Today’s letter comes from Mr Clive Pantie of Slappam Street.

Dear Doctor Flapjack,

I am greatly worried about my foot. I consulted you last summer and you said it was a verucca but since that meeting it has become green and smells not unlike a septic tank. It hurts when I walk on it which is unfortunate in my chosen career as a traffic warden. I get very little sympathy from people – only last week I was told “That is judgement that is – God has punished you for being a wankstain on the trousers of motorists everywhere”. I had no idea my mother knew such words. I was wondering if you had any advice for treating my condition.

Yours painfully

Clive Pantie (Mr)

Dear Clive

As you are not a medical man – condemned out of your own mouth on that score I’m afraid – you are in no position to doubt my original diagnosis. You may very well have a verucca under the layers of pustules and rotting skin. You cannot be sure otherwise. As for your alleged foot problems, several possibilities spring to mind. You may be suffering from what we doctors call “Manky Foot Syndrome” which is a condition typified by swelling, discolouration, uncommon aromas and general yukiness. Though more common around the genitalia (don’t let the name fool you – it is only called Manky Foot Syndrome because it was discovered by a man called Foot and named in tribute to his ex-wife) it has been known to affect the hands, legs and indeed the feet of ordinary men and women. Please feel free to bring your foot to my surgery – I’m always keen to see unusual specimens. If you are worried that your grotesque limb might in some way startle me I can assure you that I have seen Mrs Bambam’s infected nipple and nothing could shock me after that. I don’t know if you have seen the motion picture “Alien” but if you freeze frame during the scene where the alien is in the process of bursting out of the man’s chest you will get some idea of Mrs Bambam’s infected nipple.

Other than that I can only agree with your mother (she’s not a doctor by any chance is she?) and say that you are being punished by the Almighty for being effluent in trousers.

Yours medically

Dr St John Flapjack

I shall return to dispense more insightful wisdom next week but until then you must consider these words imparted to me on the deathbed of one of my wealthiest patients.

“St John – my leaving you all my money will look very suspicious since I’m only thirty nine and am dying of an overdose of prescription medicine but I really dislike you.”