From "Gerald Benson - 'The Relatively Early Years'"

I dusted some pictures, washed some pots and watered some flowers. Either that or I dusted some pots, watered some pictures and washed some flowers. Whatever. The point being that I filled my time with positive, productive and proactive tasks. Not for Gerald the endless wasting of time. The door bell went. I instinctively picked up the telephone and felt a little foolish when I realized my error. I opened the front door with my customary flair and was faced with a man in a motorbike helmet and leathers. An assassin I felt sure. I tried to slam the door but he put his foot in to block my closure. He mumbled something which may well have been “die Benson die” but when he pushed his visor up was actually “pizza”. I knew for definite that I hadn't ordered a pizza.

“I haven't ordered a pizza” I said.

“Call came in. One pepperoni pizza.”

“But I didn't order it.”

“Well it’s here now.”

“I don't want it.”

“You did on the phone”

“I wasn't on the phone.”

“Someone was.”

“Not me.”

“The pizza’s £6.50”

“Tell that to the man on the phone.”

“But that was you.”

“It wasn't.”

“He gave this address. Do you live with any other men?”

“Certainly not”

“So you admit it was you.”

“No. It is obviously a hoax.”

“No, it is definitely a pizza”.

“A hoax pizza.”

“No - a pepperoni pizza. Pep-per-ron-ni” he said slowly as if I was the stupid one.

“Why should I pay for something I don't want?” I asked.

“Because it was ordered for here and it is company policy.”

“What company policy?”

“Customers pay for pizza.”

“That’s your company’s entire policy?”

“1) Customers pay for pizza. 2) Do you want garlic bread with that? 3) If it takes more than 30 minutes it is free”.

“That is the policy?”

“In its entirety.”

“When did you get this fake call?”

“It wasn't a fake call.”

“How do you know?

“Because we got a call ergo it was a genuine call.”

“But I didn't make it.”

“But the call existed whether it was you or not. So we should call it a hoax call rather than a fake call.”

“That is a needless quibble.” I told him.

“Or a semantic argument.”

“But when did this suspect call come in?” I said trying to establish my alibi.

“About half an hour ago.”

“So at what point does the pizza become free?” I asked.

“So you want it now?”

“No but I also don't want to pay for it.”

“So you would accept it as a gift?”

“Maybe”

“Thereby establishing you want this pizza. So why don't you pay me for it?”

“Because I don't want it.”

“So hypothetically if I were to give this to you for nothing, you would reject it?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want this free pizza?”

“Why not?” I said falling for his trap.

“Ah ha. How about if I gave you this pizza for half price?”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

“So it has ceased to be a matter of principle for you and has become a mere financial issue.”

“No” I said in vain.

“In that case your principles revolve around small amounts of money. Would you but this pizza for £2?”

“No. I don't want your pizza. I happen to be a superb cook myself.”

“Are you insulting the quality of our pizzas?”

“Well, you were trying to off load it for £2 so there must be something wrong with it.”

“You raise an interesting point.”

“And since we have established that I didn't order it, I don't want it, you are implying that it isn't very good anyway and it is cold by now, why don't you take it away and leave me alone.”

I could smell victory - no one battles wills with Gerald.

“But I don't want it either” he said after a moment’s thought. “If we come back with undelivered goods we get fired.

“Why not dump it in my dustbin?” I said helpfully.

“So you do want it” he pounced.

“No, I'm trying to be helpful.”

“The best I could do would be for you to have this pizza for nothing as long as you purchase a regular garlic bread.”

“But I don't like garlic bread.”

“Do you like pizza?”

“It’s all right.”

“So imagine you are paying for the pizza and getting the garlic bread free.”

“That sounds reasonable” I said.

“So if you don’t mind imagining you are paying for the pizza, why not just pay for the pizza and do without the garlic bread that you don't want anyway?” I had to admire mental agility like that and gave in and gave him a compromise £4 for the pizza. We left on good terms and I even gave a little wave as he rode away on his moped. He was wasted delivering pizza and years later I tracked him down and gave him a job as one of my spin doctors.