FROM THE TIMES, MAY 24TH 2011.
Mourning Glory
GALLAGHER CRUSHED BY EYEBROW
ARTS CORRESPONDENT, TIM SISMEY
London police have confirmed that the body found in the rear gardens of
Supernova Heights, NW1, is that of well-known popular musician Noel
Gallagher.
Gallagher, 48, who was a member of Manchester guitar legends Oasis, had
been reported missing by his third wife, Germaine Greer. He was last seen
in public the previous week at Manchester City’s European Champions League
final against Lord President Borussia Dortmund.
Gallagher is believed to have died several days after the match in a
bizarre auto-erotic act, involving a copy of the Beatles’ “Abbey Road”
album, several ounces of cocaine, and his own eyebrow. His body was
discovered by ex-Oasis drummer Tony McCarroll, who was calling round to
clean the windows.
McCarroll, 50, told reporters: “It was f***ing horrible, like a f***ing
horror film. I about sh*t myself. He looked like a f***ing dead b****rd. I
hated the c***, so I p***ed on him.”
McCarroll then had to be restrained by police as he let fly a further
stream of the choicest profanity known to God and man.
Greer, 82, was clearly extremely distraught, despite having started legal
proceedings against her husband in the divorce courts, following the
breakdown of their two week marriage.
Noel’s brother Liam, the creative genius on the band’s recent “Boss One
Fookin’ Magic Top Eh What Kid” album, seemed dazed and confused when
confronted by reporters: “It’s a drag”, he said, but when a journalist
pointed out he was paraphrasing Paul McCartney’s response to the death of
John Lennon, he erupted into a furious tirade about “f***ing f*****s” and
“sad c***s”. He was later seen to be tired and emotional at London’s
Screwers Bar, where both he and his late brother were platinum card
members.
Music journalist Paolo Hewitt, 67, said this morning: “When John’s star
crossed with Roger’s arse, and the blinding crush of a summer eve with my
bollocks in my hand, and a lump in my throat, crossed the orange trees
with the egg that is the Albert Hall, and the semen that is the River
Thames, I am well f***ed off that he has died, ‘cos he owed me a fiver,
the tight c***.”
Fuhrer of the English Republic, Chancellor Blair said: “When I was a
child, I spake as a child. The music of Noel Gallagher, and Oasis, reminds
me of our better days, a giving age, when I was a humble Leader of the
Opposition, and that other fellow was the PM. Thank you, for not being one
of those unreconstructed w*nkers.”
Johnny Marr, the Oasis guitarist, said: “F*** him. He never gave me any
credit for the songs I wrote.”
When it was pointed out to him that this was exactly how he had treated
Craig Gannon in the Smiths, Marr became incensed, and lashed out at the
crowd of journalists. An onlooker, who did not wish to be named, described
him as “a crazy wild man.”
Another onlooker, who also wishes to remain anonymous, remarked: “It’s no
secret that I would be on the next bus to Johnny’s house. I am amused. Is
that a horrible thing to say?”
Noel Gallagher will be best remembered for his charming nursery rhyme
style lyrics, and his three chord pub rock choruses. He is survived by his
three wives, Meg, Patsy, and Germaine, and their ten children; Paul, John,
George, Ringo, Mick, Keith, Charlie, Bryan, Bill and Paulweller.
The funeral of Gallagher, who was worth approximately sixteen billion
pounds, is to take place at Burnage Leisure Centre next week. All
donations are to be made payable to either Bonehead’s Bank Holiday Leisure
Tours, proprietor Paul Arthurs or Guigsy’s Gigs Live Entertainment Inc,
proprietor Paul McGuigan.
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