Alternative Soundtracks – The Five Doctors

The Five Doctors was great fun to do as I’m sure you can imagine, and allowed us to hark back to the days when we recorded our spontaneous ‘multi-Doctor’ audio stories. Our version of Richard Hurndall’s Doctor was as bossy as Bill Hartnell’s, and much more grumpy to boot. His most often quoted line in our version was, ‘I know that!!’, a line that originates from The Daleks back in 1963, and it was always said with such force that it made my throat sore. In the scene in the 5th Doctor’s TARDIS where the 1st Doctor and Susan enter unannounced and Tegan and Turlough introduce themselves. Turlough says, ‘I’m Turlough’, as in the original, but instead of Tegan saying ‘And I’m Tegan’, she says, ‘And I’m wearing this horrible top!’ Even the BBC costume department did not escape our scathing sarcasm. In the same scene we had the first Doctor telling Susan that she was a stupid cow, and Richard Hurndall’s mouth movements were so synchronised with our own dialogue for that particular line that Andrew and I immediately had one of our laughing fits. The subsequent scenes with the 1st and 5th Doctors in the TARDIS revolved not around how they were going to get into the Dark Tower, but on who was going to have the next go on the Atari game that they were playing, with particular reference to the fiendish difficulty switch.

When the 2nd Doctor meets the Brigadier at UNIT HQ, their conversation revolves around who has the better coat, the Doctor being slightly jealous that the Brig’s has buttons whereas he has to make do with a bit of string. He then tells the Brig that he must go because his wife has the dinner on, but of course they then get snapped up by the time scoop. Once they’ve arrived in the Death Zone, all they seem to talk about is the fact that they’ve left their sandwiches at UNIT HQ and will have to fine the nearest sandwich stall in order to appease their hunger.

As the 3rd Doctor is driving along the strangely tarmaced road on Gallifrey accompanied by Sarah-Jane ‘Why the hell am I wearing this crappy pink coat?’ Smith, he proceeds to tell her about the time he came to the Death Zone when he was a boy scout, and what he got up to behind a hedge with the scoutmaster. The scoutmaster is eventually revealed to be the Raston Warrior Robot, who apparently is still as quick as he was in the old days. The two main Cybermen characters were portrayed as the Pat Coombes and Peggy Mount characters from the sitcom You Only Laugh Twice, where they played two dotty residents at an old people’s home. Of course, Peggy Mount also played the stalls lady in The Greatest Show In The Galaxy, and Andrew relished the opportunity when one of the expired Cyber scouts is lying at the Cyberleader’s feet to utter with gusto ‘You can’t lie down there, you know!’ Just before one of the Cybermen has some white liquid issuing from its mouth after being shot by the Raston Warrior Robot, Andrew suddenly said, ‘I feel sick!’ and proceeded to make a throwing-up noise as the liquid burst forth. Whilst not in itself a hilariously funny line, the fact that I wasn’t expecting it at all caused me to laugh so much that I was crying my eyes out and my stomach ached. In fact I was laughing so much and for so long that I couldn’t partake in the recording for the next five minutes or so and consequently Andrew had to do about 10 different voices on his own which just made me laugh even more. I’m sure you would have had to have been there at the time to fully appreciate the hilarity of the situation, and I suppose it just goes to prove how alcohol can blur your senses.

Obviously the 4th Doctor doesn’t feature much in this story, but in the brief scenes on the River Cam at the start of the story he just seems to be trying to impress Romana with his big pole. I bet you never saw that one coming…….

Our Five Doctors had the Master’s recall device as a yo-yo, the UNIT receptionist in the scene at the beginning of the story having the same tinny voice whilst he was in the room as can be heard on the intercom, and Chancellor Flavia as some strange being whose voice sounded like an elephant in labour. The climax of the story revolves around the Brig and 2nd Doctor’s sandwich dilemma, with the first three Doctors translating the Old High Gallifreyan inscription as instructions on how to cut the crusts off, and Rassilon appearing as an all-powerful Intergalactic Sandwich Salesman.

Next Episode: The Two Doctors!