, but look! He’s wearing his Y-fronts over his trousers!
The Space Pirates MILO: Would any of you young’uns like any toast? JAMIE: Yes. MILO: So would I. Dang blasted new fangled solar toasters. DOCTOR: Yes, but what we should really be worrying about is these pirates. Now what I suggest is that… is that… Good God, what are you doing? (Milo pokes about in the toaster with a fork.)
The War Games DOCTOR: I AM YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER! I AM DOING AN INSPECTION, AND ALL THINGS THAT DO NOT MEET MY APPROVAL SHALL GO ON ZE LIST! WAR CHIEF: I shall kill you, Doctor! DOCTOR: YOUR NAME SHALL ALSO GO ON ZE LIST! VOT IS IT? WAR LORD: Don’t tell ‘im, War Chief! DOCTOR: War Chief! Thank you. WAR LORD: Bugger. TIME LORDS: That’s it! (The Time Lords swoop in and bugger everything up.)
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