I promised you a new feature and I'm jolly well going to deliver. Part of our role over the past year has been to monitor the quality (or otherwise) of correspondence produced using a brand new, high tech, multi-thousand pound technological solution facilitator (or "program" to you or I). Most of the letters are good because we wrote them ourselves and simply let the users pick what they needed. But sometimes, just sometimes, they tried to make up their own missives. This is the first of several collections of those same epistles.

None of these have been amended in any way other than to hide confidential information. They are screen grabs from Acrobat which have been resized and saved as JPGs. Every one of these letters was sent out to a customer.

We start with the what appears to be a request for a person to be sent to us in the mail.

Next we have a typical example of a piece of confusing jargon which means little to me, probably means little to you and which almost certainly means nothing to our customers. There is an explanation trying to get out but I don't fancy its chances.

Sometimes even a simple thing can become indecipherable. The next example shows the potentially lethal combination of careless typing and a total lack of punctuation.

I don't think there is much of an excuse for this next one.

You'll notice several things about this one. Firstly, that it was written to a person of indeterminate gender, and secondly, it doesn't make any sense. It's as if the writer was unexpectedly having two thoughts at the same time and got them mixed up. I can't imagine a situation where my GP would become involved in my moving house.

You would think that the most important thing about a letter clarifying the policyholder's name would be to make the policyholder's name clear.

There is nothing like a letter which supplies a lot of information. This is nothing like a letter which supplies a lot of information.

This isn't especially amusing but it would confuse anyone foolish enough to assume it means there is a letter at the end of each policy number.

At this point I must confess that all of the above were the product of the same person. But she doesn't always write absolute tosh. Oh no - this next letter contains absolutely no gibberish what so ever.