Hanna-Barbera “Classics” – The Third
Installment
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Well, after all that, lets get on with the main thrust thrust thrust of
this article.
You know the drill. His name is Sam, and he’s tired of being groped by
construction-workers everyday. But enough about him – here’s where I
fondly (cough) remember, or spend hours searching Google to find facts
about, some of those “classic” cartoon shows made by the illustrious
Hanna-Barbera company. Or I tell you about the rubbish ones. And I have a
double-headed coin here that says…
*flip *
Oh good. Heads. Excellent.
1. The Flintstone Kids (1986-1988/1989)
Good God.
I unfortunately remember this travesty. For some unfathomable reason,
Hanna-Barbera at some stage decided that downsizing its popular series and
showing the stars as they were as children would by a good idea. They were
WRONG! And they were so very WRONG many times. “The Flintstones” was only
one show treated in this way.
Just look at that picture. Doesn’t it make you want to wash your eyes in
bleach? They look so… urghhhh! Look at Fred! He’s supposed to be a big fat
guy! I mean, he looks human now! What’s up with that? And, worse of all,
he has one of those “Slap me!” faces! And I find it hard to believe that
Wilma and Betty were allowed to wear jewellery in school. My school has a
strict ban on jewellery. Admittedly, mine is a boys’ school, but that’s
not the point! And why does Wilma look older as a kid than as a woman? AND
WHAT ON EARTH HAVE THEY DONE TO BETTY RUBBLE???
This series was so far up its own backside that they even felt the need to
have appearances from kiddy-fied Dino and Mr. Slate. I mean, how would
Dino have survived for about 25 years in time to see him fit and well in
the original “adult” Flintstones? And Mr. Slate – who cares about him???
He appeared in, what, 2 minutes each episode in the original series, if
that. Who wants to see how he developed as a kid? Not me, for one. And
Fred had a transvestite for a mum, which, whilst of sound political
correct comment, was just scary to watch.
The show was so pants that it even needed a whopping total of three
additional segments to back it up – one starring Dino, one starring
Captain Caveman and HIS kid (flippin’ ‘eck!) and one which featured the
Flintstone kids dreaming up stuff and appearing in fantasy adventures. And
the show only lasted about 23 minutes!
Another frankly unbelievable thing is that this series had a special
feature episode about drugs! “The Flintstone Kids Say No to Drugs,” was a
film teaching all the kiddies not to take drugs and was made in 1988. Why
should a kids show use this as a premise? The target audience would be too
young to understand it, for God’s sake! Its claim to fame for the “mega
cool” award is that it has a singer called Michael Jackstone in it.
However, in this he doesn’t have a face made out of fibreglass.
Anyway, the film has Wilma falling into the wrong crowd. Subtlety is used
to maximum effect when the leader, a stoned guy high on pot, is called
Stoney. She runs back to Fred and the gang, and they start a “Just Say No”
campaign, which involves spreading those three words to as many people as
possible. Surely “Don’t do drugs” is a far better slogan, as it has a
point: “Just say No” is just vague – say no to what? Alcohol? Pencils? BBC
Radio One?
One of the worst things about this episode was that it portrayed drug
addicts not as people who should be helped to overcome the addictions, but
as people who should just be reviled and kept away from all human life.
Stoney and his chaps are also just as good as Fred and the gang at just
about anything, which flies in the face of the “Taking drugs is bad and
makes your body bad” moral at the heart of the film. The drug addicts in
the film also don’t turn away from drugs because they’ve learnt about the
consequences drugs have, but because their leader loses his drug joints
and they decide to join the “Just Say No” group just in spite of him –
what sort of lesson is that?
Telling kids about the dangers of drugs is all well and good, but at least
make sure they’re old enough to understand your warnings! And make sure
you don’t use a rubbishy cartoon as your example!
2. The Powerpuff Girls (2000, I think, - 2003. And still going! AUGH!)
Yeah, OK, I know what you’re thinking – “This isn’t classic Hanna Barbera!
What on Earth are you doing? Begorrah!”
And you’d be right. However, I just want the chance to give a big slap to
the Hanna-Barbera company/corporation/pie stall. They’ve been making
cartoons for years. Sometimes they were a bit pants (“Birdman”, later
“Scooby Doo” creations) but they were always entertaining in some way,
whether you were laughing at them or with them (I’ve said it before and
I’ll say it again, “Top Cat” is what Hanna-Barbera can do if they want to
achieve genuine wit). But, the latest slew of creations have defied
belief. They’ve got a new art design now, which looks like some lunatic
has gone mad with a black permanent marker – and it’s rotten. “Dexter’s
Laboratory” is tolerable on occasions, but this is the pits, really.
In some desperate attempt to create symbols for girls to latch onto (go
Feminism! – albeit at least 30 years out of date), they create this.
You’ve probably already been blighted by its presence before, but just in
case you haven’t, here’s a rundown.
There’s a Professor. Reality is chucked out of the window when we’re told
his actual * name * is Professor. It’s bloody lucky he got into science
really, as if he’d become a milkman he’d have looked a right prat. Anyway,
whilst mixing up a potion (made out of, as well as sugar and spice,
“everything nice,” which going by the animation contains rabbits and
ponies – there’s more evidence for anti-animal-experimentation
campaigners, whilst the rest of you can fret about how on Earth he got a
pony into a glass cup) in his cellar (or basement, I’m open-minded), he
smashes a cylinder containing “Chemical X” whilst stirring the mixture.
One: how the Hell did he smash the tube whilst stirring – he’d have had to
have been stirring at a blinding speed to have actually broken through
glass. And that’s leaving out why such a dangerous chemical was left so
close to his mixture, and why he didn’t smash it as soon as he started
stirring. Two: If he’s a real scientist, why does he create a potion
without writing down any notes describing it’s component parts, or how he
made it, preferring instead to sod it all and call it “Chemical X”. What
he was planning to do with such a chemical is unknown, but evidently he
didn’t have a clue what it was. The outcome of him smashing this cylinder
is that Chemical X gets into his potion, creating – ta-daa! – three
monstrously ill-proportioned girls, with heads larger than their actual
bodies.
These three genetically engineered mutants then save the city repeatedly,
beating up monsters as they go. The Professor is such a nonce that, as
well as not informing the Government of this super chemical he’s
concocted, he enrols the three girls (Bubbles, Blossom and Buttercup – aw,
how sweet) for school, though has cautioned their teacher that they might
have to excuse themselves every so often to go and fight crime. This sort
of ludicrous situation would be great for a comedy sketch, but in the
wrong hands is deadly. As it is here.
Even worse is the methods by which the three girls defeat crime. Well,
“methods” is actually a bit of an exaggeration – I actually meant method,
singular. All they do is beat the baddies up. That’s it. What a good model
for young female viewers – if a man (it’s usually a bloke who’s the
villain) ever upsets you, just beat the living daylights out of him. They
never need to use their intelligence, though I suppose “What should I do…
beat them up!” could be considered a form of calculation. The villains are
a bit rubbish too. In the few times I’ve seen it, they included: a red
man/woman thing with a strange, lilting voice with no special powers
beyond having a strange, lilting voice; a monkey with a hat; some amoebas
(I’m sufficiently terrified); a big purple Southern stereotype with a
banjo; and a little girl with a crown, who does precisely nothing (the
most dastardly thing she’s ever done was attempt to make sure a random
girl wasn’t the Powerpuff’s friend anymore – I was so horrified I had to
have counselling for six weeks to recover).
Yes, The Flintstone Kids were rubbish. But you could laugh at them, at the
very least. This program will just make you shake your head in sorrow at
the levels Hanna-Barbera have gone down to.
3. Tom and Jerry Kids (1990-1993)
A program that helpfully informs us that Tom and Jerry were just as much
hooligans as kids than as adults, just in case you wished to know. How
considerate of Hanna-Barbera. Frankly, I wish they hadn’t bothered.
You may have noticed a slight theme in this article. Yup – all three shows
discussed have starred kids, or worse, child versions of previously adult
cartoon characters. I heavily advise Hanna-Barbera from creating any more
programs about kids. Why not go back to the quick-witted bipedal animals,
eh? Hopefully they won’t be so silly as to create more “here’s what they
were like as kids,” fare – what’s the point in showing all the beloved
characters growing up? Do we really care how Fred Flintstone behaved as a
child? Do we really want to see teeny-weeny Tom and Jerry killing each
other? Scooby-Doo even got the kiddified treatment, in “A Pup Named Scooby
Doo”, but he’s been spared my barbs due to the lack of any decent pictures
on the net to accompany the review.
In short: Hanna-Barbera – DON’T DO IT AGAIN!
However, there is one program that can be used as defence… and he’s a lad
known as –
I’m going to tell you next time. Ta-ra!
Well, that’s it for another episode. Hope you
enjoyed yourselves; I certainly have. Till next we meet – and if anyone
has any suggestions or requests, you can
email me.
Cheers!
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