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Doctor Flapjack’s Medical Corner
Hello sick people. I’ve had an extremely busy week in what I call my "practice" though there is no element of practicing medical techniques on people. Oh no. I was cleared of all charges of unlicensed and non-consensual experimentation by an independent panel of local doctors. I merely call it my practice because whenever I say "surgery" it tends to lead to chatter about the handful of operations I conducted while some of the formal paperwork was yet to go through the bureaucratic machine down in London. God gave us two of most important body parts for a reason and I think a few local trouble makers and busybodies should remember that the next time they think about organising a protest march or write nasty letters to the Bendaton Bugle, the Bendaton Probe or my mother. Today’s letter is unsigned but from the handwriting I believe it is from Mrs Smeltham-Cumming of Odourbox Cottage. Dear Dr Flapjack, I am wondering about the heath implications of the contraceptive pill. My husband and I have tried other methods but without much success. We’ve been through the alphabet once already finding names for our little ones and it’s either start numbering them or find something which will stop me getting pregnant. Yours hopefully Unsigned (but almost certainly Janice Smeltham-Cumming)
Dear Unsigned (but my money is still on Mrs Smeltham-Cumming) I am well aware of your sexual potency. Indeed, one of your husband’s partially melted sheaths has a prominent place in my museum of medical curiosities. People often ask me what it is and, since they’ve paid the entry fee, they are entitled to a full and amusing explanation. The anecdote about the time you and Mr Smeltham-Cumming became physically bonded after confusing a tub of lubricant with a nearby container of Polyfiller is a firm favourite. Naturally, as your doctor, I wouldn’t dream of telling such intimate tales unless they had happy endings and I have the photographs of your raw but separated bodies to prove that all was well that ended well. But to return to your main point I see nothing to worry about in taking the contraceptive pill. It may make you a little tetchy at times but it is basically as safe as houses. I have taken it myself with no ill effects what so ever. You may wish to talk to Mrs Bottiwynd who has been taking the tablets for the past few years. She will be able to give you a woman’s perspective on side effects, the effectiveness of the drug and the various ways she has invented to prevent her husband from knowing that she is breaking sacred religious doctrine by taking a contraceptive. I’m sure Mr Smeltham-Cumming will be more open minded than Mr Bottiwynd but it is never too early to take precautions. You can no more put the cat back in the bag than you could put little Zelda back inside your womb. Lord knows we tried but she wasn’t having any of it. Yours medically, Doctor St John Flapjack
I will bring you more sage advice next week. Until then it could do you no harm to recall the words of Saint Joseph the Avenger - "revenge is a dish best served to someone who is foolish enough to trust your cooking".
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