From Volume II "The Relatively Early Years" by Sir Gerald Benson

I wanted to be fully prepared the morning of the interview so I left everything just right the night before. My suit was selected, pressed and hanging on the outside of my wardrobe. My favourite shoes were polished, my lucky tie (yes - my Old Grey Parkonians one for my sins) was ironed and hanging like a well educated noose from my suit’s coat hanger. I had poured out my cereal and covered it with that clingy film, the name of which eludes me. The kettle was filled to the exact level for one cup of best coffee. I had stuck notes to every available wall to remind me of all manner of details regarding the job, the interviewers, the Department et al. I was, in other words, prepared. I have a saying amongst myself - the Three Ps - Positive, Productive and Prepared. I was going to be all three and no mistake. I downed my breakfast, dressed to perfection and strode out filled to the brim with professionalism. Actually that is one of my three Ps. So which one is wrong? Professional, Productive and Proud. That’s it I think. Or Professional, Proud and Prepared. I have a saying - the Five Ps. Pride, Productivity, Professionalism, Positivity, Preparation and Performance. Whatever. Just remember that this is MY philosophy so no plagiarism or I will take legal action. No one takes the Ps out of my book and gets away with it.

As a special treat I had booked myself a taxi to take me to the DoCaHD so I wouldn't have to brave the wonders of Public Transport. By ‘wonders’ I imply irony. Come with me into the humorous gym and watch me pump irony. The cab arrived dead on time and I wished Mrs Benson a good day without the desired reciprocation. She turned the volume up on the television as I left, utterly uninterested in my progress. She obviously had faith in me. Or there was something good on at the time. The taxi driver pipped me as I walked down the drive. This made me hate him and made everyone in the area hate me. Why me? It wasn't my fault. I was going to castigate the drive when I got in but was so overwhelmed that I just managed to say “Department of City and Housing Development” before his verbal Niagara began.

“So weather looking good today isn't it? shocking forecast for later. Mind you it couldn't be much worse than it is now. Like football do you? I reckon Chelsea will win the title this season don't you? Of course they won't. Arsenal for the cup. Best team in London they are. Not as good as Spurs though. Spurs definitely going to win the title this season. No doubt about that. Mind you, Spurs will be lucky to stay up. What they really need is a defender. One good attacker and they’d be as good as Arsenal. Mind you Arsenal would love to have Spurs strike force up front. Chelsea are three or four players away from being the best team in the land. Can you believe how good Spurs are right now? Better than Brazil they are. Mind you they should get rid of that clown of a manager. They want to get Chelsea’s manager if they want to be as good as Arsenal. Crystal Palace are a good side aren't they? Better than Arsenal but not quite as good as Chelsea. Not that Chelsea are as good as Arsenal mind you. Arsenal for the cup I say. A Chelsea vs Spurs final with Palace coming out on top. You can take that to the bank. If Newcastle were based in London they would be a better team. Not that London is that great for football teams. Apart from Arsenal who are rubbish, Chelsea who will win everything this season, Spurs who will win the cup but get relegated and Palace who are a dead cert to win the league. Newcastle could do it all but they’ll have to settle for winning the European cup this season. Twelve new players and they would be unbeatable. Imagine if Chelsea and Luton swapped players aye? That’d be well worth a tenner of anyone’s money. Big fan of footy are you mate? Me, I can't stand it. Politics are my passion. I would vote for Chelsea if they were standing for Parliament. Not that they would win as they don't have a ball winner in midfield. They could try and get the lad from Spurs but he isn't as good as the foreign lad they’ve got at Arsenal. Arsenal need a ball winner too. So I suppose if Arsenal play Chelsea the ball remains permanently lost. That must be why neither side will ever win anything” and so on. Never before has one chap had to listen to so much unadulterated rubbish. This was forty five minutes of self contradicting drivel. It made Michael Harris sound like Gerald Benson. And to think I had to pay this chap a sizeable sum for the privilege of being the one man audience for his monologue. I don't even like football. If that was what he was even talking about.

“Don't get me started on the England team” he said without me doing anything to get him started “best team in the world if they’d got a good manager. Course it’s the players fault. Don't listen to him. They want to get a foreign manager in like they did at Arsenal. If they got the guy from Chelsea they'd be laughing. Not that the fans would as the team would be awful. They lack passion and skill and talent. Once they fix that they’d be the best team in the world. Not that there’s anything fundamentally wrong with them that wouldn't be fixed by playing Boggis up front. Just as long as they don't pander to the press by bringing that fool Boggis into the team. Can't stand him. They want that young lad from Spurs - he’d do the business. Pity he’s Dutch. Not that that should be a bar to him getting in the England team I say. Good job he’s not Italian though. I reckon they should make Boggis the manager - he’d do a better job than the clown they’re going to get from Spurs. What about Crystal Palace’s goalkeeper aye? Top of the class even though he’s no good. Couldn't catch a cold but a great shot stopper. Excellent on crosses but couldn't save a penalty to save his life. I say he should be the England number two behind the guy from Palace”. He made my brain spin and my ears ache. I was more relieved than the man who realised he hadn't just left the wrong message on his bosses answer phone when we pulled up outside the DoCaHD and I could get out. I handed the man a bunch of notes and told him to keep the change (which I had worked out would have been 20 pence). Just to be mischievous I added “I think they should play 4-4-2” before closing the door. This set him off again and he jabbered away to himself as he rejoined the slow moving traffic community from which he had momentarily deviated to release me into my natural habitat. 4-4-2 was my only bit of football knowledge and apparently involved them playing four men in one position, four men somewhere else and another two somewhere else still. Doesn't say what happened to the eleventh man though. I hope he is all right.