None of these have been amended in any way other than to hide confidential information. They are screen grabs from Acrobat which have been resized and saved as JPGs. Every one of these letters was sent out to a customer.

We'll start with a sentence which suggests that the writer thinks our files are comparable to the famous wardrobe and that they allow passage to other worlds.

Next I present an example of the afflicted. It would be cruel to mock him.

More random capitalisation - this time an entire word.

I wonder what Fowler says about using the same word three times in one sentence? Probably nothing as he's been dead for over seventy years.

Repeating a word in a clumsy sentence is one thing but this next example takes it to a whole new level. It's as if the line was written to include backing singers.

Here we have another example of a sentence which says one thing and means another. Does the author really want to see the customer in person?

Occasionally they sound very professional. Take this next letter - the first paragraph is packed with technical detail and the overall tone is that one of knowledge and wisdom. It's just a shame that the third paragraph sounds like a euphemism for a much-needed ejaculation.

Our penultimate example is a combination of repeated words and random capitalisation.

And finally, a letter which tells someone something they surely already know and then patronises the hell out of them for no reason. Imagine you are the person getting this letter. You wouldn't like it would you?

And that, my friends, is that.

For now.

I have faith that standards will never rise and that one day I will return...