Mile High Meals
There are certain things in life which nobody seems to like
doing. Going to the dentist, for example, is probably one of the most
hated ordeals we have to go through. Jury Service is another – most people
seem to do their up most to get out of doing it – although I was ‘called
up’ a week after my 18th birthday and I rather enjoyed it. However, having
just returned from a holiday abroad, I thought I’d pay homage to another
of life’s apparent irritations, namely aeroplane food.
If ever I’m discussing holidays with anyone, the subject of aeroplane food
always seems to come up at some point or another, and whoever I’m talking
to will more often than not refer to it as if it consisted of consuming an
entire packet of dry cream crackers washed down with a tankard of Cod
Liver Oil. So my question is – am I really the only person in the world
who likes aeroplane food? Probably not, I hear you cry, but hear this -
not only do I like it, I love it!
I always enjoy in-flight meals. Granted, I’m not over fussy about food.
I’m not over keen on Chinese food, or seafood, but the only thing I really
take exception are eggs, or eggs on their own, at least. And the companies
who choose and prepare aeroplane food obviously do their best to please as
many people as possible by providing a generally agreeable menu such as an
acceptable meat and two veg plus a vegetarian option. In my experience the
food is hot, it’s flavoursome, and there’s just enough to tide you over
until the next meal at your destination comes along. And even if you’re
still hungry, there’s usually someone sitting next to you who’s either
asleep or has turned their nose up at the sumptuous meal before them, so
you can always have theirs too! But no – even this is not enough to please
some people.
My own particular fondness for aeroplane food doesn’t just stem from the
food itself. Eating a meal on an aeroplane is an entire experience in
itself – a thing of wonder. I’ll assume for a moment that none of you
reading this are used to travelling in First or Business Class where
you’re presented which such decadent luxuries as plates and legroom. I’m
also going to have to assume that somebody IS actually reading this, too,
but that I’ll never know.
I’m referring specifically to the ergonomic wonder that is the little
plastic tray piled as high and as wide as it possibly can be with smaller
plastic containers, some of which have even smaller plastic containers
within them. I’ll admit that not everything’s perfect about this
arrangement. Lets start with the main meal, for instance. Now, this
carefully weighed and measured portion of loveliness contained within the
most senior of the plastic tubs is beyond reproach. Never have I gazed
upon it and sniffed at its olfactory beauty and not decided that this will
be the most mouth-watering and delicious meal I have ever had. But as I
peel back the transparent film lid I always burn my damned fingers and end
up flicking erstwhile concealed hot water droplets at my neighbour.
Oh, but the fun doesn’t stop there, I tell you!
Nowhere else can you enjoy a five course meal within the space of about
two square feet whilst practicing the ancient art of contortionist
cutlery-wielding. Never before have I tucked into a roast chicken breast
with my elbows above my head. And all this whilst simultaneously trying to
avoid deep-vein thrombosis by jigging my legs around as much as possible.
Once your main course has been consumed with the expert skill of not
stabbing your fellow passenger with a plastic knife, there’s more fun to
be had with the Rubik’s Plastic Food Container and Lid Game, where you try
and move all the pieces of the puzzle around the tray in front of you
whilst trying to assemble your fun-size slab of cheddar onto your equally
fun-size cream cracker. My own personal strategy in trying to beat this
fiendish set-up is to try and pile as many of the same-sized containers on
top of each other as possible, but this can become difficult when you have
to contend with two empty catering size milk/cream cartons, a cellophane
wrapper containing salt, pepper, sugar, mustard, paprika, scouring powder,
a freshening towel, a bath robe and a shower cap, as well as a tea/coffee
cup, a butter carton, a cream cracker wrapper, a napkin, a can of
Strongbow, a knife, a spoon and a fork. And all this whilst trying to
avoid strangulation by the wires on the cheap pair of in-flight headphones
which cost you £2, only find that someone’s lost the videotape with
‘Cracker’ on it and end up watching/listening to the ‘Chandelier’ episode
of Only Fools and Horses.
This set of circumstances cannot possibly occur by chance- surely it takes
genius to come up with this? There must be teams of designers working
tirelessly to come up with ever more complicated ways of arranging five
objects on a plastic tray. But as much as I may be sounding as if I there
may be some annoying aspects of eating on an aeroplane, that is just not
the case. To me, consuming an in-flight meal is as much fun as opening
Christmas presents.
So there you have it – I love aeroplane food. But what about you? Should
we be starting a new thread along the lines of ‘Am I Annoying? – In-flight
Meals’, or throwing that plastic tray and all its contents into Room 101?
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