The A to Z of football inanity.

A

Arson

'I tell you what, if the Cameroons get a goal back here they're literally gonna catch on fire.' (Atkinson)

Astral projection

'That's twice now he [Terry Phelan] has got between himself and the goal.' (Brian Marwood)

Beckham, David

'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7'

'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.'

'That was in the past - we’re in the future now'

Brown, Derren

'Think of a number between 10 and 11' (Atkinson)

Biblical retellings

'The beauty of cup football is that Jack always has a chance of beating Goliath' (Terry Butcher)

Buggery

Cunning players

'Scholes and Van Nistelrooy drugged the last two defenders' (Atkinson)

Cold afternoons

'There's lots of balls dropping off people.' (Atkinson)

Cantona, Paying homage to

'Fiorentina start the second half attacking their fans; just the way they like things.' (Ray Wilkins)

Coleman, David

'And for those of you watching without television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2'

'And now for international soccer special : Manchester United versus Southampton.'

'On this 101st FA Cup Final day, there are just two teams left'

Countdown, Never apply for

'Tempo, now there's a big word' (Barry Venison)

Clothes

Denial of the obvious

'As far as I'm concerned, Danny Tiatto doesn't exist' (Keegan)

Dictionary Corner

'He's not only a good player, but he's spiteful in the nicest sense of the word.' (Atkinson)

Decapitation

'They've picked their heads up off the ground, and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders.' (Atkinson)

Dictators

'He's passing the ball like Idi Amin.' (Alan Parry)

Deafness, Colour

'The referee is wearing the same yellow-coloured top as the Slovakian goalkeeper. I'd have thought the UEFA official would have spotted that - but perhaps he's been deafened by the noise of this crowd' (Motson)
 

D'oh

Einstein's theories

'He must be lightning slow' (Atkinson)

English

'Nicky Butt, he's another aptly named player. He joins things, brings one sentence to an end and starts another.' (Barry Davies)

Excitement, Misplaced

Fruit, comparisons with

'You get bunches of players like you do bananas, though that is a bad comparison.' (Keegan)

Fences

'Kevin Keegan has now tasted the other side of the fence.' (Dave Merrington)

Foreign, Speaking

'Numero Eins, as they say in Germany' (Peter Jones)

Forty quid should do it

Gibberish

'I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon.' (Keegan)

'These managers all know their onions and cut their cloth accordingly.' (Mark Lawrenson)

'We sometimes think of Arsene Wenger as a general media population' (Rodney Marsh)

'Gary Neville was palpable for the second goal' (Mark Lawrenson)

'The Swedish back four is amongst the tallest in the world cup. Their average age is 7 foot 4.' (Chris Waddle)

'He was in the right place at the right time, but he might have been elsewhere on a different afternoon.' (Tony Gubba)

Geography

'Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America.' (Keegan)

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona' (Mark Draper)

'Do I support a London football team? I do. I support Manchester United.' (Caprice)

Gravity

'You're not sure if the ball is going to bounce up or down' (Frank Stapleton)

H

History

'England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world.' (Kevin Keegan)

'History is all about todays and not yesterdays.' (Brian Moore)

Holistic approach

'If there's a weakness in Chelsea's defence, it's in their defence.' (5 Live)

Hyperbole, Quickly withdrawn

'It's one of the greatest goals ever, but I'm surprised that people are talking about it being the goal of the season.' (Andy Gray)

Human being, Roy Evans is a

'Roy Evans bleeds red blood' (Alan Mullery)

I

Indians, Red

'Stoichkov's playing on the wing, in this situation he likes to come in and scalp the centre-half.' (Atkinson)

Injuries, Diagnosis of

'Stockdale is holding his head - I think he’s hurt his leg' (Tom Tyrell)

Jesus, Comparing players to

'[Phil Neville] was treading on dangerous water there...' (Atkinson)

Jake the Peg

Kitchen trauma

Language skills

'He can't speak Turkey, but you can tell he's delighted.' (Kevin Keegan)

Legislation, Controversial new

'Jari Litmanen should be made compulsory' (Atkinson)

League tables

'In the bottom nine positions of the league there are nine teams' (Ray Stubbs)

Liar!

Mathematics

'Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose.' (Keegan)

Medicine

'In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.' (Keegan)

Mafia, Football clubs sounding like they belong to the

Natural Law Party

Obvious, Stating the bleedin'

Pesky goals

'Arsenal could have got away with a nil-nil if it wasn’t for the two goals' (Des Lynam)

Predicting the Future

'That would have been a goal if it wasn't saved.' (Keegan)

Perfection, The downside of

'Woodcock would have scored, but his shot was too perfect.' (Atkinson)

Preparation, Lack of

'I'm afraid they've left their legs at home.' (Atkinson)

Poetic license

'The Dutch look like a huge jar of marmalade.' (Barry Davies)

'Ian Baird is dashing around like a steam roller up front.' (Martin Tyler)

'Sporting Lisbon in their green and white hoops, looking like a team of zebras...' (Peter Jones)

'The ball must be as slippery as a wet baby.' (Tony Gubba)

'A smoked salmon sandwich of a football match if ever there has been one.' (Peter Drury)

'He has the brain of a refridgerator.' (Brian Moore)

'The rest of the team are very large...they dwarf above you.' (Fred Dinage)

Punishments, Harsh but fair

'John Arne Riise was deservedly blown up for that foul' (Alan Green)

Q

Quite disturbing images

'Once Tony Daley opens his legs, you've got a problem.' (Howard Wilkinson)

'Most of the players will be wearing rubbers tonight.' (Gary Lineker)

'Martin Keown is up everybody's backsides.' (Trevor Brooking)

'For such a small man Maradona gets great elevation on his balls' (David Pleat)

'Jean Tigana has spent the entire first half inside Liam Brady's shorts.' (Jimmy Magee)

Requests, reasonable

'I want more from David Beckham. I want him to improve on perfection.' (Keegan)

Reincarnation

'I've had an interest in racing all my life, or longer really.' (Keegan)

Retirement

Songs, Wisdom in

'In the words of the old song, it's a long time from May to December but, you know, it's an equally long time from December to May.' (Jimmy Hill)

Size doesn't matter

'Michael Owen isn't the tallest of lads, but his height more than makes up for that.' (Mark Lawrenson)

Spineless

'My motivation and my back no longer exist.' (Martin Dahlin)

Scottish football

'More football later, but first let's see the goals from the Scottish Cup final.' (Des Lynam)

Sponsorship, Unfortunate

Toasters

'It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.' (Kevin Keegan)

The Two M's

'Well, Clive, it's all about the two Ms - movement and positioning.' (Atkinson)

Time Travel

'When Scholes gets it [tackling] wrong, they come in so late that they arrive yesterday' (Atkinson)

Terrorism

'The club has literally exploded.' (Ian Wright)

U

Up, Not giving

Vehicles

'...the Derby fans walking home absolutely silent in their cars' (Alan Brazil)

'There's Thierry Henry, exploding like the French train that he is.' (David Pleat)

Words

'If Glenn Hoddle said one word to his team at half time, it was concentration and focus.' (Atkinson)

Weather

Xmas food

Yes you can

'You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw...' (Kevin Keegan)

Yes it is

Zoology