QV: "Peter, it’s coming up to Christmas time, as I’m sure you are aware, and..."

PP: "Bloody hell, is this going to be all about bloody Christmas? For the love of Christ, can we talk about something else?"

QV: "Well, the questions I have here are all..."

PP: "Look mate, stuff the questions you have there. I’m not talking about the festive season, mince pies, Rudolph, Jesus, or the Queen’s peach."

QV: "Pardon?"

PP: "Speech, I said. Speech! As if I would refer to the derriere of the sovereign as being a peach, even though, let’s be fair, back in her younger days, she was quite a dolly, and it was very pert. She had a good rack on her, too."

QV: "Er, yes... now, Peter, about Christmas..."

PP: "No, I tell you. I’ll talk about anything else apart from this bloody terrible time of year. Peace and goodwill to all men? My arse."

QV: "Alright, Peter, that’s not a problem because we do have one question that doesn’t concern the time of year, and that’s from Ralph of Scotland, who asks if you can explain the rumours about your frequent use of prostitutes for sexual gratification."

PP: "Pom pom, it’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you... God, I love this time of year, don’t you? The kids all running around in the snow, rosey-cheeked, breathless with excitement, wondering what Santa has brought for them. mothers baking cakes and roasting turkeys, fathers roasting their nuts on the fire... a thrill in the air. I wish it could be Christmas every day, as my old chum Roy Wood once said. And anyway, it was only once, it was a mistake, and I didn’t realise she was a prostitute until that bloody copper arrived."

QV: "Does this mean that you are prepared to answer some Yuletide questions, then?"

PP: "Grudgingly."

QV: "That’s splendid! Now then, I know a few weeks ago you told us that you and your dear friend John Noakes were joining Valerie Singleton for Christmas this year."

PP: "It’s true... a big ‘Blue Peter’ party at Singleton’s palatial Wiltshire mansion. You’d be bloody amazed how big it is."

QV: "Ah, that’s interesting, because our question from Kathy of London is, ‘What presents will you be getting for your old ‘BP’ pals this year?"

PP: "Well, as the years go by, it gets more and more difficult to think of inventive and unique presents. Also, it seems book tokens just aren’t as popular as they used to be. Fortunately, I’ve got a bloody corker for Noaksie this year. I found it in a novelty shop, and it’s called an Alcoholic’s Nappy. It’s a massive great nappy with a little holder on each side for a can or bottle. I’m sure he’ll see the funny side, plus it’ll kick him up the arse and get him to go to AA... it’s beyond a joke the way he pisses himself in public."

QV: "And you think the way to get him to admit to having a serious illness is to buy him a giant nappy?"

PP: "It’s a winner, and no mistake."

QV: "Right... so, what about your hostess, Valerie Singleton? I assume she’ll be getting one off you as well."

PP: "You must be bloody joking, that prudish, strait-laced old les... Oh, you mean a present, don’t you?"

QV: "Yes."

PP: "Thank God for that, I had a bloody hideous image in my head for a minute there. Dear oh dear. I mean, I know Noaksie had a dabble when she was feeling a bit vulnerable, but generally... Dearie me."

QV: "What present are you getting Valerie Singleton for Christmas, Peter?"

PP: "An advent calendar."

QV: "What?!?"

PP: "It’s a really nice one, with chocolates and everything. Bloody expensive - from Tesco’s, it was."

QV: "But surely by the time she opens it, on Christmas Day, it’ll be useless as Advent will be over for another year."

PP: "Well, there’s the beauty of it! She can save it for next year! All the fuss and palaver of Christmas means you often forget the little things like advent calendars, so she won’t have to worry about it."

QV: "Won’t the chocolates have gone a bit mouldy by next year?"

PP: "Well, she can stick it in the freezer, can’t she? Bloody hell, why are you making something so easy so bloody difficult?"

QV: "Right, right. Okay Peter, our next question comes from Gisela from the South Coast, who is intrigued to know what your favourite Christmas Carol is."

PP: "Ah, now one of the best parts of this benighted time of year is the singing. Get a group of people together, have a few lagers, and then start belting out ‘Once In Royal David’s City’, or ‘Silent Night’... The hopes and fears of all the years are pom-titty-pom tonight... Bloody marvellous."

QV: "I suppose you’re a big fan of carol singers, then. Groups of cherubic young children, going from house to house to earn a few pennies with their angelic singing..."

PP: "Bloody hooligans, more like. Come to your house, mumble two words of "Go Tell It On The Mountain" and then demand a fiver or they’ll put your sodding car windows through. Then, when you’ve handed over the money, they knee you in the groin and call you ‘whoremonger’. Where’s the bloody sprit of Christmas in that?"

QV: "Young carol singers did that?!?"

PP: "Well, actually, it was some drunken BBC executives I’d thrown out of my Christmas party last year. But it’s the same thing, really."

QV: "Right, I see. Well, tonight’s final question is from Jonathan of London, who demands to know whether you’ll be appearing on television during the festive period."

PP: "Demands, eh? Well old fellow, fear not - Purves will indeed be on your goggle box this Christmas. Firstly, if you like a bit of motor cross bike fun, Challenge TV are having a day dedicated to "Junior Kick Start" on December 22nd, starting at ten o’clock in the morning. I’ll be doing the linking bits between episodes, plus catching up with some of the winners from this great telly series of days gone by. Then, Channel Five on Christmas Eve, I shall be narrating a documentary about the life and times of Big Brother’s Nadia, and what’s happened to her since she won that programme back in the summer. Finally, the biggie - on New Year’s Eve, I’ll be live from BBC Television in Birmingham, presenting an evening of fun and frolics for viewers in the West Midlands, and we’ll be seeing the new year in with style, I can tell you that! Look out for special guests including Paul Shane, Neil Diamond, and Lesley Joseph. It’s going to be a party to remember, so don’t miss it!"

QV: "And if you live outside the Midlands?"

PP: "Tune to satellite channel 950, which is the BBC Midlands channel, and you can watch it no matter where you are in the country. It’s more fun than you can possibly bloody imagine."

QV: "It certainly sounds it, Peter. Thank you very much."

PP: "Cheers, mucker."